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If you have both validated each other’s top needs, now what? Meeting those needs will probably take time and effort. You may have to make some life changes to do some of what is needed, and that can be slow going. Beyond that, you both feel empty and neglected, and you both need change NOW.

Imagine you were both injured. Say you were hiking, and you both fell down a steep shale hill. You both have some significant cuts. You have a good first-aid kit and have been trained for this. The way to deal with this situation is for one of you to do a quick patch job on the other to stop the bleeding. Then the one who has been patched up works on the other, cleaning wounds well, doing stitches as needed, and applying antiseptic and bandages. When that is done, the spouse who has just been treated goes back to the patch-up they did and does a proper job.

I will give an example where one spouse is hurting over a lack of sex, as that is a common issue. While this is usually the man, increasingly, it’s the woman who complains about this.

The patch-up is done on sex. Find a way to give the one who wants more some form of sex at least every three days. The spouse who is less interested gets to decide when and how. 

With this done, the patched-up spouse works to give the other something they need. Not a halfway job; they work on it until the need is being met well and regularly. Then and only then do you go back to working on sex.

There are a couple of reasons for doing it this way. A temporary patch-up in this area can go a long way to helping the one frustrated about sex. It also gives them hope for something better later and motivates them to work on what their spouse needs. Beyond this, you can’t make sex what it should be when you have problems with communication or many of the other things on the list. Really fixing sex has to be last, so a patch job first is required.

The process is the same if sex is not a top issue for either spouse. What need can a halfway job make significantly better? What need has to be met to really take care of another need?

~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.

The end of another day in a beautiful place

Thank you, God!

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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