by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 26, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4gCOKpP
Today I want to look at some of the more commonly thought-of things we need from our spouse. Tomorrow we will consider some less tangible ones.
A quick, easy list of things we need from our spouse can be found in the five love languages Gary Chapman writes about: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
Most folks need all of these to one degree or another. And what we need is not set in stone. My wife has become more and more of a touch person over the last four decades. She didn’t get a lot of touch as a child, and got some bad touch as well, so she had reasons to not want touch. But I was safe, and as she relaxed, she found she needed and wanted touch.
Other times a lack of something growing up causes a greater hunger for it. The man who was never affirmed may feel a very strong need for that from his wife. The woman who never got gifts as a child may be thrilled with any little gift her husband gives her and feel unloved without a steady stream of gifts.
As I said yesterday, why we need as much as we need is irrelevant. If my wife needed a 20-minute backrub every day to feel balanced and loved, she’d get it, no questions asked. I’d plan the time and not wait for her to ask. My wife is the same way with me. I was the kid who never got affirmed, and when Lori realised how her affirming me made me feel, she looked for opportunities to do it.
Can any of this become manipulative? Of course it can. Expecting gifts, especially expensive gifts, could be selfishness. Saying you need a lot of acts of service could be a manipulative way of getting your spouse to do more than their share. And claiming to need touch because you want sex is dishonest. But it’s pretty easy to see when these things are being used in a manipulative way.
Watch how your spouse responds when you give them any of the five love languages. At least a couple will really bless them. They may relax, open up, or become affectionate. When you see this, determine to give them more of the same. Flood them with what feeds them because you love them and they deserve it.
~ This is Paul, and giving abundantly is Doing Marriage Well.
Note: Due to a connection problem, posts for Monday and Tuesday did not email on time. Both were sent yesterday afternoon.
We grew field peas as a test this year to see if they would help us cut our animal feed bill.
The pigs are all about them!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 21, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3U51TQQ
Sex is literally the two becoming one flesh. While sex is neither the only nor the primary thing God meant by becoming one flesh, it’s certainly part of it. And all too often it’s a frustrating part.
In today’s world most folks reach puberty and sexual awakening a decade or more before they marry. This generally comes with some experience. Even in the church most men and women were sexual with someone, or multiple someones, before they met the person they married. Beyond that, there is experience with porn and mainstream media. And all of this creates sexual preferences and a sexual personality.
Unfortunately, a newlywed couple’s sexual preferences are often at odds. And as couples get married later in life, this is more common, and the differences are greater.
Few newlywed couples have what it would take to engage in a deep, calm discussion of sexual preferences. This makes early sex frustrating or difficult for one or both spouses. It may also leave one or both unsatisfied.
Generally one spouse, typically the wife, lets go of most of their preferences to make sex work. Of course it doesn’t really make it work. Perhaps their spouse is okay with it, but they are not. This can be a big part of a wife struggling with desire, arousal, and orgasm. She’s not getting what she needs for sex to be good for her, and what she is getting doesn’t work well, if at all, for her.
Often the person who has set down most of their preferences will push to exclude a couple of their spouse’s, which spreads the frustration around.
Because of all of this, many couples spend their whole marriage having sex that is barely okay for one of them and less than that for the other.
If you want better sex, getting there depends on your gender:
For the men:
It’s never too late to make a change. But to do that you have to be ready to let go of some of what you want and try new things. As sex is more difficult for women, the wise husband is quick to focus on what she prefers. Most men thoroughly enjoy their wife’s pleasure, so making it better for her is making it better for yourself.
For the women:
It’s never too late to make a change. But to do that, you have to be ready to be a bit more selfish about what happens in bed. Your hubby is easily aroused and can climax far more easily than you. His preferences make sex a bit better for him. Your preferences can be the difference between pleasure and frustration. Be bold about your pleasure, and know his pleasure will naturally follow yours.
And as always, if you need help, get help!
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well takes effort.
If you want help with your sex life, consider The Marriage Bed Forum
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 20, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xIxdDs
One good way to improve the two becoming one in your marriage is to work on a shared vision. When you’re both working towards the same goal, things start to line up. Rather than trying to align preferences, you’re uniting on a purpose.
