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Many of the things we need from our spouse are more nebulous than the five love languages. And that can make it even more difficult to know if we are getting what we need. For example, we need to feel trusted. But how do you measure that?
I’ve grouped these into loose categories:
Appreciation: We need to feel valued through recognition, thanks, gratitude, and praise. It need not be over the top, but it should be regular. My wife and I regularly thank each other for being sane, or decent, or for acting like an adult. It’s saying, “I see you. I see what you do, and I value it.“
Emotional: We need emotional connection. Having that requires vulnerability, active listening, and being a safe place. Trust and the benefit of the doubt fit here. Doing this one means being okay with tears, anger, grief, and fear.
Intellectual: Most of us have a deep longing to be intellectually connected with our spouse. We want to feel they respect our mind. We want to engage in stimulating discussion and lovingly challenge each other to learn and stretch. We want to learn new things together and learn more about the things we both love.
Share life: I think sharing life is what marriage is all about. It means sharing your spouse’s hobbies by at least having some understanding. It means finding things to explore together. It means wanting to tell your spouse about what happened while you were apart and wanting to hear what happened to them. And sometimes it’s just physical presence: being in the same place without words or activity.
And one more – we need apologies from our spouse. Not just when they were mean or hurtful, we need apologies when they unintentionally hurt us. An apology is not saying “I was wrong” or “It was my fault”. An apology is saying, “I’m sorry you were hurt.” If you’re stingy with apologies, that is hurting your spouse and your marriage.
Think on these things. Which of these feels lacking to you? Can you see any you know you should give to your spouse in a greater way? If you’re feeling brave, discuss these things with your spouse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Seven or eight years ago I dug a trench by hand to keep this area from standing water through June each year.
Redoing it now with a tractor makes for a better trench and way less work!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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