Podcast: https://bit.ly/4zAXSUf
Before we look at specific marriage needs that we may not be getting in the amount we need, I want to look at a couple of reasons we may not feel a need as we should. I also want to consider reasons we may feel a need more strongly than others, or more than we once did.
Stress interferes with our ability to judge what we need. When we’re in crisis mode, we ignore a lot of needs. This is good. But if we live in crisis mode, we stop feeling our needs. Being tired all the time has much the same effect. If experience has taught you that you won’t get as much of something as you need from your spouse, you may try to protect yourself by lying about how much you need. This works about as well as lying to yourself about how much water you need.
Another issue is guilt. If you know you’re shortchanging your spouse in some way, you may downgrade what you want from them. You feel you don’t deserve as much because of your failure. A similar issue is thinking you need “too much” of something. Perhaps that comes from comparing yourself to others, or from having bad examples, or from being told you were unreasonable or greedy. So you downplay your need and avoid asking for what you actually need.
As is usually true with marriage issues, our pasts, and specifically our family of origin, can be a factor. If you grew up in a family that didn’t give you much touch, you may not be able to feel the need for touch. But it can work the other way. If you were never validated by your parents, you may have an exaggerated hunger for that now.
Needing more of something than others is not necessarily a result of a problem. We’re all different, and that means what we need to feel safe, secure and loved varies. There can also be a greater need for external reasons. When I was working in the Texas heat, I needed far more water than most men because I was sweating so much out. Drinking only what a man sitting in an air-conditioned office needed would have put me in the hospital. Or worse! If you are in a job that drains you, or one of your children is being a real challenge, you may need more of something from your spouse to avoid ending up emotionally exhausted.
All that said, why we need more is irrelevant. A small number of people need more sleep than most people. And if they don’t get that sleep, it harms them. Why they need more does not change the fact they need it. If you, or your spouse, need more touch, affirmation, or conversation than most people, the need is valid and should be met if reasonable possible.
Finally, if your goal is to figure out the minimum and give or ask for that, you are missing the point. Maybe you miscalculated. Perhaps there is a temporary increase in a need. Or your spouse may be underestimating or under-reporting what they need. Giving more than the minimum creates a buffer. It’s also a loving, generous way to treat each other.
~ This is Paul, and meeting needs is Doing Marriage Well.
The grandkids picking strawberries.
Widget is supervising to make sure they don’t get into the blackberries!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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