by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 31, 2026 | Get Along!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4cMynWo
I deal with a lot of folks who are unhappy with each other. Beyond dealing with marriages, we live in community. We love it, but in some ways it’s like a marriage with a dozen folks, each with their own stuff. On top of that, I’m an elder at my church, which means I am aware of and often involved with squabbles that happen there.
Another Paul dealt with the same thing. In Philippians 4:2–3 Paul urges two women to put aside their differences, agree, and work together in the Lord. Apparently these women were leaders in their faith community, and they’d had a falling out. We are all broken, and leaders are not exempt from that. Or from doing things they should not because of their brokenness. Lori and I once tried to help two women in leadership who had been best friends for years deal with a falling out. We couldn’t find anything that justified them being so upset, and in the end they walked away from each other, both devastated by their loss. I hated that they would not mend their relationship.
When I deal with these situations, what I usually see is two broken people both stuck in their fear and pride. This is the case for most “personality clashes” in marriages, friendships, work and church relationships. The issue that triggered the blow-up is rarely important. It’s usually the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And most of the straws are also little things that really don’t matter. The few real issues are so buried in junk the two people can’t see them, much less work on them. That, and usually when it gets ugly, neither person is willing to back down or change.
Sometimes it’s just one person who refuses to see reason or bend. In these relationships there is often a long-standing pattern of the reasonable person giving the benefit of the doubt and letting go of things. If the selfish person does something considerably worse than the norm, the house of cards collapses. The reasonable person can’t let it go, and the unreasonable one is unable to apologise or back down.
All too often, Lori and I find ourselves working with two adults who act like children. They magnify small events, assume motive, and camp on meaningless issues. I’ve heard the same from a slew of therapists, coaches, and leaders. Maybe I was less aware in the past, but I think it’s getting worse. Perhaps it’s a reflection of society as a whole being increasingly rude and divisive.
One would think there would be less of this from folks who follow Jesus. But as the passage I mentioned above shows, it still happens. I’ve actually heard folks use various Bible passages to justify what they are doing. I mean justifying anger, refusing to forgive, and even hatred.
The rest of this week I will look at this more deeply. If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, good for you and your spouse. Odds are it still comes up in your life from time to time. If not you and another person, then two people you know. So this set of posts may be useful well beyond marriage.
Think about the last time you were involved in or witnessed two adults at odds with each other because both were unreasonable and possibly immature. If you were involved, can you see what part you played in perpetuating the issue? Are you the more or less reasonable person in the situation?
~ This is Paul, and the Bible commands us to Do Relationships Well
The harvest continues
Tomatoes, banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, and zucchini
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 29, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wXq9Cc
I’m doing an extra post this week because something that has been on my mind more or less fits. I want to talk about arousal non-concordance. Arousal non-concordance means the brain and the genitals are not in sync, with one experiencing arousal while the other is not.
One version of this happens to men regularly. Any time a man has a dream, he gets an erection. So if he wakes during or just after a dream, he is erect. His penis is aroused, but his brain is not (unless his dream was sexual). Being erect may make him think of sex, getting his brain going. Especially if it’s the weekend and morning sex is a thing for him and his wife. On the other hand, if it’s a weekday and he has an important early meeting, he ignores the erection, and it goes away without his mind ever being aroused. This happens often for many men, and it’s not a big deal or a problem.
It’s also possible for the brain to be aroused while the body is not, which we will explore shortly.
Arousal non-concordance can happen when a couple is together, and this can lead to confusion and hurt feelings. The first scenario is when a man finds his wife wet and assumes it means she wants sex. But if her body is aroused and her mind is not, his assumption can go wrong. If he suggests sex and she says no, he may feel hurt; she is aroused and still won’t have sex! If he just goes for it, assuming she is all about it, she may get upset. If she lets him keep going, she may have an orgasm she doesn’t want to have. And yes, guys, that’s a real thing.
A wife can make the same mistake, taking her husband’s erection as an indication he is aroused. If his brain is not aroused and he says no to sex, she may worry he doesn’t desire her, is looking at porn, or is cheating on her. If she wants more sex than he does, his refusal can hurt her just as when the genders are reversed.
The opposite, when the brain is aroused and the body is not, can also cause problems. He does something that gets her going mentally, but when she suggests sex, he finds she is not wet. He thinks maybe she is offering mercy sex. If he tells her she is not aroused, that can cause an argument that kills the moment.
There is a major gender difference here. A man knows when he has an erection. But it’s possible for a woman’s body to be aroused and her not be aware of it. Especially if it’s moderate arousal or she’s not thinking about it. So while both men and women experience arousal non-concordance, men are almost always aware of it, while women may not be. It has been suggested women’s bodies respond with arousal easily to keep them from pain or injury from unwanted sex.
