by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 15, 2025 | Being Heard
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fHDdoa
Being heard about sex is a big deal. Sex is personal, and we only share it with our spouse, and when we don’t feel heard about sex, it hurts.
Because men and women are so different sexually, not feeling heard may be the norm. What’s more, if one spouse is uncomfortable talking about sex, they may never communicate that they don’t feel heard.
I could give a lot of examples, but I will just do one for each gender.
Earlier this week, I mentioned in passing men wanting their wife to initiate sex. Most men feel their wife either doesn’t do that, or doesn’t do it nearly often enough. Usually the husband has been very clear he wants this, and when his wife doesn’t do it, he questions her interest in sex, and her sexual desire for him. He may also feel unloved in general because of this.
Many women feel the words their husband uses for sex are a turn off. It’s also common to feel some of what he wants is cheesy or disrespectful. Perhaps hubby has not gotten her hints about these things, but she feels she has stated her feelings, and his continuing to do these things makes her feel unloved and possibly used.
If you don’t feel you can do what your spouse wants, please make sure they know you have heard them. Try to understand the why behind what they want, and look for a way to give them the heart of what they desire.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
The turkeys checking the hill for bugs
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 14, 2025 | Being Heard
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4mbhBml
On Tuesday, I mentioned knowing the why behind your spouse’s words and desires. Why is a huge marriage issue, and I will probably do a week about it sometime.
Knowing why your spouse wants or feels they need something can change things substantially. For example, a wife felt untrusted because her husband wanted to be able to track her phone. When she learned he worries about her, and feels better knowing he can find her if she drives off the road in a snow storm, she felt loved and cared for.
The difficulty is why is not always easy to know. Often we have no idea why we feel strongly about something; we just do! Why often goes back to when we were children, possible before we have conscious memories. The women who felt untrusted by her husband wanting to track her may have defaulted to that because her parents didn’t trust her when she was doing everything right. The husband who felt a need to know where his wife is may have lost someone in an accident. Or he might have been lost himself for what seemed a very long time as a young child.
If you can’t explain why something matters to you, be honest about that. Do try to express how strong the need is. You can also share reasons you don’t feel as you do. Something like “It’s not because I distrust you” or “I don’t feel you are controlling” for example.
If your spouse can’t give you a why, be understanding of that. Good questions might help them figure it out, but don’t push if they get frustrated.
~ This is Paul, and knowing why makes it easier to Do Marriage Well.
My tape measure doesn’t have “elephant’s eye” on it, but the corn is getting tall.
We should be eating the first planting in a week or so. Yes, that’s a turkey in the background, upper left. I’ll get a better picture of them soon.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 13, 2025 | Being Heard
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3HcfWOt
You may have noticed I have said your spouse needs to FEEL heard. This is about his or her perception.
I’ve never been a fan of the statement that perception is reality. Perception is subjective, shaped by individual experiences, biases, and interpretations. Perception can be inaccurate or dead wrong. However, our perspective, flawed as it may be, is our view of reality. And arguing about your spouse’s perception not being right isn’t going to change their mind.
If your spouse does not feel heard, they have all the negative emotions that come with that. And that is hurting your marriage, even if it’s not true.
It’s our responsibility to find a way to communicate truth to our spouse. As that can take more than words, it could mean going outside our comfort zone. But if we don’t do it, they remain in a place of pain.
The other part of this is that working to convince them we do hear them may show us we don’t fully get the heart of what they say as well as we thought.
~ This is Paul, and I’m glad that Doing Marriage Well doesn’t require agreeing on the colour of a pillow!
Speaking of blue or green, the line between the two colours varies a great deal between people. You can learn where you fall by taking the test at Is my blue your blue? My boundary is at hue 173, greener than average. For me, turquoise is blue.
A better picture of the chicken moat I mentioned yesterday.
The fences are four foot high, but close enough deer won’t jump in-between them. The moat circles the community garden. In addition to keeping out deer, this lets the chickens free-range, and they help keep bugs and small vermin out of the garden.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 12, 2025 | Being Heard
Podcast: https://bit.ly/45eTldh
So, how do you make your spouse feel heard?
First, let’s talk about what it means to feel heard. Just hearing our spouse’s words does not mean we’ve heard them. Being able to parrot back the words doesn’t mean we have heard them.
Being heard is about our hearts. It means our feelings, fears, wants, needs, and desires have been heard and understood. It goes way beyond being able to repeat the words. It doesn’t require agreeing. You can hear and disagree, and that’s way better than feeling unheard.
Repeating what your spouse said in your own words, and getting confirmation you got it right, is a good start. But the real goal is to understand what is behind those words. Why does it matter to her that you take her out regularly? Why does it matter to him that you sometimes initiate sex? What drives her need for more conversation? Why is he so desperate to share leisure activities with you?
When you know the why behind the words, you can really fulfil your spouse. You can go beyond acting out what they have asked for, and give them what they desire in a rich variety of ways. In doing this, you will give your spouse the rare blessing of feeling fully heard.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Aldrich Minsties’ Fall e-letter is out. Check it out for new offerings, including an annual marriage check up, something I have long advocated.
The sunflowers are starting to bloom. We got them in late, but they will have time to ripen.
Behind them are some chickens in their moat.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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