Let’s talk about our focus during sex and how that affects us and our spouse.
God intended sex as a way of making the two one. Sex is supposed to draw us together emotionally. Becoming too focused on the mechanics of sex can keep us from connecting. On the other hand, not enough focus on the mechanics can interfere with sex being enjoyable, especially for her. Finding the right balance here is a moving target. Stay aware that sex is supposed to be pleasurable for our bodies, minds, and emotions, and adjust as needed.
Most women need a solid emotional connection for good sex. Some women’s bodies will go through the motions apart from that, but she won’t be enjoying it. Rather than asking her if it was good for her, ask if it was good emotionally.
Always wanting to try something new will be a distraction for many women. Generally, men are more into sexual variety than women. A sex life you can both enjoy will require finding balance on this issue.
What about sex toys? I’ve heard some say such items distract them from emotional connection. Others say foreplay is difficult without a toy, or orgasm is iffy at best. In that case, the lack of a toy distracts from an emotional connection. Both are valid issues, so do what works for you and your spouse. And again, find a balance that works for both of you.
I’ve heard some say we should not focus on orgasm. Or shouldn’t focus “too much”, whatever that means. Some go so far as to say orgasm is nice when it happens but not necessary. If that’s true for you, great. Odds are it’s not also true for your spouse. Orgasm should not be the sole goal of sex, but each of you should have them when you want them.
The other thing about orgasms is that his is all but guaranteed, while hers is not. That means he needs to do whatever it is required to take her there when she wants to climax. Some women enjoy sex without orgasm sometimes, and some want it every time. Whatever your lady wants should be your goal.
And finally, when sex is over, make an effort to enjoy the afterglow. Fight the urge to roll over and go to sleep or to jump out of bed immediately to clean up. Men, she wants to hear that you love her. And women, he wants to hear that it was good for you.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well builds your marriage up.
Hardening off the first of our potatoes.
Hardening is especially important this year, as the grandsons helped dig them.
As I suggested on Monday, we can miss something because we were looking for something else. And as with the moonwalking bear, what we miss may be rather obvious.
Our brains are very good at focusing on one thing. What we call multitasking is actually rapidly switching between two things. Once we focus on something, everything else moves to the background. When we need to focus on something, that single-mindedness is great. But it comes at a cost.
The other thing is we tend to see what we expect. Scientists say our brains function as prediction machines rather than passive video recorders. We filter for what we expect, which means filtering out other things. Even if we see everything, we tend to exaggerate what we expect, and downplay everything else.
Focusing on a task can cause us to miss what our spouse is doing or saying. There are certainly times we need to focus on something other than our spouse, but try to keep some awareness of them when they are around. If nothing else, check in every so often. At the very least, look at them once in a while!
Another possibility is we are focused on our spouse but on something that is not real. For example, Sam becomes suspicious that Chris is having an affair. There are no red flags, just a vague feeling. But now Sam is looking for signs of cheating. That means trying to see what Chris says and does as evidence of adultery. It also means ignoring things that suggest there is no affair. If Chris starts to notice being treated differently, things could get even more difficult. Chris may pull back as a result of how Sam is acting. And Sam will see this change as further evidence of an affair.
Another example is thinking your spouse is mad at you. You magnify any hint of displeasure and downplay actions that suggest they are not mad.
You can turn this around and use the power of focus to improve your marriage. Assuming the best is a matter of focus. Likewise for the benefit of the doubt.
Focus is a tool. Like any tool, it can be used for good or bad. One way to ensure you don’t use it for bad is to check yourself. Ask, “Am I observing reality, or am I looking for what I expect to see?“
I told on myself yesterday, so today it’s Lori’s turn. My wife gets hyperfocused on whatever she’s doing. That’s nice when I’m involved in what she’s doing. But it can result in her missing things I need her to hear. What makes it worse is she says, “uh huh” when she is focused on something else. Once when I knew she was not hearing me, I “confessed” to an affair with the elderly lady across the street. It wasn’t until I lost it laughing that she stopped and said, “What did I agree to?“
Here’s the thing: I know she does this. I think that puts it on me to make sure she is really hearing me when I say something important. She’s been this way for 42 years, and there is no reason to think she will change. So I choose to be responsible for making sure she hears me. The issue is not blame; it’s making it work.
How could you make it easier for your spouse to focus when you need to tell them something?
Pick your time wisely. Not when they are busy or stressed.
Ask if it’s a good time to talk.
Politely ask them to put down what they are doing.
Get to the point quickly.
Make the main concern known early in the conversation.
If you are asking for something, ask for it clearly.
How can you improve your focus on your spouse? The same list applies, but you may have work to get some of them.
Perhaps you need to discuss “focus traps” over coffee sometime.
~ This is Paul, and focus can be a double-edged sword!
We live in a world awash with things screaming for our attention. The dog wants out, the cat wants in, maybe, and the kids won’t stop going in and out. Your phone nags you all day, and media does its best to snag you. There are so many things vying for your focus.
