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The other two things Jay Stringer warned us about justifying doing to our spouse were emotional reactivity and control.
Emotional reactivity is the tendency to respond impulsively and strongly to everyday frustrations and minor issues. Emotional reactivity is driven by our fight-or-flight system, not our rational mind. We can try to fight it, or we can give into it.
Once emotional reactivity kicks in, you can no longer have a calm, rational discussion. We don’t really hear what is being said to us when we are emotionally reactive, because we see our spouse as a threat to us. We attack, run, or freeze, none of which allows for discussion.
External stress is often a factor. If you already feel threatened, it doesn’t take much to be pushed over the edge. But if we justify doing this to our spouse because of other stress, it means we won’t even try to avoid it. Neither do we feel the need to apologise for it later.
Control is a common issue in marriage. We all want control of our life and surroundings, and controlling our spouse makes us feel we have that. The problem, of course, is no one likes being controlled.
Men tend to try to control overtly, while women are more likely to be manipulative. Both hurt a marriage. No one wants to be close to or interact with someone who is trying to control them.
Beyond withdrawal, contempt, emotional reactivity, and control, are there other things you have justified, or been tempted to justify, because your spouse hasn’t given you the response you desire from them? Where are you holding back or pushing because of what you see as their failed response?
~ This is Paul, and justification does not lead to Doing Marriage Well.
Got the young turkeys moved in with their parents.
Took about five minutes for them to become a flock.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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