by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 12, 2026 | Adulting
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3VbcJVP
I could go a lot of ways to talk about adulting in your marriage bed. I could talk about not seeking sex when your spouse has had a hard day. I could talk about offering your spouse sex when you’ve had a hard day. But I’m going to land on when you are separated or your spouse can’t.
While sex in marriage is a couple thing, sex drive is not. Most men, and many women, continue to have their normal sex drive regardless of what their spouse is going through or if they are apart. Think of it like this: some of us lose our appetite when our spouse is struggling, and some don’t. I wish my sex drive cut out when my wife was sick, stressed, or otherwise unable. But that’s not how God made me.
If your sex drive is still going strong when you’re apart or your spouse is unable to have sex, do you just cross your legs and try not to think about it? I don’t think running around aroused is wise. It’s annoying, distracting, and can put us in a place of temptation. All of this is also true when we are separated for a few days or longer.
Yes, I am going to suggest DIY release of sexual tension. I think it’s the adult thing to do.
If your spouse is going to be away from you, slip a sex toy or a bottle of lube in their suitcase along with a note that says “Think of me.” Or leave such a gift on their pillow at home. Even better, arrange to call each other for a bit of phone sex.
As for not being able to have sex, some take a very legalistic stand on 1 Cor 7:5, a stand which is devoid of love, caring, and grace. There will be times when it’s not reasonable to expect your spouse to be willing or able to be sexual. And as I’ve said about other things this week, it’s not your job to judge if they are right about that. If she says, “I can’t“, then you accept she can’t. Likewise if he says he can’t. If that happens a great deal apart from illness, chronic pain, or a season of crazy, then you need to have a discussion. But most of the time you should accept that they can’t, and ask what you can do for them to make things easier.
If your spouse is unable, would they rather you take care of yourself in bed next to them, or apart from them? Aside from the other things I mentioned, doing this means you’re not like a vulture waiting for your spouse to be good enough to take care of you. I suggest you have a discussion about this before you’re in the situation. Work through any concerns and come up with a plan.
BTW, if you’re the unable spouse, you can make it easier by touching your spouse to arouse them, and then asking them to finish what you started. This can also open the way for some emotional intimacy.
A personal request: Lori has been struggling with her health for a couple of months. We finally have an appointment with a specialist, three weeks from now. She is in pretty much constant discomfort and far worse. It’s really weighing on her mentally and emotionally. She asked me to ask y’all for your prayers.
~ This is Paul, and I’ve had ample opportunity to work on my Adulting recently.
Good night, Eatern Washington
Thanks for another lovely day.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 11, 2026 | Adulting
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3T3NG6i
Being an adult means stepping up and doing what needs to be done because it needs to be done. It means taking responsibility for your words and your actions and managing your own life. In marriage and family, it means stepping up when your spouse fails to do so. It means carrying the extra load. And it means doing that without complaining or expecting thanks.
We all have times when we can’t do what we should. Perhaps we’re sick. Or emotionally empty. We may be in a busy season, or dealing with loss and grief. When we’re in these places, the adult thing to do is to take care of ourselves. But we also have to consider the needs of our spouse and family.
When each spouse is quick to step in when the other can’t do all they normally do, it’s not a problem. If one does this and the other not so much, that can lead to resentment. Ideally you are able to talk about this as you go through it. Among other things, please reassure your spouse when you have to pick up the slack. No guilt trips or expectations; be all “I got this, and I got you.“
Sometimes being an adult in your marriage means realising your spouse is in over their head and unable to see or admit that. I tend to keep going and giving until I am completely empty. This is a combination of my personality and being taught to downplay my needs and see others as more important. I’ve only gotten there a few times in our marriage, but it’s a bad place to be. Lori is getting better at feeling it and suggesting I back off. Sometimes we don’t judge ourselves well, and if our spouse sees us more clearly, they can save us a lot of trouble.
When you have to carry extra weight because your spouse cannot, it’s not your job to tell them they need to get over it. If you do this, you can cause long-lasting harm to them and to your marriage. Especially if you misjudge. It is, however, your job to say, “I’m doing too much“. This lets your spouse know they need to pick up whatever they can. Do be sure the motivation is “I can’t“, not “I want you to do more.” Or perhaps you need to discuss what can be let go for the difficult season.
