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I deal with a lot of folks who are unhappy with each other. Beyond dealing with marriages, we live in community. We love it, but in some ways it’s like a marriage with a dozen folks, each with their own stuff. On top of that, I’m an elder at my church, which means I am aware of and often involved with squabbles that happen there.
Another Paul dealt with the same thing. In Philippians 4:2–3 Paul urges two women to put aside their differences, agree, and work together in the Lord. Apparently these women were leaders in their faith community, and they’d had a falling out. We are all broken, and leaders are not exempt from that. Or from doing things they should not because of their brokenness. Lori and I once tried to help two women in leadership who had been best friends for years deal with a falling out. We couldn’t find anything that justified them being so upset, and in the end they walked away from each other, both devastated by their loss. I hated that they would not mend their relationship.
When I deal with these situations, what I usually see is two broken people both stuck in their fear and pride. This is the case for most “personality clashes” in marriages, friendships, work and church relationships. The issue that triggered the blow-up is rarely important. It’s usually the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And most of the straws are also little things that really don’t matter. The few real issues are so buried in junk the two people can’t see them, much less work on them. That, and usually when it gets ugly, neither person is willing to back down or change.
Sometimes it’s just one person who refuses to see reason or bend. In these relationships there is often a long-standing pattern of the reasonable person giving the benefit of the doubt and letting go of things. If the selfish person does something considerably worse than the norm, the house of cards collapses. The reasonable person can’t let it go, and the unreasonable one is unable to apologise or back down.
All too often, Lori and I find ourselves working with two adults who act like children. They magnify small events, assume motive, and camp on meaningless issues. I’ve heard the same from a slew of therapists, coaches, and leaders. Maybe I was less aware in the past, but I think it’s getting worse. Perhaps it’s a reflection of society as a whole being increasingly rude and divisive.
One would think there would be less of this from folks who follow Jesus. But as the passage I mentioned above shows, it still happens. I’ve actually heard folks use various Bible passages to justify what they are doing. I mean justifying anger, refusing to forgive, and even hatred.
The rest of this week I will look at this more deeply. If this doesn’t apply to your marriage, good for you and your spouse. Odds are it still comes up in your life from time to time. If not you and another person, then two people you know. So this set of posts may be useful well beyond marriage.
Think about the last time you were involved in or witnessed two adults at odds with each other because both were unreasonable and possibly immature. If you were involved, can you see what part you played in perpetuating the issue? Are you the more or less reasonable person in the situation?
~ This is Paul, and the Bible commands us to Do Relationships Well
The harvest continues
Tomatoes, banana peppers, jalapeno peppers, and zucchini
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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