REFLECTION (Day 6 of 7)
(Need to start at the beginning? Day 1)
Much of what I say here is about dealing with ourselves. And rightly so. We are the only ones who can change ourselves and our changes will have influence within our marriage relationships. Good deal.
For the record, if you and your spouse are good-hearted, but imperfect people, then this blog and the whole dealing with yourself philosophy will be very helpful.
If your marriage is out of kilter, and you’re not sure what is wrong, but you or your spouse feels emotionally battered, I encourage you to read The Emotionally Abusive Marriage by Leslie Vernick. The author is brilliant about explaining healthy and not healthy behaviors. She gives you a vocabulary and understanding that makes it much easier to sort things out.
However, if you are in a relationship where there are significant marriage problems (abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc.), this blog will not likely be a help.
I’m not saying you should stop learning to be a better person and better spouse, but abuse involves complicated emotional wounds and that calls for someone with a bit of training.
If you are in physical danger, please call this hotline (National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233) and get to safety before dealing with any significant marriage problems. (And, men, please seek help if you are being physically abused by your wife. Don’t let a stereotype keep you from seeking help.)
Be wise. Be safe.
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Thank you so much for addressing your male readers regarding seeking help. I watched my son struggle with physical abuse at the hands of his wife early in their marriage. We helped as much as we could, which wasn’t much, and they seem to be in a healthier place recently. The stigma is so hard for young men to overcome. I’m always grateful to hear someone with a platform acknowledge the issue from both sides. Thank you.
Abuse is uncalled-for regardless of gender. Bless you for trying to be a help.
I downloaded a sample of the Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick, it seems very one sided. Most are blaming their husband for all the problems. We tend to forget in today’s society, that women have many things be blamed for in marital problems, as well. Such as finding reasons not to have sex with their husband somehow still blame him. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t take out the garbage or didn’t do the dishes, GOD still wants you have have sex with your Hubby.
Sheryl, the book is written to women, so it addresses attitudes and problems that are brought into the marriage by the husband. I read through the Amazon sample and there wasn’t anything about sex.
That said, sex is supposed to be a two-way street where both husband and wife are enjoying the physical pleasure and intimacy of sex. Sex becomes difficult when you are routinely mistreated by your spouse (far more than just forgetting to take out the garbage). Putting good sex back into the marriage rests on healing the marriage and learning to treat each other lovingly and respectfully.
Sorry. My comment about sex, garbage and dishes was an example from what I hear in society, not what I read on the sample in my Kindle.
Ah, I see. Thanks.
Certainly sex is a huge battleground in our culture. I advocate doing your best to be available sexually to your spouse, and try to address other problems as separate issues. Not easy, but bundling problems generally means chaos and no solutions.