Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ee2JRv
Broken behaviours and sex – plenty to choose from!
Not asking for what you need is a big one.
One version of this is saying nothing about not having an orgasm. I realise some women sometimes enjoy sex without an orgasm, and that’s fine. But I suspect women sometimes tell themselves it’s okay because they know it’s not going to happen regardless of what they want. And then of course there are the times it doesn’t happen because he’s clueless, needs better feedback, or is selfish. And that’s not okay. If you want to orgasm, you should have one. And saying nothing when you want to and don’t is a broken behaviour.
By the way, this is not just a female issue. Some studies have found that up to a third of men have faked an orgasm. It could be he is struggling and is embarrassed. Or he may be afraid he is taking too long. This is particularly likely if the sex is “just for him”. He fears that if he’s not quick, she will get upset. And that might keep her from saying yes in the future.
Another way this plays out is not asking for what you need for sex to work for you. Most women need plenty of foreplay for sex to be good. Even if they manage to climax with short foreplay, it feels rushed and is not as good as it could have been with proper warm-up. Fear of “taking too long” is a big factor here. But it takes as long as it takes, and you deserve sex to be good for you.
Again, this is not just a female issue. As a man gets older, he needs more foreplay. He may be embarrassed about this and not ask. This results in poor erections, having to wear himself out to reach climax, weak orgasms, and other problems. His broken behaviour keeps him from asking for what he needs to make sex good for him.
Beyond what we need, there is what we want. I want to go beyond what my wife needs; I want to give her what she wants. That can be tricky if what one of you wants is distasteful or distracting to the other. But if you don’t express the desire, you can’t discuss it.
I know sex is more difficult to discuss than most things. Our past injuries, our fear of rejection, and possibly lack of language for sexual things are all obstacles. But it won’t get better if you ignore it, and it’s hurting your marriage. So take a breath, open the dialogue, and make that effort together.
~ This is Paul, and asking for what you want and need is Doing Sex Well!
Throw the stick, Dad!
And I did! 😎
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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