by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 21, 2026 | Be Nice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4sfnpzf
Part of being nice to your spouse boils down to applying common courtesy.
It has been noted that in modern society, common courtesy is not so common. After three plus decades of working with couples, I can say it’s also not nearly as common in marriage as it should be. And sometimes that is true for folks who honestly love each other. All too often, familiarity breeds taking each other for granted. You know your spouse loves you. You know they understand your current stress. You know they will overlook minor slights. And all of that makes it too easy to not give the most important person in your life things you do for others.
As I run through a list of things I consider common courtesy in marriage, ask yourself the last time you fell short on each of them. This is intended to be informational, not condemning, so give yourself grace.
- Say “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, and “excuse me”. ALL. THE. TIME.
- When you’re grumpy or short, admit as much and apologise. Then do better.
- Say “I love you” first or almost first thing in the morning, and last thing each night.
- Greet your spouse warmly when you come home, and kiss them goodbye when you part.
- Look at your spouse when they are talking to you and let them finish sentences without interrupting.
- Let them finish their own stories. Even though you have heard it a thousand times.
- Show up on time when you are meeting them. If you’re not going to be on time, let your spouse know as early as possible. Note, if you are routinely late, that’s a choice.
- Share your schedule with your spouse. Not just what directly impacts them – share everything.
- Keep shared spaces reasonably tidy.
- Be aware of any noise you’re making. Try to find the best times for loud or irritating noises.
- Use headphones.
- Teach your children to do these things with your spouse.
- Expect your parents to show your spouse courtesy.
You find a few you need to work on? Go for it!
~ This is Paul, and common courtesy can lead to an uncommonly Well Done Marriage.
We’ve not had the usual fall rain, and the pond is now a puddle.
Widge is very sad.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 20, 2026 | Be Nice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4snTzIT
I love my wife. Because I love her, I want to do everything in my power to make her life better. Recently that has meant rubbing her back when she is in pain. In better times there are far more ways I can bless her.
I suppose all of this collides with our human tendency to be selfish. But we can choose to set aside our selfishness and make being kind and loving to our spouse our default. I say this because it’s what Lori has done with me, and what I have done with her. I happen to think God wants us to do this, but honestly that’s not why I do it. I do it because I love my wife, and it seems an obvious and necessary choice based on that.
Let me give you an example of how this can play out. Today I learned my wife hates it when people drink from a bowl. I do that occasionally at home. She has never complained because it doesn’t bother her enough to have spoken up. But having learned it bothers her, I will make a point to never again do it in front of her.
What if she had said, “It really bothers me when you drink the last of your soup out of your bowl“? A part of me would probably have thought that’s her problem. Or I might have felt she was trying to control me. But if I was all about not doing it when she didn’t ask me to stop, shouldn’t I be willing to do the same if she did ask? My motivation, for both scenarios, should be, ‘How can I make life better for my wife?‘
Some folks have a problem with this because they fear being used by their spouse. But here’s the thing: if I set the parameters, she can’t use me. It’s almost never been an issue with Lori, but there are lines. If she hit those lines often, I’d hold to them. The danger is moving a line because of what my wife does. If she pushes a line, my natural reaction is to move the line to protect myself or punish her selfishness. If I don’t think about and fight that tendency, it will almost certainly happen. And that can quickly become a vicious cycle that can do great harm to our marriage.
Yeah, this does require a good deal of putting her first. But if I love her, so shouldn’t I be all about doing that? And if I am following Jesus, hasn’t He called me to do that?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well means going above and beyond to make life better for your spouse.
When you get a new bone, you retire to your kennel…
…and destroy it!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 19, 2026 | Be Nice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4dMPwQo
Of late I’ve had some online discussions with a few incels. If you’re unaware, ‘incel’ stands for INvoluntarily CELibate. The term has come to be used primarily by young men who say they can’t get a woman because society is rigged to favour rich and handsome men. Rather than viewing their situation as something they can change, they blame feminism, society, and women themselves. They become something that scares away a woman with a clue.
I have suggested to these guys that if they treated women like people and were kind and decent to them, they would find a woman who wants to be with them. I’m told this does not work. I explain it’s why I’m married, and I’m told I’m a lucky anomaly. Nothing anyone says will change their minds. The trap of external blame tells them they drew a short straw, and that’s that.
Sometimes husbands and wives fall into the exact same trap, blaming their spouse, kids, work, or “the routine” for their dissatisfaction rather than looking at what they can control.
I’ve always tried to find some part of a problem that I can change. If I can change anything about it, then I have the power to change the situation. I have applied this to my marriage and encouraged others to do the same. And I’ve seen some amazing changes happen.
I do want you to consider that concept. If there is something you dislike about your relationship with your spouse, what could you change? Where do you have the power to change the situation?
