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Have you ever treated your spouse badly because they didn’t give you the response you desired in bed? Do you think your spouse has ever done this to you?
The hardcore versions of this are only being nice after you get sex or only saying yes to sex when you want something. Usually it’s more subtle, but if it keeps happening the other spouse figures it out.
Rather than kicking around various ways this plays out, I want to deal with an issue that can be part of this. It’s called SEX IS DIFFERENT! Sex is different, and the rules that apply to the rest of the marriage relationship do not apply to sex. Sex gets its own set of rules.
The spouse who’s less interested in sex doesn’t want to feel obliged to have sex unless they want it. They feel they should have the right to veto sex for any reason. And the idea of being sexually generous is borderline abuse. The reasoning is that sex is so intimate and personal it’s unfair to treat it like every other aspect of marriage.
The spouse who’s more interested in sex feels sex should happen regardless of what is happening in the relationship. They feel being at odds with each other, or having treated their spouse poorly, should not justify saying no to sex. Sex is not part of the relationship; it’s a whole different thing. The reasoning is sex is so important it’s wrong to say no for relationship issues.
I think both of these are wrong. And unbiblical.
The Bible is clear that we are to be sexual. Aside from medical or other life-happens reasons, it gives one valid reason for not having sex: and that one is to be by mutual consent. On the other hand, the Bible does not make anyone a sexual slave, and it does not give a spouse the right to demand sex. If you have hurt your spouse or ignored them, their not wanting to have sex is reasonable. It’s not retaliation; it’s emotional self-protection. What’s more, forcing yourself to have sex in such a situation causes additional hurt and can make the person stop wanting sex at all.
If you think sex is different, I suggest you spend some time thinking and praying about that. Are you making excuses or justifying something? Is what you think fair to your spouse? Does it favour love, generosity, and godly behaviour?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
Tilly?
I just want to play.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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