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Yesterday I said the first step to a better marriage is telling your spouse that what they want is valid. This can be a sticking point, as we tend to dismiss what our spouse says they need as unfair, unimportant, or unrealistic. We do that as a cognitive shield, because if what they say they need is valid and we aren’t doing it, we have to face the uncomfortable feeling that we are falling short.

We decide what they need is not that important because we are different and don’t feel the same need. Or don’t feel it as strongly. And our spouse does the same to us. And that is how we get to the place where both spouses feel their valid needs are not being met.

We may get reinforcement for “not valid” from our friends or our culture. Men tell each other women want too much communication, while women tell each other men want too much sex. The sad irony is the fact we say these things proves those things are common needs. If most women want more conversation, that means most women need more conversation.

While every relationship is unique, here is a list of things that are valid needs in marriage. Many of these skew to one gender, but not all.

• Respect
• A shared spiritual connection
• Support for personal growth and passions
• Getting out of the house together, without the kids or friends
• A few minutes alone to relax when getting home from work
• Help with the kids
• Multiple deep conversations each week, lasting for at least half an hour
• Nonsexual touch
• Verbal appreciation
• Regularly taking care of some household chores
• Sex several times a week
• Emotional safety
• A decent level of order and cleanliness
• Alone time
• Couple friends

I’m sure I’ve missed a few important ones, but this should give you an idea of what valid needs look like.

Are you ready to set aside fear, pride, selfishness, and whatever else and tell your spouse what they want from you is valid?

~ This is Paul, and invalidating your spouse’s needs is NOT Doing Marriage Well.

Love watching the humming birds.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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