Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UBzJgy
I had not planned to do a sex application this week. But as I wrote through the apology post, I realised I needed to discuss how the things I’ve discussed this week apply to infidelity.
I’m going to cast a wide net here for infidelity, including porn use and emotional affairs. If you think either of those is not a violation of the marriage bed, I’d ask you to seek God on that.
As you might suspect, Lori and I have dealt with a lot of folks dealing with infidelity. And we’ve heard a lot of justification and excuses, none of which was being accepted by the wronged spouse.
So let’s run through a few things:
- We Didn’t Have Sex: I’ve heard far too many men say this. Men tend to focus on sex, but women look more at relationships. Most women would be less upset by a one-off with a prostitute than months of an emotional affair.
- It’s Just Pictures: She doesn’t feel that way, sir. You’re not going to convince her it was not a violation, and trying to do so will get in the way of healing and restoration.
- You Made Me Do It: Yes, we can push our spouse to temptation. And the Bible says we will be held accountable for doing that. But the choice to sin is still ours, and we need to fully own it.
- Ending Contact: It is entirely understandable for your spouse to want you to never again see the person you cheated with. If that means changing divisions or jobs, then you do that. Ideally you will do it without your spouse saying anything.
- You Owe Them Information: Some folks don’t want to know anything. Others want all the details. This may or may not be good for them, but it’s not your call. If your spouse has a vivid imagination, what they imagine you did will be far worse than what you did.
- Healing Takes Time: Sex is intimate and personal, and that makes sexual sin hurt more than other violations. Forgiving you doesn’t magically make it okay. Most couples should get help working through infidelity.
- Fixing Sex Will Be Difficult: This is an extension of the above. When they try to have sex with you, they will think about what you did. They might be enjoying sex, then a thought of you with the other person crashes in, and they suddenly don’t want you touching them. Initially you should graciously accept this as part of the cost of what you did. If it doesn’t start to get better after a few months, get help.
- Fixing Trust Happens Slowly: If you cheated, your spouse will be suspicious when you come home late. If it was porn, they will worry about you doing it again. This is natural, and since you have violated their trust, it’s on you. Getting upset about this will only make things worse. If you walk the straight and narrow for six months and your spouse is still paranoid all the time, they may need to get help for that. But them getting past it slower than you think they should is not something you should bring up.
Let me close with an example of amazing grace and forgiveness in the face of sexual betrayal. We met a pastor and his wife. The pastor had realised he needed to confess his porn habit to her. She cried. He made promises. She forgave him. And then, she took him to bed and made love with him. Afterwards she told him, “I know we can get through this, and I know you can beat the porn.” The pastor told me what she did made him feel deeply loved and horribly ashamed of what he had done to her. Her actions also made it much easier for him to stay clean. I’d also note that she was able to do what she did because her husband owned what he did and apologised well.
I’m not saying everyone should do what this woman did. Some could not, and some should not. But it is an example of the power of grace and forgiveness.
~ This is Paul, and sexual sin is a marriage crisis.
Making zucchini brownies
Both the best and the healthiest brownies you will ever eat!
Zucchini Brownies
INGREDIENTS
• ½ cup oil (olive works well)
• 1½ cups granulated sugar
• 1 TBS vanilla extract
• ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1½ tsp baking soda
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 cups all-purpose flour
• 3 cups finely shredded zucchini (with liquid)
• 1¼ cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided
DIRECTIONS
• Preheat oven to 350°F
• Line 9×13 pan with parament paper.
• Mix oil, sugar, and vanilla together in a large bowl with a wood spoon or rubber scrapper.
• Add cocoa, baking soda, and salt and mix to combine.
• Stir in flour. Batter will be very dry.
• Stir in zucchini and allow to rest for 5 minutes so the dry ingredients pull moisture from the zucchini. If it’s still dry after 5 minutes, go a bit longer.
• Stir in ¾ cup of the chocolate chips.
• Spread into the pan, top with remaining chocolate chips, and bake for 25-35 minutes. A toothpick should come out dry.
• Cool before cutting.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
