by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 30, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46WYFC2
I was recently on a message board with a fellow who had a very narrow and very negative understanding of Christians. Several people posted evidence-based information to help him see there was more to it, but he rejected every attempt. He had an assumption and was not going to allow facts to change his view.
Most of us have biases and assumptions about the opposite sex. You hear it all the time in phrases such as “Men only want…” and “All women are…” The fact that most men are a certain way doesn’t mean your husband is. The fact that many women feel a certain way doesn’t mean your wife does.
Most of our gender assumptions go back to before we were married. Some came from one of our parents. Others we got from our friends growing up. Media can also play a part. Some of what you have accepted you would reject if it were given to you for the first time now as an adult. When you were young, you were looking for understanding and often accepted what seemed like knowledge without vetting it. You had less experience to help you see other possibilities and possibly peer pressure. Once those assumptions were made, they got locked away. We continue to think such things are valid, even though they were based on no real evidence.
Beyond that, what might have been true for most teenage boys may not be true for adult men. Likewise for teenage girls and women.
Challenging our assumptions is difficult because they are such an integral part of our thinking. It’s like a mathematical constant we’ve learned and don’t question.
One indication you have some wrong assumptions would be regular confusion or frustration between you and your spouse. Perhaps one of you is working with an understanding that is no longer true. Any time you have a disagreement, it’s wise to check your assumptions if you haven’t done so recently.
We can also wrongly assume our spouse is okay with, or willing to put up with, something. Or, perhaps that was true in the past but isn’t now. Or it’s not true under specific circumstances.
Living well with your spouse requires having the right information. Loving your spouse well also requires the right information. Limit assumptions, and check them regularly.
~ This is Paul, and working with wrong ideas gets in the way of Doing Marriage Well.
If you have ever lived on a county-maintained dirt road, you know what a beautiful sight this is.
No more WaShBoArD
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 29, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rKuSGo
Let’s look at some reasons we make assumptions in our marriages.
Assumed Agreement: If you say something and your spouse makes no reply, it’s tempting to assume they agree with you. But they may not. They might not be paying attention to you. They might not agree but feel it’s not worth a potential argument. Ask yourself if it’s safe to disagree with you. Do you argue your point too strongly for your spouse’s liking?
Assumed Consistency: What we think and feel about things changes over time. This can even happen with big deal issues we feel strongly about. We assume our spouse’s thoughts and feelings are unchanged unless they have told us otherwise. Is this a fair assumption? Does your spouse go out of their way to communicate changes? Again, might they not want the likely argument?
Assumption Based on Mood: If your spouse is in a bad mood, you may assume they will not be interested in talking with you or doing something you would like to do with them. You might be right. And you might not. Maybe spending time with you is exactly what they need to shift that mood. And please, do NOT get upset at your spouse because you decided they would say no and never asked.
Insecurity-Based Assumption: Our own fear and doubt can bias our thinking about our spouse, leading to assumptions that are way off base. For example, if your spouse is quiet or distracted, insecurity whispers, “They’re pulling away, they’re tired of me, or I did something wrong.”
Assumed Similarity: This is thinking, “If I were in their shoes, I’d be mad.” But your spouse is a different person, and they may process things differently, faster or slower, or more or less reasonably than you do.
Assuming Intent: I’ve hit this one before, but it’s worth another mention. Assuming your spouse meant for what hurt you to hurt you is a bad plan. Assuming why they do anything is a good way to make a mess.
As I said yesterday, our brains are all about making assumptions. Fighting that can only improve our marriages.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Due to a cool, wet spring, only one of our first plantings of corn came up. And it was late.
It’s not full, but it is an ear of corn, and it was yummy.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 28, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hsGsRL
An assumption is something that you accept as true or take for granted without concrete proof or evidence. ~ Cambridge Dictionary
The truth is our brains tend to prefer assumptions, quick guesses, over long, thought-out decisions. If you’re in danger, a fast decision is more likely to save you than doing nothing while you ponder. But there are situations where a wrong assumption can be disastrous. So while our brains favour them, we need to be wise about where an assumption is okay, and where it’s not.