Sometimes life gives you a common goal. If you have children, raising them to be functional, decent adults should be something you both want.
The potential issue with this is you may have different ideas about how to raise your children. The solution is to focus on the goal. Who do you want your children to become? What do you think is important for them to know or have? Things such as a good work ethic or being able to think for themselves are pretty easy to agree on. Something like a love of reading is good, but it may be more about wanting them to be like you. Wanting them to be a football star or to love dance is trying to set their preferences, which is never a good plan.
Be it your child, a ministry, or where you want to live, work on getting to the same goal. This will require some give and take. Identify what is a strong desire and what is a weak preference, and work to hit the strongest ones. Also discuss how realistic each thing is and what it would take to make it happen. And of course, pray.
Once you have a common goal, then start discussing how to get from where you are to that goal. This is where your thoughts about how to do something can clash. See your spouse’s way as different, not wrong. Discuss the merits and potential difficulties. Perhaps try one way, holding the other in reserve if the first attempt doesn’t work well. Even better, look for a third alternative that is better than either, or acceptable to both of you.
Also seek advice. When Lori and I decided to travel by RV, we sat with friends who had done it and learned everything we could from them. I’m a big fan of learning what to do, and what not to do, from those who have been where I want to go and done what I want to do. Exposing your plans and theories to experience and reality will result in good changes if you are open to that. Do this early, before you’re set on a plan that may not be the best option.
~ This is Paul, and a shared vision is Doing Marriage Well.
Be it your child, a ministry, or where you want to live, work on getting to the same goal. This will require some give and take. Identify what is a strong desire and what is a weak preference, and work to hit the strongest ones. Also discuss how realistic each thing is and what it would take to make it happen. And of course, pray.
Once you have a common goal, then start discussing how to get from where you are to that goal. This is where your thoughts about how to do something can clash. See your spouse’s way as different, not wrong. Discuss the merits and potential difficulties. Perhaps try one way, holding the other in reserve if the first attempt doesn’t work well. Even better, look for a third alternative that is better than either, or acceptable to both of you.
Also seek advice. When Lori and I decided to travel by RV, we sat with friends who had done it and learned everything we could from them. I’m a big fan of learning what to do, and what not to do, from those who have been where I want to go and done what I want to do. Exposing your plans and theories to experience and reality will result in good changes if you are open to that. Do this early, before you’re set on a plan that may not be the best option.
~ This is Paul, and a shared vision is Doing Marriage Well.
Getting a steady flow of strawberries now.
Too many to eat, so we start freezing.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 19, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4cPNyhs
I’ve talked about how couples blend and affect each other and how that can cause problems. But sometimes there is frustration because we DON’T rub off on each other.
We expect our spouse to think as we do. If you root for the Seahawks (as God intended) and your spouse cheers for the Broncos, that’s a problem!
On a more serious note, what we think about politics can be a serious struggle. Many folks feel very strongly about political issues, and may see some political issues as moral issues.
When differences like this get heated, the best option is to agree you won’t talk about it. Follow your convictions, and expect your spouse to do the same.
Another way this can become difficult is over something one spouse sees as a conspiracy theory. I know a guy who went further and further down the conspiracy rabbit hole, flat earth and all. It was a significant part of what eventually ended his marriage. The problem is that most of these folks are unable or unwilling to keep their mouths closed about what they think. Agree to disagree and move on is rarely in their playbook. This means the problem is not what they think, but rather their not respecting their spouse’s desire to not hear about it. And that is how I suggest you deal with it if you find yourself there.
While some disagreements are about perspectives, others, like faith, touch the very core of who we are. Even what denomination one prefers can be a problem. If one spouse is Christian and the other is not, that’s more difficult. If both were following Jesus when they married, and one has since left the faith, that is particularly problematic. These issues are worse when there are children in the home.
In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul tells us to stay with an unbelieving spouse if they are willing. And I would add if it’s safe to do so. But that command doesn’t make it an easy thing to do. Constantly trying to get your spouse saved is understandable, but it rarely works and usually causes a lot of problems. I suggest you pray for God to use others to influence your spouse for Him.
