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Today’s broken behaviour is allowing discussions to be sidetracked or hijacked. Sometimes this is poor communication skills or rudeness. And sometimes it’s a tactic to prevent you from saying what you need to say or getting resolution to a problem. Dealing with the situation is the same, regardless of why it happens.
Let me start by saying you have the right to be heard and to have your concern addressed. If that does not happen, there is a problem. If you allow your spouse to avoid hearing you or addressing your concern, that is your broken behaviour.
The most common version of this is diverting from what you say. You mention the trash is overflowing, and he asks, “Did you finish the laundry?” You pointed out something he has agreed to do has not been done, and he counters by asking if you have done something you have agreed to do.
Another version of this is “You do it too!” You say to your wife that she has been rude all day, and she replies by reliving how you were rude to her several days ago. And also last Saturday!
Then there is the ‘best defence is a good offence’ version. Your concern is met with something totally unrelated. This is common in full-on arguments, with one or both spouses adding unrelated things to the fire.
All of these have the same goal: derail the conversation so they don’t have to deal with their actions or failures. They can’t defend what they did, so they try to change the subject. If you allow that, the relationship loses because the issue never gets resolved.
When this happens, turn the conversation back to what you said. Try something like, “We can discuss that if you want, but can we first talk about what I said?” You can’t force them to talk about it, but you can point out they have tried to sidetrack what you said. Stand firm in the understanding that you deserve to have your concern addressed, and fight the temptation to talk about what they throw at you.
Reclaiming your own behaviour also means looking in the mirror. This strategy is far more likely to work if you are good about not sidetracking them when they bring something up. Your spouse has the right to be heard just as you do. Lead by example.
~ This is Paul, and each of you having your say is Doing Marriage Well.
Happy Birthday to the best wife in the world!
Lori is a gift to me every day.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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