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Yesterday I gave a list of things I see as valid needs in a marriage. But not everything expressed as a need is valid. How do we judge what our spouse says they need?
For the most part, if it’s not enabling and you can do it fairly easily, I’d say just do it. This is the heart of a generous spouse.
A couple of the items on yesterday’s list had qualifiers. Conversation and sex had frequencies suggested. Expecting double what I said is unreasonable, especially if you have kids or either of you has a job. Giving half of what I suggested is also unreasonable, unless there are some unusual situations. So part of validity is how often.
I qualified order and cleanliness with “a decent level”. Expecting an immaculate home is unreasonable. Expecting your spouse to be okay with significant disorder or mold is also unreasonable. So part of validity is about degree.
Another issue is the impact their “need” has on others. For instance, “I expect you to keep the three and five-year-old silent while I work” is unfair to you and to the children. “I need the house to be 80 degrees (27°C)” is unfair to others in the home; they need to put on a sweater.
Yesterday’s list included “verbal appreciation”. That’s a basic human need. But if your spouse needs constant validation, that’s an indication they have a problem for which they should get help. If this is the case, you probably can’t give them enough validation to make them feel the need has been met, and trying to do so only makes them think you are the problem.
If what they say they need is sin, that’s a no-go. I know people who expect their spouse to support them even if it requires lying. And I know people who expect their spouse to defend them even when they have done something wrong. Neither “sin for me” nor “help me cover my sin” is a valid need.
If you’re unsure about some need your spouse has expressed, talk to a marriage expert. Your friends will tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they want to be true in their marriage.
Meeting needs can be hard work, and it may stretch you. It may be challenging, but it should not be destructive.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well isn’t always easy
It starts as a trickle
Soon it will be a flood!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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