Podcast: https://bit.ly/3ScPFEH
The way our heart, aka Mr Hyde, sees our spouse is prone to “gender profiling”. If we have a negative opinion about the opposite sex, we paste that on our spouse because they are part of that group. Like most prejudices, we tend to be blind to it. In our minds it’s reality. And this view is likely supported by our same-sex friends.
If your dad treated your mom badly, you expect your husband to do the same to you. With your mind, you see he’s not that way, but your heart suspects he’s just pretending. If your dad treated your mom better in public than in private, you know men fake it and may expect the same from your husband.
If your college girlfriend was given to irrationality and bursts of emotion, you may think this is how women are. She was sweet at first, but as you got closer, she turned. And internally you expect your wife to do the same.
And again, the stories your friends tell will tend to reinforce you seeing the bad. We recall bad things better and more strongly than good things. So what we share about our lives tends toward the bad. You will hear more from your friends about how their spouse was rude, mean, or selfish than you will hear about them being loving, generous, and a blessing.
These ways of seeing your spouse are, in part, protective. If you’re on the lookout for the ugly stuff you have suffered in the past, you may see it in time to avoid or limit it. In a similar way, the bad things your friends have suffered in any of their romantic relationships serve as a cautionary tale. But there’s a problem. If you look hard for something, you will find it. If there is any hint, you will enlarge it. And if it’s not there, you may see it anyway. With your past and the voices of your friends in your head, your sight is skewed.
You fight all of this by engaging the rational part of your mind. Challenge what you feel. Is there good evidence for the conclusion fear and feelings have fed you? Is there another explanation for what your spouse said or did?
If your spouse has no history of being abusive and is only occasionally selfish, you should give them a large dose of the benefit of the doubt. Tell Mr Hyde to go away; he’s not your friend! Expect imperfect but real love from your spouse, and you will find it easier to see just that in their words and actions.
A challenge: Next time a friend complains about their spouse, ask for one good thing their partner did this week.
~ This is Paul, and while Dr Jekyll will help you to Do Marriage Well, Mr Hyde never will.
It’s baby bunny time!
Will pose for food.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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