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I’m doing an extra post this week because something that has been on my mind more or less fits. I want to talk about arousal non-concordance. Arousal non-concordance means the brain and the genitals are not in sync, with one experiencing arousal while the other is not.
One version of this happens to men regularly. Any time a man has a dream, he gets an erection. So if he wakes during or just after a dream, he is erect. His penis is aroused, but his brain is not (unless his dream was sexual). Being erect may make him think of sex, getting his brain going. Especially if it’s the weekend and morning sex is a thing for him and his wife. On the other hand, if it’s a weekday and he has an important early meeting, he ignores the erection, and it goes away without his mind ever being aroused. This happens often for many men, and it’s not a big deal or a problem.
It’s also possible for the brain to be aroused while the body is not, which we will explore shortly.
Arousal non-concordance can happen when a couple is together, and this can lead to confusion and hurt feelings. The first scenario is when a man finds his wife wet and assumes it means she wants sex. But if her body is aroused and her mind is not, his assumption can go wrong. If he suggests sex and she says no, he may feel hurt; she is aroused and still won’t have sex! If he just goes for it, assuming she is all about it, she may get upset. If she lets him keep going, she may have an orgasm she doesn’t want to have. And yes, guys, that’s a real thing.
A wife can make the same mistake, taking her husband’s erection as an indication he is aroused. If his brain is not aroused and he says no to sex, she may worry he doesn’t desire her, is looking at porn, or is cheating on her. If she wants more sex than he does, his refusal can hurt her just as when the genders are reversed.
The opposite, when the brain is aroused and the body is not, can also cause problems. He does something that gets her going mentally, but when she suggests sex, he finds she is not wet. He thinks maybe she is offering mercy sex. If he tells her she is not aroused, that can cause an argument that kills the moment.
There is a major gender difference here. A man knows when he has an erection. But it’s possible for a woman’s body to be aroused and her not be aware of it. Especially if it’s moderate arousal or she’s not thinking about it. So while both men and women experience arousal non-concordance, men are almost always aware of it, while women may not be. It has been suggested women’s bodies respond with arousal easily to keep them from pain or injury from unwanted sex.
So, how should this information affect your marriage?
First, you both need to understand that arousal non-concordance is a thing. Second, you need to agree that neither erections nor wetness communicate arousal; arousal is communicated by saying you are aroused.
In practical terms, how does this play out? If she says she wants sex, but he doesn’t find her body aroused, using some lube and going slow at first will allow them to do what she wants. This might get her mind going. Or she might orgasm without her brain kicking in until the last moment, if at all. Hubby could say, “Your body is not there yet; how do you want to proceed?” and then go with what she suggests.
On the other side, he should never see her physical arousal as an invitation or an obligation. It makes sense that God would design the generally lower-drive spouse to be easily aroused physically, but what a woman does with that is her choice. She should lean toward generosity, but it’s up to her.
~ This is Paul, and understanding arousal non-concordance helps you Do Sex Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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