Podcast: https://bit.ly/4uzLn7K
How do you see your spouse? I’m not talking about the outside, the wrapping paper. I’m talking about how you perceive who they are and how they are.
What makes this tricky is we perceive our spouse in two ways. There is how we see them in our minds and how we see them in our hearts. When I asked you how you saw them, what you thought was probably mostly about how you see them in your mind. That version is based on fact and logic. It’s about what they do and say.
How you see them in your heart is based on feelings and can be significantly influenced by bad things from your past. Your heart’s version of your spouse is often shaped less by reality and far more by how your opposite-sex parent behaved or how early romantic interests treated you.
These two competing views can create a real Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde dynamic in how we respond to our spouse. Jekyll knows your spouse forgot to buy milk because they had a long day. Hyde tells you they forgot because they don’t value your time.
When we are feeling good, we run off the Dr Jekyll version of how we see our spouse. We see them as they are, both good and bad. We see them as good-willed, and we see the ways they give and sacrifice for us.
When we’re frustrated, stressed, or upset, Mr Hyde comes out and gives us the ugly version of our spouse. We become overly focused on flaws and failures and lack grace and compassion. Things we had forgiven as Jekyll are not forgiven when Hyde is in control. Hyde tells you lies, making accusations about your spouse you would reject when feeling right.
Can you see the two views you have of your spouse? Can you think of times when Hyde was driving you?
The solution to this is to get your heart to see what your mind sees. This will probably require dealing with the things in your past that drive the Hyde version.
~ This is Paul, and Hyde will never help Do Marriage Well.
The new strawberry beds are doing well.
I see a ripe one. And a weed! 😡
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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