by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 23, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4baF0Rz
What if you could improve your sex life from the privacy of your home, spending less than an hour a week? A recent study suggests you can.
A group of thirty heterosexual individuals were asked to write out a sexual fantasy at least twice a week for four weeks. A control group wrote about having a meal with friends.
At the end of four weeks, those who had done the fantasies had some big improvements in their sexuality. They had a significant increase in sexual desire, an increase in sexual pleasure, and fewer cognitive distractions during sex, especially less worrying about performance. They had an increase in positive feelings about sex and a decrease in negative feelings. The fantasy group also experienced an increase in partner connectedness.
None of this is surprising. Sex is mostly in our heads, and writing out a fantasy changes how we think about sex.
If you want to give this a try, keep it private at first. If you want to share what you wrote later, that’s fine. But worrying about what your spouse might think will interfere with the process. Do write, be it longhand or typed into a device. Other studies have shown what we commit to paper or screen is more powerful than just thinking about it.
Obviously you write about sex between you and your spouse. Exploring something you have never done but think about is fine, but writing only about things your spouse doesn’t want to do is a bad plan.
Eventually sharing some of your fantasies could be a good thing for your sex life, if doing so feels comfortable and safe. It will teach your spouse how you see sex and what you long for sexually. It could be a way to start a discussion about something new you want to try. And sharing a fantasy could be good foreplay!
~ This is Paul, and fantasies can help you Do Sex Well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 22, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4frDgEG
There is a large body of evidence that says regular sex is good for us in many ways. And this seems especially true as we get older.
Before we look at the findings, with links to the studies, let’s address how research like this actually works. The classic rule that “correlation does not mean causation” is always a consideration. Some of the studies dealt with that; some did not. Another issue is determining which is cause and which is effect. Healthier people are generally going to have more sex than those with health issues. Some of the studies controlled for that; some did not.
But the findings of these studies are important even when we say healthier people have more sex. It means having less sex may well signal a problem that we should deal with. Some of the causes of ED are things that can kill a man. Going to get help with ED could save a man’s life. Depression limits sex and increases deaths. Dealing with depression will lead to both more sex and a longer life. And an unhappy marriage hurts our sex life and our mental and physical health. Working for a better marriage will improve all of those.
Some of the benefits found in these studies were seen no matter how one has an orgasm. But some were only found when couples had sex, and for some the quality of the sex mattered.
Here’s a quick look at some of the health benefits ascribed to sex:
If you could buy all of those benefits in a supplement, everyone would want a bottle. All it costs you to have those benefits is making time and energy for regular sex, and having a marriage that makes regular sex possible.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is doing life well.
Getting strawberries now.
Big and sweet!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 21, 2026 | Doing Sex Well
Podcast: https://bit.ly/44FCkYE
So guys, let’s talk about needles and your penis. I’ll wait a second for you to get over the thought.
There are several FDA-approved drugs that a man injects into his penis at home to give himself an erection. These produce a very hard erection in 5 to 20 minutes, and the erection lasts half an hour to an hour. Men who have used it say it “just works”. Side effects are rare and mild. And there are reports of the return of spontaneous erections because of the drug.
There are treatments for ED that are less invasive, but if those don’t work for you or result in unacceptable side effects, injections are an option. And the needle is very narrow!
An off-label injection for ED is Botox, injected by a doctor. This increases blood flow to the penis, which improves erections. In one study, 86% of men with mild ED were helped. For moderate and severe ED, the rates were 79% and 64%, respectively. It takes a couple of weeks to kick in, and then works for six to nine months. Botox has been shown to be safe, with only mild side effects. This treatment results in getting erections normally. As a side effect, the treatment can result in a larger flaccid ‘hang size’ – an outcome men did not complain about.
Botox is also being used to treat PE. This is new, and studies have been small. But good results have been shown, and safety established. Positive results last three to six months, with increased time tapering off gradually. Many men were able to last three times as long as normal, which beats most other PE treatments. I’d call this one interesting but needing more study. Fine-tuning doses and the injection site could make it better or more reliable.
Another off-label PE treatment is injecting hyaluronic acid into the glans (head) of the penis. This has been shown to significantly increase how long a man can engage in intercourse before climax. In one study, the average time went from 38 seconds to five and a half minutes. This time gradually lessened but was still four minutes at 12 months. Hyaluronic acid has been used in cosmetic surgery for decades and has well-established safety. The only issues were minor pain or irritation at the injection site, which cleared in time.
Finding someone to do these procedures may take some real effort, and those that are off-label will not be covered by insurance. But if you struggle a good deal, it may be worth the effort. Do your own research, and know what you are getting. And of course, I’m not a doctor, and I’m not giving medical advice! 🙂
~ This is Paul, and who knew a needle could help you Do Sex Well?
We have a rabbit who keeps getting into the pigpen.
Apparently they get better scraps.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 20, 2026 | concept
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wjMRoE
My virtual pile of articles about sexual health has reached a tipping point, so I will do some of them this week.
I want to start by helping you understand how doctors deal with sexuality Or don’t deal with it. As I have mentioned in the past, most doctors receive virtually no training about sex. Beyond that, few will bring up the issue. If you need medical help for sexual issues, you will have to advocate for yourself, push a bit, and ask for referrals if you don’t get what you need from your GP.
