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If you ask one hundred men how their sex drive compares to men their age, probably three-quarters will say their drive is higher than average. This, of course, is a mathematical impossibility.

Part of the reason for this is men don’t usually talk about such things with each other. So we have nothing to compare ourselves to. Another issue is living in a world that denies gender differences. A lot of women claim men and women have the same sex drives. Research says otherwise. If we look at average sex drive for men and women rather than just men, then the majority of men will have a high drive.

What makes this a problem is that most decent men don’t want to mistreat their wife by asking for “too much” sex. He reasons his drive is too high, so he needs to suppress it. Of course this is not really possible. So he asks for less than he wants. That means by the time he does ask, he’s in a bad way. This makes “no” far worse for him. It also means when they do have sex, he is very aroused, and that makes it difficult for him to focus on her pleasure and to hold himself back. Having less sex than he needs makes the sex the couple does have less enjoyable for both of them.

Sometimes a man is angry at his wife for not having sex as often as he wants. But if he’s not asking for as much as he needs, it’s not on her. Some men, I suspect many, masturbate to drain off their desire so they can get by on less sex. But he wants more than an orgasm; he wants sexual intimacy. So this strategy doesn’t work well.

I’ve heard an accusation that men are selfish, asking for “more sex than they need”. How does that make sense? If he had what he needed, if he were satisfied, he wouldn’t ask again until he felt the need. But this idea is out there, and it adds to men’s fear and guilt.

I know most women are tired of hearing “he needs more sex”. But it’s said so often because it’s true and it’s a common marriage problem. A recent study found only 57% of men are satisfied with their sex life. And a large Australian study found that most men living with a woman are having sex no more than half as often as they would like. It’s emotionally painful for the men who struggle with it, and it hurts their marriage even if he is silent about it.

BTW, it’s also emotionally painful for the estimated 25% of women who want more sex than hubby will have with them. A lack of sex is a marriage problem that should be addressed regardless of who wants more. The starting place is the lower drive spouse accepting it’s a problem.

~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well means being generous.

Our first ever seed to fruit tomatoes.

With many more on the way!

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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