Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wyFoB6
Yesterday I warned you about not letting your spouse’s mood make you feel bad. Today let’s talk about the reverse, trying to keep your mood from taking your spouse down.
This is tricky because hiding how you feel is never a good idea. Your spouse should know where you are mentally and emotionally. Knowing you’re down or stressed should elicit concern and some effort to make things easier for you.
Part of this is not allowing your mood to run wild. If we lean into a mood, it can become much stronger. If you’re down, talking a lot about the things that got you down will make it worse. Talking with folks who feel the same way will also make it worse.
A bigger issue is what you feel your spouse’s response to your moods should be. Caring and praying? Trying to help? Joining you in your bad mood? Do you expect them to rescue you from your bad mood? Do you expect them to guard you from others? If you’re down, is it their job to keep the kids away? Do you want them to be kind and helpful, or do you put unfair responsibility on them? If you’re down and they are not, do you feel betrayed? Do note reaching out for comfort is very different than expecting them to fix things.
Have you and your spouse talked about this? They may assume you expect things you do not. This could be due to their past. If they had any abuse in their growing-up years, fixing your mood may feel like a matter of life and death.
Saying something like “I’m sorry I’m down; I don’t expect you to fix it” is loving and helpful.
Beyond all this, if you regularly are in a less than great mood, is that something you need to deal with? Being grumpy most of the time is not okay. Why are you grumpy? What can you do to deal with the triggers? We can’t easily change how we feel, and it’s more difficult with some emotions than others. But we can choose how we react to what we feel, and we can choose how we act towards others when we feel bad.
Finally, do you keep your bad mood under control at work or in public but unleash it at home? That’s a choice, and not a loving one. Of course you are more honest with your spouse, but that does not justify treating them poorly.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The pole beans went in late, but are doing well; some are eight feet high.
I expect to start picking beans in a couple weeks. Very happy with this way of growing them. There’s a gap on one side so we can get underneath to pick.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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