Podcast: https://bit.ly/3VbcJVP

I could go a lot of ways to talk about adulting in your marriage bed. I could talk about not seeking sex when your spouse has had a hard day. I could talk about offering your spouse sex when you’ve had a hard day. But I’m going to land on when you are separated or your spouse can’t.

While sex in marriage is a couple thing, sex drive is not. Most men, and many women, continue to have their normal sex drive regardless of what their spouse is going through or if they are apart. Think of it like this: some of us lose our appetite when our spouse is struggling, and some don’t. I wish my sex drive cut out when my wife was sick, stressed, or otherwise unable. But that’s not how God made me.

If your sex drive is still going strong when you’re apart or your spouse is unable to have sex, do you just cross your legs and try not to think about it? I don’t think running around aroused is wise. It’s annoying, distracting, and can put us in a place of temptation. All of this is also true when we are separated for a few days or longer.

Yes, I am going to suggest DIY release of sexual tension. I think it’s the adult thing to do.

If your spouse is going to be away from you, slip a sex toy or a bottle of lube in their suitcase along with a note that says “Think of me.” Or leave such a gift on their pillow at home. Even better, arrange to call each other for a bit of phone sex.

As for not being able to have sex, some take a very legalistic stand on 1 Cor 7:5, a stand which is devoid of love, caring, and grace. There will be times when it’s not reasonable to expect your spouse to be willing or able to be sexual. And as I’ve said about other things this week, it’s not your job to judge if they are right about that. If she says, “I can’t“, then you accept she can’t. Likewise if he says he can’t. If that happens a great deal apart from illness, chronic pain, or a season of crazy, then you need to have a discussion. But most of the time you should accept that they can’t, and ask what you can do for them to make things easier.

If your spouse is unable, would they rather you take care of yourself in bed next to them, or apart from them? Aside from the other things I mentioned, doing this means you’re not like a vulture waiting for your spouse to be good enough to take care of you. I suggest you have a discussion about this before you’re in the situation. Work through any concerns and come up with a plan.

BTW, if you’re the unable spouse, you can make it easier by touching your spouse to arouse them, and then asking them to finish what you started. This can also open the way for some emotional intimacy.

A personal request: Lori has been struggling with her health for a couple of months. We finally have an appointment with a specialist, three weeks from now. She is in pretty much constant discomfort and far worse. It’s really weighing on her mentally and emotionally. She asked me to ask y’all for your prayers.

~ This is Paul, and I’ve had ample opportunity to work on my Adulting recently.

Good night, Eatern Washington

Thanks for another lovely day.

Image Credits: First © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second © Paul H Byerly
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