Beyond that, I want to discuss the idea of being kind and decent to our spouses. It should be our default setting, but as life gets busy and hectic, we can slip. If our relationship is not what we would like, we may stop doing what we should for our spouse. Perhaps we have unconsciously decided being nice is not providing a good return on investment. “I won’t be warm until they change first” poisons a marriage. Kindness is proactive, not conditional.
I will look at some ways being kind and decent should play out in our relationship. I hope you will examine yourself as I do this and be honest with yourself about places where you may be falling short.
~ This is Paul, and kindness is the start of Doing Marriage Well.
I always get a kick out of “Mary’s Place”, which is surrounded by the hospital where Lori had her surgery done. This is the coach house of a large home built in 1906, before the hospital was there. The hospital tried to buy the home multiple times, but Mary was having none of it, and they built around the home. When decedents finally sold it to a company that does parking, there was an effort to make it a historical site. That failed, but the city refused to change the zoning, meaning the final plan had to include a residence. So the coach house was turned into housing for travelling nurses.
As for Lori, the surgery went very well. She is dealing with post-op pain and discomfort, but the issue that sent her for surgery has been resolved. Thanks for all your prayers!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 17, 2026 | WayBack
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47qC6G5
Our final Way Back post is rather racy. Tease Him Till He Begs was a huge hit with the ladies reading The XY Code.
So, from May 27, 2016:
Most men enjoy being sexually teased, as long as you know when to move from teasing to pleasing. Some women enjoy teasing too, but many don’t, and those women are unlikely to provide the sexual teasing their man would like.
Sexual teasing falls into two categories. The first is arousal teasing; the second is stimulation teasing. Every man has a limit for each of these. Usually, if his limit for one is high or low, the other is about the same, but there are exceptions. The reason men like to be teased sexually is it makes sex bigger and better. Arousing him in bits and pieces all day long makes sex an all day thing, and it builds him up for a much better climax. Prolonged stimulation also makes sex last longer and can make it much better for him.
Arousal Teasing:
- Visual teasing is the obvious form of arousal teasing. This could be a quick flash, an extra button or two undone, or spending the evening nude or nearly nude. Removing one item of clothing at a time over an hour or more is a great way to go. You can also use mystery here. Wear a short skirt and sit so he can almost see if you have anything on under the skirt. Then tease him repeatedly before showing him enough to confirm what he’s been hoping for. Additionally, any touching of your sexual parts will get him going, be it through, under, or without clothing.
- You can use words to drive him crazy. Tell him what you’re going to do to him later in the day. Be explicit. Then tell him you’ve changed your mind, and instead, you are going to do something else – which you should also explain in detail. Or send texts telling him what’s going to happen later or what you are or are not wearing.
- Touching him sexually is arousal teasing, bleeding into stimulation teasing if you take it far enough. Having him touch you is another way to do this.
Stimulation Teasing:
This is doing things you would usually do to get him to orgasm but stopping before he climaxes. You can take him to the brink of climax, just close enough to make him think you might finish him, or stop before he’s too far along. You can do it a few times or many.
Most men enjoy being repeatedly taken to the edge of orgasm without finishing. In addition to making their climax far better when you finally give it to them, being that close is almost as pleasurable as orgasm. This is as near as most men will ever get to multiple orgasms.
If you want to take him very close, manual sex is the best option. You have the control; he can’t finish himself with a quick thrust. Additionally, you can watch him better. His body will tell you how close he is to climax. His face, his breathing, and the way he holds or moves his legs all telegraph his level of arousal. His penis and testicles are especially good for this. At high levels of arousal, his testicles will pull up very close to his body. When he’s very close, the head of his penis will change colour and texture. With practice, you will know exactly where he is and how much more you can do without taking him over the top.
One thing you may have to learn is to know when “Don’t stop” means don’t stop, and when it means keep going. He may beg you to finish him when he really wants you to tease him a bit longer. Test this by stopping one more time when he asks to finish, and then after he regains his mind, ask him if he’s glad you stopped or wishes you had kept going.
A Few Things to Know:
- If you keep him on the edge a long time before he climaxes, he may lose his erection far more slowly than usual after orgasm. If you want to use that for your pleasure, give him half a minute so he doesn’t get overstimulated.
- If you handle his penis a lot more than usual, he may be sore the next day. Odds are he will think it was more than worth it. Keeping him lubricated will reduce the problem. Prolonged arousal can also result in some puffy swelling. This is harmless and will go away on its own.
- Very long times of high arousal without release can cause discomfort and, in some cases, may lead to pain. Ejaculating will take care of this, leaving nothing but a dull ache which goes away with time. If you’ve never teased him before, start easy and build up. Find his comfort level both mentally and physically.
- Long-term teasing can result in a lot of pre-ejaculatory fluid even in men who don’t normally produce much of it. This fluid is clear, thin, and slippery. Unless he has climaxed recently, it doesn’t contain sperm.
