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If you find yourself in an ongoing disruption with your spouse or someone else, and there seems to be no way to fix it, the first thing to ask yourself is how much of it is you? Are you being selfish or petty? Are you standing your ground out of pride? Are you afraid doing what you know you should do will cost you? Are you stuck on what you think you deserve from the other person? Are you making assumptions about the other person?
Let’s look at each of these in turn:
Selfish: When we get hurt, we become more selfish. With physical hurts this is a good thing, as it can help us to avoid making the injury worse. This can also be true for emotional injuries, but we often go too far or keep doing it too long. If you think you’re protecting yourself, ask what you’re protecting yourself from. Is it real or imaginary? Have you exaggerated it? Are you worried about a hypothetical? And finally, is it something God tells us to take for the sake of relationship? (See 1 Cor 13:4-7)
Petty: This goes back to, ‘Are you exaggerating something?’ Or are you assigning greater importance than is valid? Are you holding a longstanding relationship hostage to something small that shouldn’t matter in the larger context?
Pride: This is the big one, and it’s what kills relationships. We don’t feel properly valued by the other person. Pride can keep us from apologising. Pride makes us difficult and unreasonable. It can cause us to wait for the other person to go first. Pride is building a wall and expecting the other person to climb it to get to us.
Doing what’s right will cost you: The truth is doing what is right does sometimes cost us. But we still do it because it’s right. Is the relationship worth that? Is the other person worth that?
What you think you deserve: This is usually an extension of pride. You think they were more wrong, so they need to start the reconciliation process. You don’t think their apology or attempt to reconcile was enough, so you reject it or wait for them to do better. Your imperfect perception becomes what prevents healing.
Making assumptions about the other person: I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard “S/he meant to hurt me.” You can’t know that. You can’t know what they were feeling or thinking, and you can’t know that what you heard is what they wanted to communicate. We also assume indifference, saying “She doesn’t care” or “I don’t matter to him.”
If you see any of these on your part, please own them. Change and apologise as needed. Ask God for help with that if it’s a struggle.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Relationships Well can be difficult.
I’m trying to clean out a trench…
…and Widget is helping.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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