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Let’s talk about the art of apologising. It is, sadly, an art that some didn’t learn growing up. I’ve seen supposed apologies make things far worse.
As I’ve said before, apologising doesn’t mean you were wrong. It doesn’t mean the problem is all your fault. It means you’re sorry the other person got hurt. If you see an apology as more than that, it becomes far more difficult to do it. If the other person sees an apology as an admission of some sort that doesn’t let you off the hook. If necessary, you can clarify what, if anything, you are owning and what you are not.
If your apologies don’t tend to make things better, or often make the situation worse, please read the rest of this post several times.
Every situation is different, but there are things usually found in a good apology and some things not found in a good apology. Much of this is for when you violated the other in some way, but some apply even if you did not.
- Don’t Delay: You need time to calm down and think clearly. But delaying an apology allows the hurt to grow. An otherwise great apology will do little if you wait too long.
- Take Ownership: If you did something wrong, admit it. Don’t blame it on the other person’s feelings or explain why what you did was because of what they did. If you were both wrong, own your part, and don’t mention their part.
- Acknowledge Impact: If there was harm done, be it physical, property, emotional or relational, don’t dodge or downplay that.
- Validate Feelings: Even if it was a misunderstanding, hurt feelings still hurt. Don’t suggest they are too sensitive or played the martyr.
- Offer Recompense: If you broke or damaged something, how are you going to make it right?
- Offer a Plan: If appropriate, explain how you are going to avoid doing it again. This would be good for things like hurting your spouse with gossip or using porn.
- Avoid Explaining: Explanations weaken apologies, and justification destroys them. We want to defend ourselves, but doing so is one of the most common apology mistakes.
- Avoid Minimising: Don’t hint they overreacted, and don’t question their emotions.
- Avoid Expectations: It’s nice if you get an immediate acceptance and release. But you don’t get to dictate or demand that. It may take time, especially if there was a breaking of trust or the same thing has happened multiple times. Don’t expect an apology to make it all okay, and don’t pretend it has.
- No Tacking On: One of the worst things you can do is use an apology as an excuse to air grievances or discuss the feelings the situation brought up in you.
- Less is More: Short and sweet is best.
A prompt, well-done apology is a powerful tool for healing and restoration. Learn how to wield that tool well.
~ This is Paul, and knowing how to apologise is Doing Live Well.
D’Argo guarding the flock.
I’m okay, but he charges Widget when she gets too close to the fence.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
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