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Many couples’ sex lives are littered with incorrect assumptions.

I’ve probably mentioned before the young couple Lori and I were working with who did this. As I was out with him getting some ice, Lori was with her finishing the dinner we would share. We both learned that the one we were with really wanted to try rear-entry sex but was sure their spouse would be offended by the idea. I wonder how many couples go years without doing something they would both enjoy because of such assumptions?

I’ll run through a few sexual assumptions. Might any of these be a factor in your marriage?

Good Girls Don’t: Some ladies who stay completely sexless go into marriage ready to make up for lost time. Perhaps your wife is holding out because she fears what you will think. Or perhaps your husband is holding back because he fears what his “good girl” will think about him. The way to deal with this is to mention something just past what you do now and see what kind of reaction you get. And don’t assume surprise means they dislike what you said.

Her Not Having An Orgasm: Be it regular or occasional, most women fail to orgasm from time to time. Some are fine with that, and say they sometimes enjoy sex without it. And some are as upset about it as any man would be. Many men have been told it’s not that important for a woman, and may assume that is true if she says nothing. He may remain quiet to avoid embarrassing her. And she may assume him not saying anything means he doesn’t care.

He Knows I Orgasmed: He may not. Or he may think you did not when you did. If he asks, don’t get upset. It means he can’t tell, and he cares. You don’t have to scream it out as it happens, but at least occasionally commenting on it is helpful.

What We Do Works for Both of Us: If you don’t talk about it, you can’t know this. Embarrassment can keep couples from talking openly about sex, and that is a breeding ground for assumptions. Both women and men put up with sex that is far from what they want because they don’t think their spouse would be willing to change. You have not because you ask not.

It’s Still Good For Them: Bodies and desires change over time. What was great a decade ago might be so-so now. On the other side, what was off the table in the past might now be desired. Addressing things that don’t work any more is not rejection; it’s an invitation to something better.

He Learned That from Porn: Most men spend a lot of time thinking about sex, and new ways to do it. He might also have heard about it from a friend or a non-pornographic media source. Don’t underestimate how often he has sex with you in his head!

They Must Be Having An Affair: Folks think this when their spouse suddenly does something different, wants more sex, or seems less interested in sex. There are many other reasons for all of these. Assuming adultery is never a good idea.

Think about the sex life you share with your spouse. What parts of it have never been openly discussed? Those are all places where assumptions could be lurking. What do you need to bring into the light?

~ This is Paul, and assumptions get in the way of Doing Sex Well.

Bacon from last year’s pig and eggs from our turkey.

Yes, Chiana is still laying eggs in October. Crazy bird!

Image Credits: First image © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 Second image © Paul H Byerly
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