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We have scripts we follow when we have sex, and many of us only use one or two scripts. The most common is foreplay, moving to intercourse, and then thrusting until both spouses climax. If she doesn’t orgasm from intercourse, he takes care of her in some other way before or after. Roll over, go to sleep, and repeat next time.
There is nothing wrong with this script, provided it works well for both husband and wife.
The reality is there are a lot of couples where the husband is having good or great sex, and the wife is having okay or poor sex. And often the guy has no idea his wife is not enjoying it nearly as much as he is – because she has never told him that their sex script is not doing it for her.
Many women come into marriage with no real idea what would make sex good for them. This could be from inexperience, but it also happens when the woman has had one or more partners. Non-married sex is not usually great for women.
So a couple gets married, and they follow the man’s sex script because it’s the only one on the table. The woman may assume it’s her fault it’s not working for her. If she doesn’t blame herself, she may not speak up out of fear or embarrassment. Besides, he is clearly enjoying it, and she doesn’t want to mess that up.
If you’re a husband, please assume your current sex script is not as good for your wife as it is for you. If you’re a wife and sex is falling short, please speak up. I’ve talked to a lot of men about sex, and the vast majority would want to know if she were not getting as much enjoyment out of sex as he is.
Once you know the current script is not ideal, it’s time to try some new scripts. Below are a few ideas to get you thinking:
- Use two positions. A study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found women who normally use more than one position report significantly higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship passion. As most men are done once they climax, begin with what works for her and then switch after she climaxes.
- Take turns. Using hands, mouth, toys, and/or intercourse as desired, focus on one spouse until they orgasm. Then focus on the other spouse. If he tends to fall asleep after he climaxes, she should orgasm first. If he can continue, try both ways.
- Masturbate together. Some folks love doing this; some have no use for it. But you won’t know until you try it. If you lie head to feet, you can watch each other.
- Stop short. Orgasm is great, but not every sex act has to end with orgasms. You can touch and enjoy each other sexually without getting so worked up you have to climax. This is a great way to have sex more often. Note: This won’t work for most younger men, but as we age, we can enjoy fondling or even penetration for what it offers with and sometimes without orgasm.
If your script is not resulting in great sex for both of you, it’s time to get a new script.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well requires the right script.
And now the daliahs are blooming.
Flowers are one of God’s gifts to us.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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