~ This is Paul, I’m XY, and I encourage you to show your husband a good time!
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 16, 2026 | WayBack
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hOU6zZ
One of the most popular not-about-sex posts on The Generous Husband is Don’t Let Limerence Destroy Your Marriage, from Nov 8, 2016.
‘Limerence’ is a word that was coined in 1979 to describe a powerful, even obsessive, infatuation with another person. While the desire to be with the person may lead to sex, limerence is not primarily about wanting a sexual relationship. Limerence is a crush on steroids, and it includes intrusive thinking such as:
- Not being able to stop thinking about the other person.
- Your mood being dependent on if you have been with the person recently or if you think the person likes you.
- Being willing to take risks or do things one would normally not do to be near or to attract the other person.
- Abandoning or being willing to abandon long-held beliefs or relationships to be with the other person.
Limerence isn’t healthy mature love. Limerence only sees an idealised version of the other person; a version that will never exist. Limerence can spread, with the one on the receiving end feeling it in return. When one or both of the individuals are married, this leads to an emotional affair at the very least, with sex being pretty much inevitable if the relationship continues.
Because this is not real love, because it’s based on an unsustainable fantasy, limerence affairs almost always end. Sometimes the two people leave their spouses and get married only to lose all interest in each other a few months or years later.
Individuals seem especially vulnerable to limerence when they feel unfulfilled or unappreciated in their marriage. They feel an emptiness, a need, and perhaps they’re unconsciously looking for someone to fill that need. A limerence affair seems like the solution, for as long as it lasts. The thing is, it can’t last.
I’ve seen the effects of limerence on marriages and families, and it’s ugly. While in a state of limerence, men and women will say horrible things and trash decades of relationships. It’s not just the marriage that can be destroyed; the desperation brought on by limerence can cause a person to abandon their family, their job, their church, and their friends. Ever seen a woman leave her husband and young children because she’s found her “soulmate”? That’s limerence. The fellow who leaves his wife of 25 years, abandons his job, and moves without telling anyone so he can be with the “woman of his dreams”? That’s limerence.
Limerence seems to impair reason and suppress morality. It’s like a drug, and the only goal in life is getting more. But it always ends, and then the person must deal with the wreckage they’ve left in their wake.
If you’re in the early stages of limerence, get out now. Cut off all contact with the woman even if you have to change jobs to do it. Your marriage, your connection with your children, and your future are all at stake.
For more on limerence, see The Truth About Limerence Affairs, by marriage expert Joe Beam.
~ This is Paul, and limerence is a lie you tell yourself
Saw our first Steller’s Jay today.
During the summer they live in the mountains. They come down to our elevation (2,500′) for the winter.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 15, 2026 | WayBack
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4yKuTN2
When Lori asked the readers of The Generous Wife to suggest topics for her, more than a few men made suggetions. Why Won’t She Touch Me? came from one of those suggestions, and became one or her top posts.
So, from August 7, 2017
What if …
… your husband didn’t touch your face much at all. You talked to him about it and he knew you wanted him to, but for some reason, he just keeps avoiding your face. Occasionally he will touch it when you make love, but even then it seems a bit forced, like he’s doing it more for you. Does he find your face disgusting? Ugly? What’s wrong?
For most of us (thankfully), this is not true of our husbands. They love touching and kissing and holding every bit of us.
However, I want you to imagine for a moment it was true and how hurtful it would be.
I suggest this because there is a situation in many marriages that is similar and just as hurtful.
Why Won’t She Touch Me? – Your husband needs you to appreciate and touch all of him.
Your husband may have talked to you about it and you know he wants you to enjoy his penis, but for some reason you avoid it. Occasionally you touch it when you make love, but even then it seems a bit forced, like you are doing it more for him. He wonders if you find his genitals disgusting or ugly. What’s wrong?
This is especially hard on guys. Their sexuality is integral to their identity and their penis has been a lifelong friend. When you avoid it you are saying there is something wrong or bad with it and that translates to a rejection of his sexuality and of him as a person (the same way rejection of your face might feel).
If you struggle with enjoying all of his body, take the time to ask yourself why. Sometimes it’s a matter of being told that sex (and sexual body parts) are dirty or naughty. Sometimes it’s about past abuse or sexual sin (perhaps it’s time to see a counselor). Whatever the reasons, please challenge them and work for change.
Your husband needs you to appreciate and touch all of him. His body is wonderfully designed and created by God. All of it is “very good.” Please don’t leave your husband touch hungry and in need of acceptance.
To touch can be to give life. ~ Michelangelo
(Need a little help? Check out Awaken-Love’s video classes.)
~ This is Paul, and touching his penis is Doing Sex, and Marriage, Well
Pigs are getting big!
They gain about two pounds a day now.
Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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