by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 2, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47fRjtH
Many couples’ sex lives are littered with incorrect assumptions.
I’ve probably mentioned before the young couple Lori and I were working with who did this. As I was out with him getting some ice, Lori was with her finishing the dinner we would share. We both learned that the one we were with really wanted to try rear-entry sex but was sure their spouse would be offended by the idea. I wonder how many couples go years without doing something they would both enjoy because of such assumptions?
I’ll run through a few sexual assumptions. Might any of these be a factor in your marriage?
Good Girls Don’t: Some ladies who stay completely sexless go into marriage ready to make up for lost time. Perhaps your wife is holding out because she fears what you will think. Or perhaps your husband is holding back because he fears what his “good girl” will think about him. The way to deal with this is to mention something just past what you do now and see what kind of reaction you get. And don’t assume surprise means they dislike what you said.
Her Not Having An Orgasm: Be it regular or occasional, most women fail to orgasm from time to time. Some are fine with that, and say they sometimes enjoy sex without it. And some are as upset about it as any man would be. Many men have been told it’s not that important for a woman, and may assume that is true if she says nothing. He may remain quiet to avoid embarrassing her. And she may assume him not saying anything means he doesn’t care.
He Knows I Orgasmed: He may not. Or he may think you did not when you did. If he asks, don’t get upset. It means he can’t tell, and he cares. You don’t have to scream it out as it happens, but at least occasionally commenting on it is helpful.
What We Do Works for Both of Us: If you don’t talk about it, you can’t know this. Embarrassment can keep couples from talking openly about sex, and that is a breeding ground for assumptions. Both women and men put up with sex that is far from what they want because they don’t think their spouse would be willing to change. You have not because you ask not.
It’s Still Good For Them: Bodies and desires change over time. What was great a decade ago might be so-so now. On the other side, what was off the table in the past might now be desired. Addressing things that don’t work any more is not rejection; it’s an invitation to something better.
He Learned That from Porn: Most men spend a lot of time thinking about sex, and new ways to do it. He might also have heard about it from a friend or a non-pornographic media source. Don’t underestimate how often he has sex with you in his head!
They Must Be Having An Affair: Folks think this when their spouse suddenly does something different, wants more sex, or seems less interested in sex. There are many other reasons for all of these. Assuming adultery is never a good idea.
Think about the sex life you share with your spouse. What parts of it have never been openly discussed? Those are all places where assumptions could be lurking. What do you need to bring into the light?
~ This is Paul, and assumptions get in the way of Doing Sex Well.
Bacon from last year’s pig and eggs from our turkey.
Yes, Chiana is still laying eggs in October. Crazy bird!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 1, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4z5qELR
Assumptions are so durable they easily survive the relationship that created them. We then apply them to the next person who has a similar place in our life. Even if the assumption was true for our last relationship, that does not make it true for the person we married.
Due to our age and inexperience, we tend to make more assumptions in our early romantic relationships than we do later. But unless we make an effort to jettison those assumptions, we unthinkingly paint them onto our spouse.
So let’s look at some assumptions you might put on your spouse based on your first boy or girlfriend.
What Silence Means: I’ve already covered this one, but it’s worth reiterating it. Silence means they are not talking, and there are many reasons for that.
I’d Know if They Were Upset: Some folks are quick to be vocal about feeling hurt or wronged. Others take time to process. And some have a bad habit of burying it. Assuming ‘No news is good news” is dangerous.
She Needs Space: Perhaps that was true when your first girlfriend acted as your wife is currently acting. But your wife might desperately want you to reach out to her, and see you not doing so as an indication you don’t care about her. A quick “Do you want to be alone?” is a good check.
Arguing with Him Won’t Make a Difference: Maybe he is more reasonable and more open to your thoughts than the 17-year-old guy who was neither. And he may assume your saying nothing means you have no objection.
They Know How That Makes Me Feel: Perhaps a previous love interest did. Maybe they knew because you had a discussion with them, which you’ve not had with your spouse. Or you think it has to be obvious. If it has not been spoken, you may not be on the same page.
Treat everything you thought you knew from past relationships as a potential wrong assumption about the person you live with today. Can you find a place where you do that, and make a conscious effort to stop?
~ This is Paul, assuming you want to Do Marriage Well.
Blanched, bagged, and ready to freeze.
To enjoy Thanksgiving, Christmas, and beyond.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 30, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46WYFC2
I was recently on a message board with a fellow who had a very narrow and very negative understanding of Christians. Several people posted evidence-based information to help him see there was more to it, but he rejected every attempt. He had an assumption and was not going to allow facts to change his view.
Most of us have biases and assumptions about the opposite sex. You hear it all the time in phrases such as “Men only want…” and “All women are…” The fact that most men are a certain way doesn’t mean your husband is. The fact that many women feel a certain way doesn’t mean your wife does.