So, how should this information affect your marriage?
First, you both need to understand that arousal non-concordance is a thing. Second, you need to agree that neither erections nor wetness communicate arousal; arousal is communicated by saying you are aroused.
In practical terms, how does this play out? If she says she wants sex, but he doesn’t find her body aroused, using some lube and going slow at first will allow them to do what she wants. This might get her mind going. Or she might orgasm without her brain kicking in until the last moment, if at all. Hubby could say, “Your body is not there yet; how do you want to proceed?” and then go with what she suggests.
On the other side, he should never see her physical arousal as an invitation or an obligation. It makes sense that God would design the generally lower-drive spouse to be easily aroused physically, but what a woman does with that is her choice. She should lean toward generosity, but it’s up to her.
~ This is Paul, and understanding arousal non-concordance helps you Do Sex Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 28, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3SsT0QB
If you ask one hundred men how their sex drive compares to men their age, probably three-quarters will say their drive is higher than average. This, of course, is a mathematical impossibility.
Part of the reason for this is men don’t usually talk about such things with each other. So we have nothing to compare ourselves to. Another issue is living in a world that denies gender differences. A lot of women claim men and women have the same sex drives. Research says otherwise. If we look at average sex drive for men and women rather than just men, then the majority of men will have a high drive.
What makes this a problem is that most decent men don’t want to mistreat their wife by asking for “too much” sex. He reasons his drive is too high, so he needs to suppress it. Of course this is not really possible. So he asks for less than he wants. That means by the time he does ask, he’s in a bad way. This makes “no” far worse for him. It also means when they do have sex, he is very aroused, and that makes it difficult for him to focus on her pleasure and to hold himself back. Having less sex than he needs makes the sex the couple does have less enjoyable for both of them.
Sometimes a man is angry at his wife for not having sex as often as he wants. But if he’s not asking for as much as he needs, it’s not on her. Some men, I suspect many, masturbate to drain off their desire so they can get by on less sex. But he wants more than an orgasm; he wants sexual intimacy. So this strategy doesn’t work well.
I’ve heard an accusation that men are selfish, asking for “more sex than they need”. How does that make sense? If he had what he needed, if he were satisfied, he wouldn’t ask again until he felt the need. But this idea is out there, and it adds to men’s fear and guilt.
I know most women are tired of hearing “he needs more sex”. But it’s said so often because it’s true and it’s a common marriage problem. A recent study found only 57% of men are satisfied with their sex life. And a large Australian study found that most men living with a woman are having sex no more than half as often as they would like. It’s emotionally painful for the men who struggle with it, and it hurts their marriage even if he is silent about it.
BTW, it’s also emotionally painful for the estimated 25% of women who want more sex than hubby will have with them. A lack of sex is a marriage problem that should be addressed regardless of who wants more. The starting place is the lower drive spouse accepting it’s a problem.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well means being generous.
Our first ever seed to fruit tomatoes.
With many more on the way!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 27, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4d5IkOK
Many of the things we need from our spouse are more nebulous than the five love languages. And that can make it even more difficult to know if we are getting what we need. For example, we need to feel trusted. But how do you measure that?
I’ve grouped these into loose categories:
Appreciation: We need to feel valued through recognition, thanks, gratitude, and praise. It need not be over the top, but it should be regular. My wife and I regularly thank each other for being sane, or decent, or for acting like an adult. It’s saying, “I see you. I see what you do, and I value it.“
Emotional: We need emotional connection. Having that requires vulnerability, active listening, and being a safe place. Trust and the benefit of the doubt fit here. Doing this one means being okay with tears, anger, grief, and fear.
Intellectual: Most of us have a deep longing to be intellectually connected with our spouse. We want to feel they respect our mind. We want to engage in stimulating discussion and lovingly challenge each other to learn and stretch. We want to learn new things together and learn more about the things we both love.
Share life: I think sharing life is what marriage is all about. It means sharing your spouse’s hobbies by at least having some understanding. It means finding things to explore together. It means wanting to tell your spouse about what happened while you were apart and wanting to hear what happened to them. And sometimes it’s just physical presence: being in the same place without words or activity.
And one more – we need apologies from our spouse. Not just when they were mean or hurtful, we need apologies when they unintentionally hurt us. An apology is not saying “I was wrong” or “It was my fault”. An apology is saying, “I’m sorry you were hurt.” If you’re stingy with apologies, that is hurting your spouse and your marriage.