Doing extra when your spouse is overwhelmed is sacrificial love, which is something the Lord calls us to. When we do it right, it can have an amazing, lasting impact on our marriages. Difficult times are no fun, but they can make us better people and can result in stronger, better marriages. For those who love God, all things work together for good.
Note: If one spouse chronically exploits the other’s willingness to sacrifice, that is an issue which needs to be addressed. A third party can help you see if that is happening.
~ This is Paul, and carrying your spouse is Doing Marriage Very Well.
Going to get some green beans soon!
Calling this method a success.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 9, 2026 | Adulting
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xfqxfu
Today I want to look at a few common failures to adult in marriages.
Avoiding Hard Talks: No one enjoys having a difficult discussion. But situations that require hard talks don’t get better on their own. Usually ignoring them makes them far worse.
It’s fair to say you need a bit of time. Some folks process slowly. And sometimes we need to work through our emotions. But when a bit of time becomes days and then weeks, our reasons for not having the needed talk stop mattering. Avoiding hard talks is saying, “I don’t care about you, or our relationship, enough to deal with this.“
The Blame Game: Blaming your spouse can be based on the idea that the best defence is a good offence. Some folks go out of their way to blame things on their spouse to keep them off balance. Another version of this is always having something they did wrong at the ready to counter being accused of something.
Blame Avoidance: This is pushing back on the suggestion you did anything wrong. Or having endless reasons or excuses. This also results in refusing to apologise. Others do this by minimising any wrong they commit, while possibly exaggerating their spouse’s wrongs. Another version is the “It wasn’t my job” excuse. Deut 22:4 says, “You shall not see your brother’s donkey or his ox fallen down by the way and ignore them. You shall help him to lift them up again.” According to God, if you see a need, it’s your job to take care of it.
Throwing Tantrums: Tantrums are about as unadult as you can get, but some folks who are adults by age do it. Tantrums are a tactic. They make the other person sorry they mentioned whatever so they will drop it. The person who does this often can end a discussion by just hinting they are about to go into a tantrum. Tantrums can be a holdover from childhood or caused by an underlying mental health issue, but regardless of why they happen, they are unacceptable.
The way to deal with a tantrum is to walk away. However, if the goal was to get you to drop whatever, then the tantrum has worked. Tell your spouse they need to stop throwing tantrums. Tell them if they don’t; you will go for help. Suggesting you will get help from church might be effective if they wish to avoid their behaviour being known. Or seek the help of a therapist.
Avoidance: I already mentioned avoiding hard talks. General avoidance is not engaging, or only engaging when you want to. It’s easy to get hung up on what our spouse uses to avoid us: gaming, YouTube, or busyness, for example. But these things are not the problem; they are the tool used to avoid connection. Don’t get focused on the tool. Deal with the avoidance and its effects. Don’t say, “I need you to spend less time doing whatever.” Say, “I need you to spend more time with me.” This puts the focus on the real issue.
It is fair to expect our spouses to act like adults and fair to call them out on it when they don’t. Of course there needs to be grace, especially when they are having a difficult time.
~ This is Paul, and you have to be an adult to Do Marriage Well.
One of the great things about living in the Northwest is that eggnog season lasts five months!
Saw this at Costco today and got some. Love a splash of eggnog in our morning coffee.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 8, 2026 | Adulting
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3V2CFmt
As I said, sometimes adulting means doing hard things. Let me start with an example beyond what most of us will ever face.
When we travelled by RV, we met a couple I’ll call Jack and Jill. Jill has a mental problem that she refused to get help for. Jill reached a place where it was not safe for her to be around their young children. Jack got a restraining order to protect them. She moved out of the house and soon became homeless. Jack went to see her from time to time, and offered help, but with expectations. Eventually Jill decided she wanted a better life. She got help, and became sane and safe. The restraining order was removed, and she came home. When we met them, she’d been home several years. Life was not perfect, but they had a functional marriage and family.
I can’t imagine how hard it was for Jack to do the adult thing. I know he got flack from some of his friends, including some at church. But he knew he had to keep his kids safe, and he understood what doing that would take. It’s great his actions precipitated a good outcome, but he did what he did not knowing if that would happen.
As I said, few of us will ever face something this difficult. But there are other hard choices for many.
