Podcast: https://bit.ly/3T3NG6i
Being an adult means stepping up and doing what needs to be done because it needs to be done. It means taking responsibility for your words and your actions and managing your own life. In marriage and family, it means stepping up when your spouse fails to do so. It means carrying the extra load. And it means doing that without complaining or expecting thanks.
We all have times when we can’t do what we should. Perhaps we’re sick. Or emotionally empty. We may be in a busy season, or dealing with loss and grief. When we’re in these places, the adult thing to do is to take care of ourselves. But we also have to consider the needs of our spouse and family.
When each spouse is quick to step in when the other can’t do all they normally do, it’s not a problem. If one does this and the other not so much, that can lead to resentment. Ideally you are able to talk about this as you go through it. Among other things, please reassure your spouse when you have to pick up the slack. No guilt trips or expectations; be all “I got this, and I got you.“
Sometimes being an adult in your marriage means realising your spouse is in over their head and unable to see or admit that. I tend to keep going and giving until I am completely empty. This is a combination of my personality and being taught to downplay my needs and see others as more important. I’ve only gotten there a few times in our marriage, but it’s a bad place to be. Lori is getting better at feeling it and suggesting I back off. Sometimes we don’t judge ourselves well, and if our spouse sees us more clearly, they can save us a lot of trouble.
When you have to carry extra weight because your spouse cannot, it’s not your job to tell them they need to get over it. If you do this, you can cause long-lasting harm to them and to your marriage. Especially if you misjudge. It is, however, your job to say, “I’m doing too much“. This lets your spouse know they need to pick up whatever they can. Do be sure the motivation is “I can’t“, not “I want you to do more.” Or perhaps you need to discuss what can be let go for the difficult season.
Doing extra when your spouse is overwhelmed is sacrificial love, which is something the Lord calls us to. When we do it right, it can have an amazing, lasting impact on our marriages. Difficult times are no fun, but they can make us better people and can result in stronger, better marriages. For those who love God, all things work together for good.
Note: If one spouse chronically exploits the other’s willingness to sacrifice, that is an issue which needs to be addressed. A third party can help you see if that is happening.
~ This is Paul, and carrying your spouse is Doing Marriage Very Well.
Going to get some green beans soon!
Calling this method a success.
Image Credits: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & © © Paul H Byerly
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