Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wVIe3G
Most couples believe their partner is the primary obstacle to peace or flourishing. Far fewer confront the ways they justify withdrawal, contempt, emotional reactivity, or control because they are not receiving the response they most desire. ~ Jay Stringer
I was considering what to write about this week when my wonderful wife shared this quote with me. I have felt that with both couples we work with, and in my own marriage. So let’s go with that this week.
I’m sure we’ve all seen our spouse as an obstacle on occasion. And sometimes that is valid. Sharing life with my wife means I can’t, or at least should not, do whatever I want whenever I want without any regard for her. So she is an obstacle to me living the way I did when I was single. But I knew that was the deal when I married her, and I fully signed on for it.
Beyond that, her health, mental or physical, or her limitations, can get in the way of me doing certain things. Of course I care for her and offer her love and grace, but I’m still being blocked.
What Jay specified was being an obstacle to our peace or flourishing. These are things we all value highly, and we get frustrated when we feel blocked. The other thing Jay specified was seeing our spouse as the PRIMARY obstacle to us having those things.
We are quick to focus on any little slight by our spouse, and we tend to magnify such things beyond what they are. We are also very good at denying or minimising the things we have done to our spouse.
Doing these things is hardwired into us. We don’t want to be wrong, and we will gladly throw others under the bus to convince ourselves we’re not wrong, or at least not the biggest part of the problem. Even if we’re not the biggest part of the problem, the only part we can change is what we do and don’t do. That is where our power to change things lies.
Jay says that in his experience working with couples, ‘marriages often begin to change when each partner becomes more interested in confronting themselves than correcting one another.’ Lori and I see the same thing.
I dare you to focus less on what your spouse does and more on what you do. It’s a difficult thing to do, but it’s also a powerful way to improve your life and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and looking at yourself is Doing Marriage Well.
A Note: I’ve started doing a weekly digest podcast. Get the entire week in a single 12 to 15-minute file. If you don’t find Doing Marriage Well, wherever you listen, let me know. Or click here for last week’s.
Friends, not food.
Next we work on the chickens.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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