Podcast: https://bit.ly/4z5qELR
Assumptions are so durable they easily survive the relationship that created them. We then apply them to the next person who has a similar place in our life. Even if the assumption was true for our last relationship, that does not make it true for the person we married.
Due to our age and inexperience, we tend to make more assumptions in our early romantic relationships than we do later. But unless we make an effort to jettison those assumptions, we unthinkingly paint them onto our spouse.
So let’s look at some assumptions you might put on your spouse based on your first boy or girlfriend.
What Silence Means: I’ve already covered this one, but it’s worth reiterating it. Silence means they are not talking, and there are many reasons for that.
I’d Know if They Were Upset: Some folks are quick to be vocal about feeling hurt or wronged. Others take time to process. And some have a bad habit of burying it. Assuming ‘No news is good news” is dangerous.
She Needs Space: Perhaps that was true when your first girlfriend acted as your wife is currently acting. But your wife might desperately want you to reach out to her, and see you not doing so as an indication you don’t care about her. A quick “Do you want to be alone?” is a good check.
Arguing with Him Won’t Make a Difference: Maybe he is more reasonable and more open to your thoughts than the 17-year-old guy who was neither. And he may assume your saying nothing means you have no objection.
They Know How That Makes Me Feel: Perhaps a previous love interest did. Maybe they knew because you had a discussion with them, which you’ve not had with your spouse. Or you think it has to be obvious. If it has not been spoken, you may not be on the same page.
Treat everything you thought you knew from past relationships as a potential wrong assumption about the person you live with today. Can you find a place where you do that, and make a conscious effort to stop?
~ This is Paul, assuming you want to Do Marriage Well.
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Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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What a helpful reframe. I think many of us don’t realize how much our past relationships are quietly writing the script for our current ones. The point about silence not necessarily meaning anger really hit home — it’s so easy to read a present moment through an old wound. Thank you for naming this so clearly.