Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vZz06r
Lori and I have met with a lot of unhappy, struggling couples. The majority of the time they are where they are because they both have valid needs that are not being met or even acknowledged by their spouse. The needs vary, and how the people are behaving varies, but that general statement covers most couples looking for help. And many who are not looking for help.
I’ve talked in the past about wants vs needs and suggested that much of what we dismiss as a want is needed for a marriage to be healthy. I won’t rehash that here, except to offer a quick reminder: love is all about going beyond the bare minimum. If what your spouse wants is not abusive or grossly unreasonable, please treat it as a need.
If you and your spouse both have valid needs that are not being met, your marriage is not happy. And the longer those needs go unmet, the worse it gets. Some people deal with this by detaching from the marriage and trying to get their needs met by others. I’m not talking about adultery, but anytime you stop looking to your spouse for something, it hurts your marriage. Doing this more and more results in a marriage that dies with a whimper.
If you find yourselves in this place, the path forward is remarkably straightforward. It comes down to three steps:
- Tell your spouse what they want is valid.
- Promise to find a way to meet that need.
- Meet the need.
I said it was simple, not easy. But anyone can do it if they are willing.
The rest of this week we will discuss how you accomplish this and what will get in your way. For now I’d like you to think of the two things you really, really need from your spouse. Then consider what two things they really need from you. If you’re not sure, ask.
Then ask God to give you the courage and determination to do what you need to do. If you and your spouse both have valid unmet needs, doing what I’m suggesting could make a massive difference in your marriage. And while your spouse does need to get on board for it to really work, you can start without them. If you start doing it, they will likely move towards you.
~ This is Paul, and validating your spouse’s needs is a good first step to Doing Marriage Well.
Moooove along!
This calf went under a fence. When we drove by, we scared it home.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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