With so much going on, and so many voices competing for your attention, missing something your spouse says is understandable. However, we choose what gets our ears’ full attention, and what we treat as background noise. Is your spouse high priority, background noise, or somewhere in between?
Perhaps you assume you know what your spouse has to say and don’t give it top priority for that reason. Or perhaps some of what they say obligates you or annoys you, so you’d rather not hear it. Or it might be as simple as familiarity making them seem boring. But regardless of the reason, missing something important because you’re distracted is wrong, and may communicate that you don’t care.
If you want to hear what your spouse thinks and know how they feel, you must make listening to them a priority. Of course there are situations where you can’t do that. On those occasions, ask them to wait and tell you whatever later, when you can give it the focus it deserves.
When your spouse talks, give them your attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and really hear them.
Caveat One: If your spouse tends to ramble, like my wife’s husband, you might miss something because it’s lost in a stream of consciousness that doesn’t need your attention. The solution to this is to be honest. Saying “You have a lot of words; would you make sure I hear the ones that are important?” would work. Or, when they’re going on (and on, and on), say, “Is there something I need to know?”
Caveat Two: Being neurodivergent makes focus extra challenging. I’m ADHD, and I feel your frustration. Make dealing with that a couple task.
~ This is Paul, and focus is part of Doing Marriage Well.
Are the yellow jackets gone?
She’s fine. But she spent almost an hour under my desk.
Please start by watching the video below, or here.
The first time I saw that, I totally missed the bear. The video says, “It’s easy to miss something you’re not looking for“. That’s true, but the video is also using what magicians call misdirection. Had you not been given the instruction to count ball passes, you would have seen the bear. So in addition to not seeing what you’re not looking for, it’s easy to miss something obvious when you are busy looking for something else.
This week, I want to discuss how both of these affect our marriages.
When did you last miss something your spouse was trying to communicate to you? Or perhaps I should say, when did that last happen that you are aware of?
I’m not talking about those hints she gives that she thinks are obvious but that 99% of men would miss. And I’m not talking about something you didn’t understand because he used far too few words. What was communicated well, yet you totally missed it?
If you can think of such an event, the next question is, why did you miss it? Be honest and dig a bit.
~ This is Paul, and having a clue helps us Do Marriage Well.
Getting the driveway ready for more rock.
Yes, there’s a two-year-old in the tractor. We start ’em young!
Many couples’ sex lives are littered with incorrect assumptions.
I’ve probably mentioned before the young couple Lori and I were working with who did this. As I was out with him getting some ice, Lori was with her finishing the dinner we would share. We both learned that the one we were with really wanted to try rear-entry sex but was sure their spouse would be offended by the idea. I wonder how many couples go years without doing something they would both enjoy because of such assumptions?
I’ll run through a few sexual assumptions. Might any of these be a factor in your marriage?
Good Girls Don’t: Some ladies who stay completely sexless go into marriage ready to make up for lost time. Perhaps your wife is holding out because she fears what you will think. Or perhaps your husband is holding back because he fears what his “good girl” will think about him. The way to deal with this is to mention something just past what you do now and see what kind of reaction you get. And don’t assume surprise means they dislike what you said.
Her Not Having An Orgasm: Be it regular or occasional, most women fail to orgasm from time to time. Some are fine with that, and say they sometimes enjoy sex without it. And some are as upset about it as any man would be. Many men have been told it’s not that important for a woman, and may assume that is true if she says nothing. He may remain quiet to avoid embarrassing her. And she may assume him not saying anything means he doesn’t care.
He Knows I Orgasmed: He may not. Or he may think you did not when you did. If he asks, don’t get upset. It means he can’t tell, and he cares. You don’t have to scream it out as it happens, but at least occasionally commenting on it is helpful.
What We Do Works for Both of Us: If you don’t talk about it, you can’t know this. Embarrassment can keep couples from talking openly about sex, and that is a breeding ground for assumptions. Both women and men put up with sex that is far from what they want because they don’t think their spouse would be willing to change. You have not because you ask not.
It’s Still Good For Them: Bodies and desires change over time. What was great a decade ago might be so-so now. On the other side, what was off the table in the past might now be desired. Addressing things that don’t work any more is not rejection; it’s an invitation to something better.
He Learned That from Porn: Most men spend a lot of time thinking about sex, and new ways to do it. He might also have heard about it from a friend or a non-pornographic media source. Don’t underestimate how often he has sex with you in his head!
They Must Be Having An Affair: Folks think this when their spouse suddenly does something different, wants more sex, or seems less interested in sex. There are many other reasons for all of these. Assuming adultery is never a good idea.
Think about the sex life you share with your spouse. What parts of it have never been openly discussed? Those are all places where assumptions could be lurking. What do you need to bring into the light?
~ This is Paul, and assumptions get in the way of Doing Sex Well.
Bacon from last year’s pig and eggs from our turkey.
Yes, Chiana is still laying eggs in October. Crazy bird!
