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Perfectionism is a real sex killer.

Even if you got decent sex education, when you first had sex, there was a lot of unknown that could only be resolved with trial and error. I’ve heard a few folks say first sex was good for both of them, but it’s the exception. Most couples are not warned about the things that likely won’t go right at first, and high expectations can make what would be okay sex seem like a failure.

Where we get our expectations is also a major factor. If either spouse thinks porn is at all realistic, they are in for disappointment. Likewise, if the woman has fed on a diet of romance novels. Expecting your spouse to be like the people in media creates something they will never live up to.

Perfectionism can hurt a couple’s sex life well past the early days. Some women who don’t orgasm early on assume they are broken and accept that rather than talking about it and finding a fix. This is especially likely for women who have wrongly been told all women can and should orgasm from intercourse. Other women feel like a failure because they only have one orgasm at a time (like most women) or don’t squirt (most women don’t).

For men it’s about erections. Men get worried when they get past thirty and are no longer fully erect and ready to go at the drop of a panty. They fear a normal change means there is something wrong with them. The wife who notices this change may assume her husband is no longer attracted to her. Full-on ED is even worse. Some men are so ashamed they stop having sex with their wife, resorting to masturbation instead. They would like to have sex with their wife but can’t deal with not being able to do it “right”.

Both men and women get caught up in the lie that women orgasm quickly and easily. Most do that on occasion, and a few do so most of the time, but the majority of women need far more time than media portrays. This leads to disappointment, bad sex, and possibly trying to fix something that isn’t broken.

Sex should be a journey, not a destination. It will be ever-changing, and there are always new things to explore if you’re both willing. Relax your expectations, get rid of that list of shoulds, and enjoy real sex with your wonderful spouse. A good starting place is working to be able to discuss sex openly as a couple.

~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple, and for every season of life.

Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana
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