Podcast: https://bit.ly/44YAkL9
Jay Sringer talked about the damage done to marriages when people justify withdrawal or contempt. Let’s look at those things.
Withdrawal means pulling away, shutting down emotionally, and/or stopping all but the most necessary communication. As withdrawal will result in not engaging when there is friction, the lack of arguing is sometimes mistaken for being a good thing. But it’s not growth or agreement; it just means the person no longer cares. And apathy is a marriage killer.
Withdrawal usually means less physical touch. No longer is there snuggling when going to sleep or waking. It will likely also mean less sexual engagement. Beyond the physical, it means less emotional interaction. There is less concern for the other spouse and a lack of support. Other times all these things seem present, but it’s really just going through the motions.
Withdrawal is a marriage emergency. Left untreated, it will end your marriage even if it doesn’t lead to a divorce. The problem is the one who has withdrawn no longer cares and is not particularly interested in getting help. If you see withdrawal developing, act quickly. If it’s already set in, get help; you’re going to need it.
Contempt can come out as mockery or sarcasm. It can be cruel humour, name-calling, or ugly accusations. Or it could be as simple as rolling the eyes or making grunts of disgust. Contempt is a poison. Marriage expert John Gottman says it is the single greatest predictor of divorce. This makes contempt an even greater emergency than withdrawal.
If you realise you are guilty of contempt, deal with it, and be brutal about doing so. If you know what you used to justify contempt, deal with that. Be on the lookout for contempt, and shut it down at the first hint. Beyond that, apologise. Don’t explain or tell your spouse why; just say you were wrong. Tell them they don’t deserve to be treated that way, and you’re deeply sorry.
If you’re the recipient of contempt, I’d suggest you get help. You might try calmly saying, “I feel contempt in how you’re speaking to me. What’s going on?” It’s unlikely to make a difference in the moment, but if you don’t get angry, your spouse might think about it later and realise they were out of line.
Nothing your spouse does justifies these marriage-killing actions. Are you guilty of either?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well means treating your spouse well.
Fresh raspberry smoothies!
In the background are turkey eggs.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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