Podcast: https://bit.ly/4gCOKpP
Today I want to look at some of the more commonly thought-of things we need from our spouse. Tomorrow we will consider some less tangible ones.
A quick, easy list of things we need from our spouse can be found in the five love languages Gary Chapman writes about: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Most folks need all of these to one degree or another. And what we need is not set in stone. My wife has become more and more of a touch person over the last four decades. She didn’t get a lot of touch as a child, and got some bad touch as well, so she had reasons to not want touch. But I was safe, and as she relaxed, she found she needed and wanted touch.
Other times a lack of something growing up causes a greater hunger for it. The man who was never affirmed may feel a very strong need for that from his wife. The woman who never got gifts as a child may be thrilled with any little gift her husband gives her and feel unloved without a steady stream of gifts.
As I said yesterday, why we need as much as we need is irrelevant. If my wife needed a 20-minute backrub every day to feel balanced and loved, she’d get it, no questions asked. I’d plan the time and not wait for her to ask. My wife is the same way with me. I was the kid who never got affirmed, and when Lori realised how her affirming me made me feel, she looked for opportunities to do it.
Can any of this become manipulative? Of course it can. Expecting gifts, especially expensive gifts, could be selfishness. Saying you need a lot of acts of service could be a manipulative way of getting your spouse to do more than their share. And claiming to need touch because you want sex is dishonest. But it’s pretty easy to see when these things are being used in a manipulative way.
Watch how your spouse responds when you give them any of the five love languages. At least a couple will really bless them. They may relax, open up, or become affectionate. When you see this, determine to give them more of the same. Flood them with what feeds them because you love them and they deserve it.
~ This is Paul, and giving abundantly is Doing Marriage Well.
Note: Due to a connection problem, posts for Monday and Tuesday did not email on time. Both were sent yesterday afternoon.
We grew field peas as a test this year to see if they would help us cut our animal feed bill.
The pigs are all about them!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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I get so tired of the important of knowing the why of things downplayed. It’s crucial to relationships, and instead of avoiding it, why not encourage it? We all want to know why. Knowing the why of things is key to engagement, and once we fully understand the ‘why’ of whatever, then we can truly get on board with it. That being said, I’m not condoning the avoidance of doing something for your wife until you understand it, but it shouldn’t be downplayed, either.
The hard part James is that many times you will not be able to understand her why. Her brain works differently than yours and pressuring her to explain it in a way that you understand can increase the disconnection. Sometimes all you can understand is that she sees it differently than you. Maybe you can learn to be curious about how she sees it.