Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xfqxfu
Today I want to look at a few common failures to adult in marriages.
Avoiding Hard Talks: No one enjoys having a difficult discussion. But situations that require hard talks don’t get better on their own. Usually ignoring them makes them far worse.
It’s fair to say you need a bit of time. Some folks process slowly. And sometimes we need to work through our emotions. But when a bit of time becomes days and then weeks, our reasons for not having the needed talk stop mattering. Avoiding hard talks is saying, “I don’t care about you, or our relationship, enough to deal with this.“
The Blame Game: Blaming your spouse can be based on the idea that the best defence is a good offence. Some folks go out of their way to blame things on their spouse to keep them off balance. Another version of this is always having something they did wrong at the ready to counter being accused of something.
Blame Avoidance: This is pushing back on the suggestion you did anything wrong. Or having endless reasons or excuses. This also results in refusing to apologise. Others do this by minimising any wrong they commit, while possibly exaggerating their spouse’s wrongs. Another version is the “It wasn’t my job” excuse. Deut 22:4 says, “You shall not see your brother’s donkey or his ox fallen down by the way and ignore them. You shall help him to lift them up again.” According to God, if you see a need, it’s your job to take care of it.
Throwing Tantrums: Tantrums are about as unadult as you can get, but some folks who are adults by age do it. Tantrums are a tactic. They make the other person sorry they mentioned whatever so they will drop it. The person who does this often can end a discussion by just hinting they are about to go into a tantrum. Tantrums can be a holdover from childhood or caused by an underlying mental health issue, but regardless of why they happen, they are unacceptable.
The way to deal with a tantrum is to walk away. However, if the goal was to get you to drop whatever, then the tantrum has worked. Tell your spouse they need to stop throwing tantrums. Tell them if they don’t; you will go for help. Suggesting you will get help from church might be effective if they wish to avoid their behaviour being known. Or seek the help of a therapist.
Avoidance: I already mentioned avoiding hard talks. General avoidance is not engaging, or only engaging when you want to. It’s easy to get hung up on what our spouse uses to avoid us: gaming, YouTube, or busyness, for example. But these things are not the problem; they are the tool used to avoid connection. Don’t get focused on the tool. Deal with the avoidance and its effects. Don’t say, “I need you to spend less time doing whatever.” Say, “I need you to spend more time with me.” This puts the focus on the real issue.
It is fair to expect our spouses to act like adults and fair to call them out on it when they don’t. Of course there needs to be grace, especially when they are having a difficult time.
~ This is Paul, and you have to be an adult to Do Marriage Well.
One of the great things about living in the Northwest is that eggnog season lasts five months!
Saw this at Costco today and got some. Love a splash of eggnog in our morning coffee.
Image Credits: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & © Paul H Byerly
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