Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xUMd1r
The danger of perfectionism is that the relentless pursuit of impossible standards severely harms mental health, stunts personal growth, and paralyzes productivity.
That’s a Google AI summation of various articles on the dangers of perfectionism. I’ve known full-on perfectionists who were all of that and more. They had scary family dynamics, doing anything they could to hide any imperfection or problem in the family. They would lie, and got angry if their spouse and children didn’t do the same. One husband complained the plastic slip covers were removed as company pulled up, and put back on as soon as they left the house. He felt his marriage was also kept in a slip cover.
That level of perfectionism crosses into a mental health issue and is not common. But a somewhat lower level of perfectionism is all too common and destructive to individuals, marriages, and families.
One cause of perfectionism is growing up with a parent or parents who had unrealistic expectations. This often manifests as only showing affection or attention when the child succeeds. This creates a desperate chase for something that may not be reachable and certainly can’t be achieved in a sane, healthy way. Some folks are still trying to meet mom’s or dad’s standard years or decades later. Some react by putting unhealthy high standards on their spouse, and withhold affection when the standard isn’t met.
Other folks reject their parent’s crazy expectations. This might lead to sane standards for one’s self. But it can also result in not trying, or being okay with doing far less than they could and should. Those who rejected their parents’ too-high standards won’t react well to a spouse trying to set standards, even if what the spouse wants is reasonable. If you were pushed with perfectionism and pushed back, ask yourself if you are still pushing back out of habit. Have you ever said, “You’re not the boss of me?” Do you feel it even though you don’t say it?
In most marriages, one spouse wants certain things done to a higher standard than the other. And usually both have areas where their standard is higher. This can be a major battleground for couples.
Is your spouse’s standard higher than yours, or is it unreasonably high? Is what they want possible without killing yourself? Is it just more than you want, or unfair to ask?
If you both have places with higher standards, then with some give and take, you can make it work. If one of you has higher standards about most things, that will take some negotiation. Decide which of those things you really need done to your standard, and which you can live with done to a lower standard. There certainly should be some sacrifice here, but too much of that will become a problem long term.
All of this may require some third-party help. Determining reasonable is difficult if you’ve never known it!
~ This is Paul, and Widget gives a hard no to slipcovers
Fresh eggs. Keeping four adults and four kids in eggs.
Our turkey is still lying eggs, well past the season for it. Was her mother a perfectionist?
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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