Podcast: https://paulb5d.podbean.com/e/when-life-gets-in-the-way-keeping-sex-alive-in-marriage/

There are numerous applications of under-the-circumstances changes we should apply in our sex lives.

How do you and your spouse see sex? If it’s just a way to deal with your physical sex drives, you’re missing out. Sex should be a powerful, intimate way of connecting. Ideally you both see it as one of the important ways you keep your marriage close and loving. If that is how you see it, then being ready to protect it and keep it going is important. If you haven’t discussed how you see sex, I suggest you do so.

Several times this week I talked about doing something in a small way to keep it alive as something you do as a couple. This makes it easy to get back to how it was when the circumstance preventing it have passed. The same is true for sex, and perhaps even more important. We’ve dealt with couples who could not have sex for a time who found it difficult to start back up when they could. Even though both wanted to.

Beyond the mental, use it or lose it is a reality for sexual function, especially as we get older. A couple of studies have suggested that women who have less sex go through menopause earlier, and a lack of sex can cause thinning of tissues of the vulva and atrophy of the vagina. For men, erections keep the penis healthy, and fewer erections can result in less firm erections or full-on ED. For both men and women, getting out of the habit of sex can be the end of sex.

An important issue is how we define sex. It’s not just intercourse, and it need not include either spouse having an orgasm for it to be sex. Just as with other things, it’s important to keep sex alive in some way when you can’t do what you both want to do. That means doing something together, rather than one spouse masturbating in private.

One easy thing to do is fondle each other. Touch breasts and genitals in a loving way. Enjoy touching your spouse, and enjoy being touched. A few minutes of that before going to sleep or upon waking up in the morning is being sexual, and it keeps you in the habit. Of course you can take it further if either of you gets aroused. Do it for your spouse, help them do it, or hug them while they do it.

Intercourse is not just another sex act. Science has shown our bodies react differently to intercourse than to other forms of sex. I think this is also true mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Intercourse is the ultimate act of two becoming one, and it’s important to engage in some form of it when we can. Some form might, on some occasions, mean him in her with little or no movement and no orgasms. In addition to what it will do for both spouses in non-physical ways, it can help their bodies stay functional.

Aside from one of you not being able to have sex, keeping sex alive is also important when you’re too busy for the kind or frequency of sex you want to have. It’s both tempting and easy to take care of yourselves as needed, but this makes sex all about you, and that’s not a good habit to form. Quickies, handjobs, and masturbating together are all better options because each is a couple sex act.

I know couples who set a time limit on how long they will go without having sex. When they hit that limit, they have sex even if neither of them feels like it. And yes, that can happen. They do it because they know it’s important for their marriage, and because they want to remain sexual for the rest of their marriage. This goes back to how we see sex.

Do you see sex as a bonus, or an important lifelong part of your marriage?

~ This is Paul, and the long view helps us Do Sex Well.

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