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Today’s broken behaviour is allowing your spouse to mischaracterise, exaggerate, or refuse to let go of your wrongs.
We all do things that annoy, inconvenience, or hurt our spouse. Some are born of cluelessness or mistakes. Others are a result of selfishness or a hard day. And sometimes, in our worst moments, we may intentionally hurt our spouse because of our own pain. The last is more serious and needs to be addressed more seriously.
These things happen when you live with someone. That doesn’t make it okay, but the reality is they happen. We should confess, repent if needed, and apologise for all of these things. And usually, that should be that. If you do the same thing over and over, that’s an issue that needs extra attention. But occasional things, or things you’re getting better at, should be forgiven and let go. For serious issues, that will take longer, but it should happen.
But what if your spouse won’t forgive and let go? Or say they do, but then bring those things back to life?
Perhaps they exaggerate what you did. It goes from you stepping on their toe to them claiming you stomped on their foot. They make it bigger, worse, or more frequent than it actually happens. Assigning intention where there was none is another way of doing this: claiming that stepping on their toe was not an accident but that you meant to do it.
Then there is refusing to let go of something well in the past. It might have happened once or many times, but you haven’t done it in months or years. Yet they still bring it up.
Doing these things is a tactic. It’s playing the victim or looking for sympathy. It might be to distract from what they are doing they shouldn’t or not doing what they should. Or they might want to make you feel bad so they can manipulate you and get you to do something you don’t want to do.
Allowing your spouse to get away with any of these things is a broken behaviour on your part. When it happens, push back. Say, “I apologised” or “We dealt with that.” Say these calmly, flatly, and without anger. Beyond that, don’t give in to manipulation. Do what’s right because it’s right, and don’t feel you must make up for something in the past if you already dealt with it. See what they are doing for what it is, and refuse to play their game.
~ This is Paul, and putting up with manipulation is not Doing Marriage Well.
I’ve noticed a lot more sheep being raised around here the last few years.
They turn grass into meat. What a deal!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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