Sometimes we have to make hard decisions to protect our children. Or our spouse. Or ourselves. Let’s briefly consider a few:
Mental Health: Some in the church still reject the idea we could need this kind of help, but Jill is a powerful proof to the contrary. The idea that mental health issues are about a lack of faith, or that you just need to pray more, is, frankly, insulting. If you would seek a doctor for a broken leg, why not a broken mind? If you would use drugs to deal with cancer, why not use them to deal with the brain being out of whack chemically?
Because of the stigma, some folks who need mental help don’t seek it. The adult thing is to get the help you need. And to push your spouse to do that if they need such help.
Addictions: Addictions destroy us and those around us. Getting help is the adult thing to do. Unfortunately most folks in the grips of an addiction are not in an adult mindset. If that’s the case, then their spouse may need to step up. Push. Get others involved. If nothing else works, give an ultimatum. This is about you, but it’s also about your spouse. They need to get free so they can live and enjoy life.
Drugs and alcohol are the first addictions we think of. This can include legal drugs and even over-the-counter ones. Gambling is an addiction that can destroy a marriage and a life. Shopping addiction is scoffed at, but it’s a real thing. It can lead to financial ruin, which is no joke. I shy away from calling porn use an addiction, but if it’s making a mess of your marriage, hurting your job performance, or destroying your life, it needs to be treated.
Shame can keep folks from dealing with addictions. Admitting your problem to a group of friends helps deal with the shame. An intervention can do the same thing, if it’s done well. AA-type groups can be very helpful for addictions. Celebrate Recovery is along these lines but is Christian-based. I know several folks who say CR saved their marriage and/or their life. CR also has resources for the spouse of the one addicted.
Not Adulting: The individual who won’t get a job, or bounces from job to job, is failing to adult. Refusing to do anything around the home, or to care for the children, are other examples. Refusing to deal with an abusive parent who attacks your spouse or hurts your children is another. Refusing to adult is not okay, and needs to be treated like any other destructive behaviour. In one of his letters to Timothy, Paul says those who do not care for their household have denied the faith. Ongoing failure to adult with spouse or family is a big deal to God.
If you are facing one of these things in your spouse, I suggest you get help before you take action. Seek medical or legal help as needed.
~ This is Paul, and Adulting Well can be difficult and painful at times.
Third decent rain in a week.
Got through another fire season!
Image Credits: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & © © Paul H Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 7, 2026 | Adulting
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46cdFeT
This week I want to talk about “Adulting”. By that I mean doing the things that need to be done, including at times hard things. “I can’t adult” is a humorous way younger generations express how hard it can be to do what needs to be done. But failure to adult has been around a lot longer.
A marriage where neither person adults well is going to be a messy thing. When it’s mostly one person, the other is likely very frustrated. Neither results in a healthy marriage.
Before I get too far into what it means to adult, I want to deal with unreasonable expectations. When I was young, you were expected to have a perfect house at all times, regardless of what was happening in your life. This put a lot of pressure on people, and especially on the wife.
What we should aim for is a balance. Sometimes life is crazy, and you have to let a few things go. Never going to bed with dishes in the sink is a great goal, but if you’re a slave to that, a good thing becomes a bad thing. And if your spouse expects you to do the dishes before bed even when you are physically, mentally, or emotionally exhausted, that’s getting uncomfortably close to abuse.
The great thing is you have two adults in your marriage, and when one can’t do their part, the other can help out. Lori has been sick for more than a month, so I am doing most of what she usually does, plus taking care of her. I’ve been working on balance. Fortunately my wife is very reasonable. She doesn’t expect me to do things the way she would. Additionally, she has encouraged me to take care of myself, which includes sometimes letting something go for a while. For my part, I’ve done some things I don’t care about, or wouldn’t care about for another week or two, because I know doing them blessed her.
Adulting should be a joint effort in your marriage, and it should flow and shift as life changes. Saying “I can’t adult today” is an acceptable thing to say; as long as you don’t say it too often or expect too much when you say it.
~ This is Paul, and Adulting Well looks different for every couple.
We bought an old walk-in fridge. We will use it as a root cellar and for hanging pigs and deer.
It came in pieces, but we got it together, and the cooling unit works.
Image Credits: © Paul H Byerly created with Nano Banana 2 & © Paul H Byerly
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