The other side of this is getting your unbelieving spouse to not harass you about your faith. This is not really a religious issue; it’s a matter of common courtesy and decency. Approach it that way rather than feeling persecuted for your faith.
It can be challenging when your spouse differs with you on something you feel is important. Offer grace, and pray for God to speak to either of you if what you believe is not what He wants.
~ This is Paul, and the Seahawks could repeat this year!
We tried yams this year, and the top growth is looking good.
Hopefully we get another six weeks before cold forces us to harvest.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 18, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4wyFoB6
Yesterday I warned you about not letting your spouse’s mood make you feel bad. Today let’s talk about the reverse, trying to keep your mood from taking your spouse down.
This is tricky because hiding how you feel is never a good idea. Your spouse should know where you are mentally and emotionally. Knowing you’re down or stressed should elicit concern and some effort to make things easier for you.
Part of this is not allowing your mood to run wild. If we lean into a mood, it can become much stronger. If you’re down, talking a lot about the things that got you down will make it worse. Talking with folks who feel the same way will also make it worse.
A bigger issue is what you feel your spouse’s response to your moods should be. Caring and praying? Trying to help? Joining you in your bad mood? Do you expect them to rescue you from your bad mood? Do you expect them to guard you from others? If you’re down, is it their job to keep the kids away? Do you want them to be kind and helpful, or do you put unfair responsibility on them? If you’re down and they are not, do you feel betrayed? Do note reaching out for comfort is very different than expecting them to fix things.
Have you and your spouse talked about this? They may assume you expect things you do not. This could be due to their past. If they had any abuse in their growing-up years, fixing your mood may feel like a matter of life and death.
Saying something like “I’m sorry I’m down; I don’t expect you to fix it” is loving and helpful.
Beyond all this, if you regularly are in a less than great mood, is that something you need to deal with? Being grumpy most of the time is not okay. Why are you grumpy? What can you do to deal with the triggers? We can’t easily change how we feel, and it’s more difficult with some emotions than others. But we can choose how we react to what we feel, and we can choose how we act towards others when we feel bad.
Finally, do you keep your bad mood under control at work or in public but unleash it at home? That’s a choice, and not a loving one. Of course you are more honest with your spouse, but that does not justify treating them poorly.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
The pole beans went in late, but are doing well; some are eight feet high.
I expect to start picking beans in a couple weeks. Very happy with this way of growing them. There’s a gap on one side so we can get underneath to pick.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 17, 2026 | 2=1
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ghHQWK
A married couple is not two distinct individuals. There is some blending. The Bible says the two become one. What either does has an effect on the other, and what either feels has an effect on the other. This week I want to look at some of the ways this plays out in our marriages and what we can do to make things better.
Mood is a big one. A good mood can certainly be contagious. Have you ever been feeling a bit down, but your spouse was feeling happy and full of life, and that rubbed off on you a bit? Enthusiasm and optimism can also rub off on us. Those are good transfers.
But it happens the other way too.
A bad mood can drag us down. You were feeling good, and then your spouse came in a doom and gloom, and it ran over your good mood.
Grumpiness can also be contagious. Likewise for worry, fear, and even panic. It’s said misery loves company, and all too often misery produces company by spilling over on to others.
One of the best things you can do for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage is to fight letting your spouse’s bad mood become your bad mood. This doesn’t mean you ignore them. You care about them, and when they’re down, you care about that. You want to hear about it and offer whatever help possible. But do this while fighting the tendency to go where they are. Going there won’t help them.
If your spouse was in a pit, jumping in to comfort them would be a bad plan because then you would both be in the pit. The better choice is to remain at the top and help them out of the pit. If they can’t do that yet, then you wait until they can, being as encouraging as you can.
If you feel guilty being okay when your spouse is not, that is something you need to work on. Concern is right and normal, but guilt is neither right nor helpful.
~ This is Paul, and staying out of the pit is Doing Marriage Well.
Almost!
Lori is especially proud about these, as it’s the first time she has raised tomatoes from seed.
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