Most of our gender assumptions go back to before we were married. Some came from one of our parents. Others we got from our friends growing up. Media can also play a part. Some of what you have accepted you would reject if it were given to you for the first time now as an adult. When you were young, you were looking for understanding and often accepted what seemed like knowledge without vetting it. You had less experience to help you see other possibilities and possibly peer pressure. Once those assumptions were made, they got locked away. We continue to think such things are valid, even though they were based on no real evidence.
Beyond that, what might have been true for most teenage boys may not be true for adult men. Likewise for teenage girls and women.
Challenging our assumptions is difficult because they are such an integral part of our thinking. It’s like a mathematical constant we’ve learned and don’t question.
One indication you have some wrong assumptions would be regular confusion or frustration between you and your spouse. Perhaps one of you is working with an understanding that is no longer true. Any time you have a disagreement, it’s wise to check your assumptions if you haven’t done so recently.
We can also wrongly assume our spouse is okay with, or willing to put up with, something. Or, perhaps that was true in the past but isn’t now. Or it’s not true under specific circumstances.
Living well with your spouse requires having the right information. Loving your spouse well also requires the right information. Limit assumptions, and check them regularly.
~ This is Paul, and working with wrong ideas gets in the way of Doing Marriage Well.
If you have ever lived on a county-maintained dirt road, you know what a beautiful sight this is.
No more WaShBoArD
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 29, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4rKuSGo
Let’s look at some reasons we make assumptions in our marriages.
Assumed Agreement: If you say something and your spouse makes no reply, it’s tempting to assume they agree with you. But they may not. They might not be paying attention to you. They might not agree but feel it’s not worth a potential argument. Ask yourself if it’s safe to disagree with you. Do you argue your point too strongly for your spouse’s liking?
Assumed Consistency: What we think and feel about things changes over time. This can even happen with big deal issues we feel strongly about. We assume our spouse’s thoughts and feelings are unchanged unless they have told us otherwise. Is this a fair assumption? Does your spouse go out of their way to communicate changes? Again, might they not want the likely argument?
Assumption Based on Mood: If your spouse is in a bad mood, you may assume they will not be interested in talking with you or doing something you would like to do with them. You might be right. And you might not. Maybe spending time with you is exactly what they need to shift that mood. And please, do NOT get upset at your spouse because you decided they would say no and never asked.
Insecurity-Based Assumption: Our own fear and doubt can bias our thinking about our spouse, leading to assumptions that are way off base. For example, if your spouse is quiet or distracted, insecurity whispers, “They’re pulling away, they’re tired of me, or I did something wrong.”
Assumed Similarity: This is thinking, “If I were in their shoes, I’d be mad.” But your spouse is a different person, and they may process things differently, faster or slower, or more or less reasonably than you do.
Assuming Intent: I’ve hit this one before, but it’s worth another mention. Assuming your spouse meant for what hurt you to hurt you is a bad plan. Assuming why they do anything is a good way to make a mess.
As I said yesterday, our brains are all about making assumptions. Fighting that can only improve our marriages.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Due to a cool, wet spring, only one of our first plantings of corn came up. And it was late.
It’s not full, but it is an ear of corn, and it was yummy.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 28, 2026 | Assuming
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hsGsRL
An assumption is something that you accept as true or take for granted without concrete proof or evidence. ~ Cambridge Dictionary
The truth is our brains tend to prefer assumptions, quick guesses, over long, thought-out decisions. If you’re in danger, a fast decision is more likely to save you than doing nothing while you ponder. But there are situations where a wrong assumption can be disastrous. So while our brains favour them, we need to be wise about where an assumption is okay, and where it’s not.
Marriage is a place where assumptions are more likely to cause problems than work for us. It’s exceptionally common to find a wrong assumption at the root of a fight, problem, or hurt feelings.
If a couple is able to express their thoughts and feelings well and freely, wrong assumptions rarely last and don’t usually cause much harm. This is why being able to communicate is so important. It’s also why having a regular check-in is useful.
When wrong assumptions persist, they tend to grow. An assumption can be like a log that gets stuck between two rocks on opposite sides of a small river. Other things get caught by the log, and eventually a makeshift dam appears. That alone can cause issues, and when it breaks, the surge of water, or emotions, can do damage.
May I suggest you get in the habit of checking every assumption you make about your spouse? A quick “Do you mean…” or “Are you thinking…” could save a lot of frustration – or worse. You can also go after potential assumptions by your spouse. Say something such as, “When I said ABC, did you think XYZ?”
We’ll be digging into this topic all week. I bet you assumed that!
~ This is Paul, and assuming is not Doing Marriage Well.
We had a mass escape, with five turkeys going over the wire and into the garden.
Fortunately they don’t run away like chickens. Got them all home and fixed the hole in the top.
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