Think on these things. Which of these feels lacking to you? Can you see any you know you should give to your spouse in a greater way? If you’re feeling brave, discuss these things with your spouse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Seven or eight years ago I dug a trench by hand to keep this area from standing water through June each year.
Redoing it now with a tractor makes for a better trench and way less work!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 26, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4gCOKpP
Today I want to look at some of the more commonly thought-of things we need from our spouse. Tomorrow we will consider some less tangible ones.
A quick, easy list of things we need from our spouse can be found in the five love languages Gary Chapman writes about: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Most folks need all of these to one degree or another. And what we need is not set in stone. My wife has become more and more of a touch person over the last four decades. She didn’t get a lot of touch as a child, and got some bad touch as well, so she had reasons to not want touch. But I was safe, and as she relaxed, she found she needed and wanted touch.
Other times a lack of something growing up causes a greater hunger for it. The man who was never affirmed may feel a very strong need for that from his wife. The woman who never got gifts as a child may be thrilled with any little gift her husband gives her and feel unloved without a steady stream of gifts.
As I said yesterday, why we need as much as we need is irrelevant. If my wife needed a 20-minute backrub every day to feel balanced and loved, she’d get it, no questions asked. I’d plan the time and not wait for her to ask. My wife is the same way with me. I was the kid who never got affirmed, and when Lori realised how her affirming me made me feel, she looked for opportunities to do it.
Can any of this become manipulative? Of course it can. Expecting gifts, especially expensive gifts, could be selfishness. Saying you need a lot of acts of service could be a manipulative way of getting your spouse to do more than their share. And claiming to need touch because you want sex is dishonest. But it’s pretty easy to see when these things are being used in a manipulative way.
Watch how your spouse responds when you give them any of the five love languages. At least a couple will really bless them. They may relax, open up, or become affectionate. When you see this, determine to give them more of the same. Flood them with what feeds them because you love them and they deserve it.
~ This is Paul, and giving abundantly is Doing Marriage Well.
Note: Due to a connection problem, posts for Monday and Tuesday did not email on time. Both were sent yesterday afternoon.
We grew field peas as a test this year to see if they would help us cut our animal feed bill.
The pigs are all about them!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 25, 2026 | Enough?
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4zAXSUf
Before we look at specific marriage needs that we may not be getting in the amount we need, I want to look at a couple of reasons we may not feel a need as we should. I also want to consider reasons we may feel a need more strongly than others, or more than we once did.
Stress interferes with our ability to judge what we need. When we’re in crisis mode, we ignore a lot of needs. This is good. But if we live in crisis mode, we stop feeling our needs. Being tired all the time has much the same effect. If experience has taught you that you won’t get as much of something as you need from your spouse, you may try to protect yourself by lying about how much you need. This works about as well as lying to yourself about how much water you need.
Another issue is guilt. If you know you’re shortchanging your spouse in some way, you may downgrade what you want from them. You feel you don’t deserve as much because of your failure. A similar issue is thinking you need “too much” of something. Perhaps that comes from comparing yourself to others, or from having bad examples, or from being told you were unreasonable or greedy. So you downplay your need and avoid asking for what you actually need.
As is usually true with marriage issues, our pasts, and specifically our family of origin, can be a factor. If you grew up in a family that didn’t give you much touch, you may not be able to feel the need for touch. But it can work the other way. If you were never validated by your parents, you may have an exaggerated hunger for that now.
Needing more of something than others is not necessarily a result of a problem. We’re all different, and that means what we need to feel safe, secure and loved varies. There can also be a greater need for external reasons. When I was working in the Texas heat, I needed far more water than most men because I was sweating so much out. Drinking only what a man sitting in an air-conditioned office needed would have put me in the hospital. Or worse! If you are in a job that drains you, or one of your children is being a real challenge, you may need more of something from your spouse to avoid ending up emotionally exhausted.
All that said, why we need more is irrelevant. A small number of people need more sleep than most people. And if they don’t get that sleep, it harms them. Why they need more does not change the fact they need it. If you, or your spouse, need more touch, affirmation, or conversation than most people, the need is valid and should be met if reasonable possible.
Finally, if your goal is to figure out the minimum and give or ask for that, you are missing the point. Maybe you miscalculated. Perhaps there is a temporary increase in a need. Or your spouse may be underestimating or under-reporting what they need. Giving more than the minimum creates a buffer. It’s also a loving, generous way to treat each other.
~ This is Paul, and meeting needs is Doing Marriage Well.
The grandkids picking strawberries.
Widget is supervising to make sure they don’t get into the blackberries!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
