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Sean’s third question in his sermon was, “Have you gathered people around a ‘cause of hurt’? Using your hurt to draw others to your cause through shared trauma.”

There is nothing wrong with seeking those who have been hurt the same way you have. It can be a good way to find healing. But it can also be a way to wallow and become bitter.

In the 2nd Samuel passage, Absalom creates a following by being publicly available and becoming identified with the hurts of others. He looked for those who had an axe to grind with his father and built a rebellion on their backs.

It is far too common for a man or woman unhappy with their spouse to seek others with similar frustrations in their marriages. Rather than suggesting other ways to see what happened, they attack the other spouse. Rather than pointing out things their friend did wrong, they absolve them of all responsibility. Rather than encouraging each other to grow, they attack the spouses who are not there to share their side. This dynamic is especially dangerous when some members of the group are divorced and still angry.  

We want to hear it’s not us. We want to be told our spouse was wrong and treated us horribly. And it’s easy to find people who will do those things. These people take everything we say as one hundred percent accurate and true. They paint our marriage with their own pain and help us play the victim.

But as much as this makes us feel better, it’s not what we need. And it’s not the kind of counsel the Bible tells us to seek. If your friend or group never questions your actions or assumptions, they don’t love you, and they’re dangerous for your marriage. A truly loving friend will hold your hand while you cry, but then ask, ‘What was your part in this?’

Even if your spouse is way out of line, you’re not perfect. Spending time with folks who pump up your pain, excuse what you do wrong, and justify you not doing the hard work to fix your marriage is a really bad plan.

Are you seeking or hanging with people who see your spouse as bad? Are you doing that for a friend? Ask yourself what Jesus would say if He were part of your marriage gripe fests.

~ This is Paul, and seeing clearly helps us Do Marriage Well.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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