Marriage is a place where assumptions are more likely to cause problems than work for us. It’s exceptionally common to find a wrong assumption at the root of a fight, problem, or hurt feelings.
If a couple is able to express their thoughts and feelings well and freely, wrong assumptions rarely last and don’t usually cause much harm. This is why being able to communicate is so important. It’s also why having a regular check-in is useful.
When wrong assumptions persist, they tend to grow. An assumption can be like a log that gets stuck between two rocks on opposite sides of a small river. Other things get caught by the log, and eventually a makeshift dam appears. That alone can cause issues, and when it breaks, the surge of water, or emotions, can do damage.
May I suggest you get in the habit of checking every assumption you make about your spouse? A quick “Do you mean…” or “Are you thinking…” could save a lot of frustration – or worse. You can also go after potential assumptions by your spouse. Say something such as, “When I said ABC, did you think XYZ?”
We’ll be digging into this topic all week. I bet you assumed that!
~ This is Paul, and assuming is not Doing Marriage Well.
We had a mass escape, with five turkeys going over the wire and into the garden.
Fortunately they don’t run away like chickens. Got them all home and fixed the hole in the top.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 26, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/when-life-gets-in-the-way-keeping-sex-alive-in-marriage/
There are numerous applications of under-the-circumstances changes we should apply in our sex lives.
How do you and your spouse see sex? If it’s just a way to deal with your physical sex drives, you’re missing out. Sex should be a powerful, intimate way of connecting. Ideally you both see it as one of the important ways you keep your marriage close and loving. If that is how you see it, then being ready to protect it and keep it going is important. If you haven’t discussed how you see sex, I suggest you do so.
Several times this week I talked about doing something in a small way to keep it alive as something you do as a couple. This makes it easy to get back to how it was when the circumstance preventing it have passed. The same is true for sex, and perhaps even more important. We’ve dealt with couples who could not have sex for a time who found it difficult to start back up when they could. Even though both wanted to.
Beyond the mental, use it or lose it is a reality for sexual function, especially as we get older. A couple of studies have suggested that women who have less sex go through menopause earlier, and a lack of sex can cause thinning of tissues of the vulva and atrophy of the vagina. For men, erections keep the penis healthy, and fewer erections can result in less firm erections or full-on ED. For both men and women, getting out of the habit of sex can be the end of sex.
An important issue is how we define sex. It’s not just intercourse, and it need not include either spouse having an orgasm for it to be sex. Just as with other things, it’s important to keep sex alive in some way when you can’t do what you both want to do. That means doing something together, rather than one spouse masturbating in private.
One easy thing to do is fondle each other. Touch breasts and genitals in a loving way. Enjoy touching your spouse, and enjoy being touched. A few minutes of that before going to sleep or upon waking up in the morning is being sexual, and it keeps you in the habit. Of course you can take it further if either of you gets aroused. Do it for your spouse, help them do it, or hug them while they do it.
Intercourse is not just another sex act. Science has shown our bodies react differently to intercourse than to other forms of sex. I think this is also true mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Intercourse is the ultimate act of two becoming one, and it’s important to engage in some form of it when we can. Some form might, on some occasions, mean him in her with little or no movement and no orgasms. In addition to what it will do for both spouses in non-physical ways, it can help their bodies stay functional.
Aside from one of you not being able to have sex, keeping sex alive is also important when you’re too busy for the kind or frequency of sex you want to have. It’s both tempting and easy to take care of yourselves as needed, but this makes sex all about you, and that’s not a good habit to form. Quickies, handjobs, and masturbating together are all better options because each is a couple sex act.
I know couples who set a time limit on how long they will go without having sex. When they hit that limit, they have sex even if neither of them feels like it. And yes, that can happen. They do it because they know it’s important for their marriage, and because they want to remain sexual for the rest of their marriage. This goes back to how we see sex.
Do you see sex as a bonus, or an important lifelong part of your marriage?
~ This is Paul, and the long view helps us Do Sex Well.
Some of our onions
Including a few overachievers!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 25, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hLPCtL
Let’s look at two more ways some couples go against what “everyone does” because their circumstances make it a better choice. Both of these will get you criticised or looked down on. One by church folks, the other by the world.
