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Effective generosity is more than just giving.

If you’re allergic to peanuts, giving you unlimited peanut butter and jam sandwiches is not a blessing. If you greatly prefer orange marmalade to grape jam, then giving you two peanut butter and orange marmalade sandwiches feels more generous than giving you half a dozen peanut butter and grape jam sandwiches.

But it’s tricky…

The first problem is we assume everyone is like we are. I think orange marmalade is amazing, especially the slightly bitter French version, made with Seville oranges and cane sugar. My wife, however, is not a fan. She is okay with the sweeter American version, but it’s well down her list of jams. Giving her what I prefer would not be generous, as she wouldn’t care for it.

The second problem is that what our spouse most wants may not be easy. French orange marmalade is not found at most stores where we live. If my wife wants to bless me with a jar for my birthday, she has to shop around or go online and allow for shipping time. Grabbing a jar of what is at the local grocery will not bless me nearly as much.

Real marital generosity is about giving what our spouse most wants. Doing that requires becoming an expert on your spouse. You would think this would be easy, but it usually isn’t.

Some folks are bad at sharing what they want. Some were taught it’s selfish to ask for things or to even want things. Others fear that exposing their desires makes them vulnerable. Some feel embarrassed about some of what they like and are afraid others will think it’s silly. The man who gets socks for every holiday may have done this to himself by being unwilling or unable to tell people what he would like as gifts.

There are also people who don’t know what they want, or are unable to admit to themselves what they want. They may express no preferences, or they may come up with a short list they feed to those who ask, but they really don’t know.

Watch your spouse. What causes them to light up? What makes them happy? What commercials or ads hold their attention a bit longer? What activities engage them better? Even if they don’t see it, you can find things that they enjoy and work to give them more of those things.

~ This is Paul, and giving what is most wanted is Doing Marriage Well.

Widge is an expert at keeping cool

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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