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As I said, sometimes adulting means doing hard things. Let me start with an example beyond what most of us will ever face.

When we travelled by RV, we met a couple I’ll call Jack and Jill. Jill has a mental problem that she refused to get help for. Jill reached a place where it was not safe for her to be around their young children. Jack got a restraining order to protect them. She moved out of the house and soon became homeless. Jack went to see her from time to time, and offered help, but with expectations. Eventually Jill decided she wanted a better life. She got help, and became sane and safe. The restraining order was removed, and she came home. When we met them, she’d been home several years. Life was not perfect, but they had a functional marriage and family.

I can’t imagine how hard it was for Jack to do the adult thing. I know he got flack from some of his friends, including some at church. But he knew he had to keep his kids safe, and he understood what doing that would take. It’s great his actions precipitated a good outcome, but he did what he did not knowing if that would happen.

As I said, few of us will ever face something this difficult. But there are other hard choices for many.

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions to protect our children. Or our spouse. Or ourselves. Let’s briefly consider a few:

Mental Health: Some in the church still reject the idea we could need this kind of help, but Jill is a powerful proof to the contrary. The idea that mental health issues are about a lack of faith, or that you just need to pray more, is, frankly, insulting. If you would seek a doctor for a broken leg, why not a broken mind? If you would use drugs to deal with cancer, why not use them to deal with the brain being out of whack chemically?

Because of the stigma, some folks who need mental help don’t seek it. The adult thing is to get the help you need. And to push your spouse to do that if they need such help.

Addictions: Addictions destroy us and those around us. Getting help is the adult thing to do. Unfortunately most folks in the grips of an addiction are not in an adult mindset. If that’s the case, then their spouse may need to step up. Push. Get others involved. If nothing else works, give an ultimatum. This is about you, but it’s also about your spouse. They need to get free so they can live and enjoy life.

Drugs and alcohol are the first addictions we think of. This can include legal drugs and even over-the-counter ones. Gambling is an addiction that can destroy a marriage and a life. Shopping addiction is scoffed at, but it’s a real thing. It can lead to financial ruin, which is no joke. I shy away from calling porn use an addiction, but if it’s making a mess of your marriage, hurting your job performance, or destroying your life, it needs to be treated.

Shame can keep folks from dealing with addictions. Admitting your problem to a group of friends helps deal with the shame. An intervention can do the same thing, if it’s done well. AA-type groups can be very helpful for addictions. Celebrate Recovery is along these lines but is Christian-based. I know several folks who say CR saved their marriage and/or their life. CR also has resources for the spouse of the one addicted.

Not Adulting: The individual who won’t get a job, or bounces from job to job, is failing to adult. Refusing to do anything around the home, or to care for the children, are other examples. Refusing to deal with an abusive parent who attacks your spouse or hurts your children is another. Refusing to adult is not okay, and needs to be treated like any other destructive behaviour. In one of his letters to Timothy, Paul says those who do not care for their household have denied the faith. Ongoing failure to adult with spouse or family is a big deal to God.

If you are facing one of these things in your spouse, I suggest you get help before you take action. Seek medical or legal help as needed.

~ This is Paul, and Adulting Well can be difficult and painful at times.

Third decent rain in a week.

Got through another fire season!

Image Credits: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & © © Paul H Byerly
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