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Talking about sex and needs is always prickly. I’m going to start with one you probably didn’t see coming. A wife’s need for her husband to not look at porn is absolutely valid.
Aside from being sin, looking at porn is grossly disrespectful to women in general and to the wife in particular. It makes her feel her husband is not aroused by her, and when they have sex, she feels she is being used to drain off his porn-created lust.
I’ve heard all the excuses and claims. They’re lies and justifications. Greater depressive symptoms are associated with increased use of pornography. Additionally, porn use correlates with significantly lower sexual function and sexual satisfaction and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.
If you use porn, stop. If you can’t stop on your own, get help. (I highly recommend Be Broken Ministries.)
Next, of course, is frequency of sex. It is fair to discuss want vs need here. A lot of men would like to have sex daily, or even more often. If you have a life, that’s difficult and probably unreasonable. But it does tell us that most men have such a drive, and dismissing it because you find it annoying isn’t loving.
When I discussed a ‘patch-up’ job for sex yesterday, I suggested doing something every three days. Most men, especially those under fifty, would find that less than what is needed. And if most men feel that way, it’s difficult to claim the need is not valid.
As I have said in the past, this is mostly about perspective. If she feels used having sex every other day, it’s going to be difficult for her to meet his need. If she sees his sexual need as valid and considers meeting that need a part of how she loves and cares for him, it will be far easier.
If hubby is looking at porn or ignoring his wife’s needs, her feeling used as a sex object is on him. If he is a decent guy, avoiding porn and lust for other women, and meeting her needs well, then her feeling used is about something other than him.
~ This is Paul, and caring for your spouse is the first step to doing sex well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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Paul,
I’ve read enough from you over the years about porn that I have gotten to where I simply read over it. This one, however, I thought deserved a reply.
If you think: “A wife’s need for her husband to not look at porn is absolutely valid.” Then it’s also fair to say: “A husband’s need for his wife to accept porn is absolutely valid.”
I know you think everything that counters your belief about porn is nothing more than “excuses” and “claims”. So, I won’t even bother.
The only thing I will say is, just because YOU don’t like porn, stop trying to throw a blanket rule over it because of your own biases. If a wife doesn’t like porn, then the two of them can work through it – but just because she does NOT like it, does NOT mean that he is disrespecting her. It’s a tool – like a vibrator, which, by the way, you have no problem endorsing, as well as masturbation, which you also endorse. Masturbation is built upon fantasy, and fantasy implies what we don’t have. So keep that in mind the next time you’re advocating masturbation while trying to convince the rest of us that you’re thinking about your own wife when you do it.
You are only a few years older than me, Paul – so with all due respect, do not mistake my comments simply because you think I’m not old enough to understand.
That being said – have a blessed day, Paul.
@Jerry – If we swap porn for adultery, does your reversal still work in your mind?
It’s not about not liking it. It’s about seeing it as sin, and seeing it do a lot of harm to a lot of people. I included some links to studies that were not done by the folks who will make things up to prove porn is harmful.
But the odds of my changing your mind are likely no greater than you changing mine. So I will let it go.