There is growing interest in treating sexual issues. Unfortunately, much of that is done by individuals who don’t have as much training as they should. You have the full-on charlatans who sell “supplements” for every conceivable sexual malady. These folk just want your money.
A real concern is that so-called supplements can contain dangerous things. Many over-the-counter “sexual enhancement” supplements contain sildenafil, which is the drug in Viagra. So it might help you with ED, but it could also interact with heart and blood pressure medications, possibly causing dangerously low blood pressure. Exact numbers are impossible, but thousands have ended up in the hospital from taking sex supplements, and it’s guessed hundreds have died.
Then there is off-label prescribing. This is a valid thing that doctors do. Often it is based on good research that the FDA has not acted on yet. But it means there is less testing than with FDA-approved drug prescribing and no approved dosages, which makes it riskier. For example, there is a growing trend of prescribing testosterone for women. There is good science showing this can help menopausal women have increased sex drive. But it can also result in side effects that are permanent, including facial hair or an enlarged clitoris.
Other countries, such as Australia, have tested and approved testosterone formulations for women. But these are not available in the US.
There are places that specialise in providing off-label drugs for sexual health. Most of them are telehealth groups who never see patients in person. There is little or no screening for pre-existing conditions that would make a drug dangerous for an individual.
Because of the way our medical system is set up in the US, your options are sometimes limited. Bypassing your primary care doctor may be the only way to get a drug. But it also puts you at greater risk. If you do this, I suggest you let your doctor know what you are doing so they will know and can give you testing or monitoring you won’t get from the places that will provide you with the drug.
~ This is Paul, and better sex is not worth dying for.
Widget got her first trip to a dog-friendly coffee shop.
No, I did not get her a puppuccino.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 17, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fq05c1
Talking about sex and needs is always prickly. I’m going to start with one you probably didn’t see coming. A wife’s need for her husband to not look at porn is absolutely valid.
Aside from being sin, looking at porn is grossly disrespectful to women in general and to the wife in particular. It makes her feel her husband is not aroused by her, and when they have sex, she feels she is being used to drain off his porn-created lust.
I’ve heard all the excuses and claims. They’re lies and justifications. Greater depressive symptoms are associated with increased use of pornography. Additionally, porn use correlates with significantly lower sexual function and sexual satisfaction and higher rates of sexual dysfunction.
If you use porn, stop. If you can’t stop on your own, get help. (I highly recommend Be Broken Ministries.)
Next, of course, is frequency of sex. It is fair to discuss want vs need here. A lot of men would like to have sex daily, or even more often. If you have a life, that’s difficult and probably unreasonable. But it does tell us that most men have such a drive, and dismissing it because you find it annoying isn’t loving.
When I discussed a ‘patch-up’ job for sex yesterday, I suggested doing something every three days. Most men, especially those under fifty, would find that less than what is needed. And if most men feel that way, it’s difficult to claim the need is not valid.
As I have said in the past, this is mostly about perspective. If she feels used having sex every other day, it’s going to be difficult for her to meet his need. If she sees his sexual need as valid and considers meeting that need a part of how she loves and cares for him, it will be far easier.
If hubby is looking at porn or ignoring his wife’s needs, her feeling used as a sex object is on him. If he is a decent guy, avoiding porn and lust for other women, and meeting her needs well, then her feeling used is about something other than him.
~ This is Paul, and caring for your spouse is the first step to doing sex well.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 16, 2026 | Validate & Meet
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4aYBmKv
Yesterday I gave a list of things I see as valid needs in a marriage. But not everything expressed as a need is valid. How do we judge what our spouse says they need?
For the most part, if it’s not enabling and you can do it fairly easily, I’d say just do it. This is the heart of a generous spouse.
A couple of the items on yesterday’s list had qualifiers. Conversation and sex had frequencies suggested. Expecting double what I said is unreasonable, especially if you have kids or either of you has a job. Giving half of what I suggested is also unreasonable, unless there are some unusual situations. So part of validity is how often.
I qualified order and cleanliness with “a decent level”. Expecting an immaculate home is unreasonable. Expecting your spouse to be okay with significant disorder or mold is also unreasonable. So part of validity is about degree.
Another issue is the impact their “need” has on others. For instance, “I expect you to keep the three and five-year-old silent while I work” is unfair to you and to the children. “I need the house to be 80 degrees (27°C)” is unfair to others in the home; they need to put on a sweater.
Yesterday’s list included “verbal appreciation”. That’s a basic human need. But if your spouse needs constant validation, that’s an indication they have a problem for which they should get help. If this is the case, you probably can’t give them enough validation to make them feel the need has been met, and trying to do so only makes them think you are the problem.
If what they say they need is sin, that’s a no-go. I know people who expect their spouse to support them even if it requires lying. And I know people who expect their spouse to defend them even when they have done something wrong. Neither “sin for me” nor “help me cover my sin” is a valid need.
If you’re unsure about some need your spouse has expressed, talk to a marriage expert. Your friends will tend to tell you what you want to hear or what they want to be true in their marriage.
Meeting needs can be hard work, and it may stretch you. It may be challenging, but it should not be destructive.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well isn’t always easy
It starts as a trickle
Soon it will be a flood!
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