Mr. Mom: I have several male friends who stayed home with kids while their wives earned money. For each couple, this was the best choice for multiple years. One of these guys was a cop, so it’s not like he was a “sissy” or unwilling to work. In another instance, the husband was recovering from a significant medical issue that made him impossible to employ in his field. The kids were young, but old enough they didn’t push him past what he could do physically.
The struggle here is the idea that the husband is supposed to provide for his family and the wrong thinking that a man staying at home with the kids is not doing that. My thinking is a real man does what is best for his family, even if that is unusual or looked down on.
BTW, all these men told me caring for the kids was the hardest job they ever had. Stay-at-home parents rock!
Less Is More: We live in a consumer society. Many people judge success, happiness, worth, and value by the material possessions someone has. Judging people this way is contrary to the Bible. What’s more, pursuing great wealth is not advocated by Jesus or any New Testament writer. But we’re influenced by the cultural waters in which we swim, and few of us are free of this mindset.
The problem is more stuff requires more money. And more money requires working more hours. I realise some couples could not provide a minimal, safe life for their kids if only one of them worked full time. But for many couples where both work full time, it’s about having more or better, not what is necessary. Likewise for some of the parents who work both a full-time and a part-time job, or who takes every minute of overtime they can get.
Usually the issue is living beyond our means, which is a cultural obsession in the US. Living in a small simple place in a safe neighbourhood isn’t enough. We need bigger and better. We need more things, better vacations, and all the toys. I’m not opposed to any of those things, but we need to understand the cost of having them. Not the price tag cost, but the time cost. Might our kids be better off having us home every evening? Would more time with us all year be better for them than a week with us on a fantastic vacation? Would being able to make their games and recitals bless them more than a new gaming system?
All of these questions should also be asked about time with your spouse. Is “a better life” worth more time together? What would your spouse say if you asked them that question?
Where are you doing what everyone does because that’s how it’s done? Would your kids and/or marriage benefit from you bucking the trend and doing it differently?
~ This is Paul, and following your culture may not be Doing Marriage Well.
The pigs are in their new enclosure.
And having their first batch of sunflowers.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 24, 2026 | Circumstances
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4y1CTs5
Years ago Lori and I cared for my mom in her home with the help of hospice. We thought it would be one to four months. It was nine. Neither of us is sorry we did it, but it was difficult. We went into it determined it was not going to hurt our marriage, and we managed that well.
A big issue was making time for us. Mom was bedridden but needed things through the day. We could never guarantee half an hour uninterrupted. However, she was sleeping long hours and never needed help overnight. So we hit on a plan.
After she watched the ten o’clock news, we tucked her in, and then it was us time. We’d spend a couple of hours together, unwinding and staying connected. This meant we were late getting up but still got up before mom. I was self-employed doing landscape and irrigation and was able to shift my work time. So it was an odd schedule, but it was a good thing for us under the circumstances.
We got some grief from the “early to bed, early to rise” crowd. And it did mean I wasn’t able to work in the cool part of the day, or ever finish before the worst heat. But I felt my marriage was more important.
When you do things in an unusual way, you will get pushback. Some of it comes from well-meaning folks who assume what works for most people should work for you. Telling such people about your circumstances might talk them down; or it might not. Others will tell you that you are wrong. There is a right way to do it, and your way is not right. These folks don’t care about your circumstances. And these folks may hint, if not outright claim, that the way they think you should do it is God’s way. Not that they can show you a scripture to support that; it’s just one of those things “every good Christian knows“.
I want to encourage you to put your spouse and your marriage ahead of folks who think they know better. Tell them kindly, ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’ If they don’t back off, tell them less kindly to drop it. Let them walk away muttering; their opinions aren’t your problem unless you allow them to be.
It’s your job to figure out how to do your marriage well, and that includes making changes to accommodate circumstances. If someone thinks you’re doing your marriage wrong, let them. Unusual circumstances can call for unusual solutions.
And yes, there are things that are wrong or always a bad idea. But that list is not nearly as long as some try to make it.
~ This is Paul, and a lot of folks told Jesus He was doing it wrong
Yet Another Sunset
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