by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 7, 2025 | Being Together
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nMbRQj
This week I’ve said a good marriage requires plenty of time together. This extends to the bedroom.
Yes, I’m talking about intimacy. But not about sex.
Snuggling with my wife in the morning is the best part of my day. Back when I had to jump out of bed when the alarm rang, we got our snuggle in before falling asleep.
I’m not going to tell you that you can’t have a great marriage without a lot of snuggle, but it’s a powerful tool towards that end. It makes you feel closer, and it helps fill the wife’s need for non-sexual touch.
Something else that helps make a great marriage is sleeping together. Again not sex, I’m talking about going to bed together, and getting up together. Or at least one of those if you need vastly different amounts of sleep.
The growing trend of sleeping in separate beds, or even separate rooms, is not healthy for couples’ relationships. I realise for some, it may seem the only way to get a good night’s sleep. But that’s not true for most couples. Things like a larger top sheet and blanket, or separate covers on the same bed, can help with cover stealing. If movement is a problem, get a mattress that doesn’t translate movement. A sleep number type bed with controls for each half is a great way to do this. And white noise is a good sleep aid for anyone.
Snoring? Yeah, been there. Not me, my lovely wife. I’ve lost some sleep over the years, but I wouldn’t trade that for what sharing a bed does for our marriage. We manage with high quality ear plugs and an excellent snore guard. If you can share a bed, I strongly suggest you do so.
If you can’t share a bed, be intentional about making time to snuggle together in bed. The one who wakes first can slip into bed with the other. Or the one who falls asleep last can snuggle till their spouse is asleep, and then sneak away.
~ This is Paul, and some things make Doing Marriage Well easier.
RETURN TO THE MOTHER SHIP!
All 12 of our surprise chicks are doing well. They have become use to me, but mom still fusses at me when I get too close.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 6, 2025 | Being Together
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47MFH12
All this talk about spending a lot of time with your spouse is great, but what about military personnel? And to a lesser extent, first responders.
First, I have the utmost respect for these folks. I am very thankful there are people who feel called to do these difficult, critical jobs.
Long hours and months of separation are not the only issue. The spouse is aware of how dangerous the job is. It’s always in the back of their mind, and it does impact their relationship.
I’ve known solid couples where one spouse had such a job. But they seem to be the minority.
These marriages require specific skills: extreme flexibility, independence during separations, emotional resilience, the ability to reintegrate after time apart, tolerance for uncertainty, and strong community support. These can be developed, but they’re challenging.
These marriages need support and help. It requires help from those who have been trained to help military or first responder couples. Ideally, you want someone who has lived that life. This is one of those places where experience trumps theory by a great deal. This is why military and police wives’ friends are so often other such women. And it’s why such couples may not find the help they need from therapists or counsellors who have not served. The military and larger police and fire departments provide such help.
These couples can also benefit from help from the rest of us. Give emotional support. Make sure the often alone spouse is included in activities, and help with children as you can.
“Thank you for your service” is great. “How can I help you” is better.
~ This is Paul, and some jobs make Doing Marriage Well a challenge.
For some reason, turkeys form huge flocks this time of year.
If you honk, they move faster, both ways, back and forth across the road.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 5, 2025 | Being Together
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LgooOp
When I ran my first post for this week through AI editing, it gave me a couple of warnings:
- Introverts legitimately need alone time to recharge.
- Some couples genuinely thrive with more independence.
- Too much time together can inhibit personal growth.
So let’s explore these a bit.
My wife is an introvert. My son is a hard introvert. I understand being an introvert as much as a non-introvert can. I work to accommodate my wife’s legitimate introvert needs. I have learned to “fly under the radar” as she puts it, giving her needed space and quiet. So most of the time, being with just me is nearly as good as being alone. I also have a couple of regular things out of the home that give her real alone time. We managed nine months on the road in an RV without her suffering.
The second one is trickier. “More independence” means less interdependence. It means less time together. Yes, some folks do thrive this way, but do their marriages thrive? Studies find that marriage health is correlated with the amount of quality time couples share. God called us to be one flesh. That’s really, really close! I think too much “independence” gets in the way of what God intended. Being so independent you’re functionally roommates isn’t what we are called to!
As for the last one, I find the exact opposite to be true in our marriage. We are both very much about what the other wants to do. We support and encourage each other’s goals and growth. If we weren’t proactive about this, and generous about what growth may require, I could see it being an issue. But if your approach is good, it won’t be a problem.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires doing it together!
I finally got a picture of the dromedary.
Yes, we have a dromedary a few miles from us. It’s on a personal farm with llamas and sheep. It’s been there at least a decade.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 4, 2025 | Being Together
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Lk1eGO
I mentioned yesterday that many tossed out the word codependent in discussing couples who are close and spend a great deal of time together. So let’s address that.
Being codependent means you need another person to function. You can’t make decisions alone, can’t “adult” on your own, and fear of abandonment drives your choices.
Compare that to healthy interdependence, which means a couple chooses to be together a great deal. They provide mutual support while maintaining their individuality, autonomy, and self-esteem. It means you make each other better. You’re not just better as a couple than you would be alone, you’re better as individuals than you would be without each other.
Codependence means you can’t do life alone. Healthy interdependence means you can do life alone, but you don’t want to.
I spend so much time with Lori because I enjoy her. I love sharing my life with her, and having her share her life with me. I value her input, even when she challenges what I think or do. And because of that, I have become a far better man than I would have been without her.
I missed her while she was gone, but life went on. I moved some fruit trees and bushes. I put up some drywall and altered a counter to make room to move the chest freezer into the house. I went to a native heritage dinner with friends. I spoke at church to introduce a new missionary we are supporting. And yes, ladies, I left the kitchen clean, and emptied the trash.
I don’t like adulting without my wife, but I am fully able to do it. My wife is my partner, not my crutch.
When a couple is codependent, one spouse becomes a caretaker, sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the other. One dysfunctional person requires the other to function. The caretaker does what they do because of their own dysfunction, finding worth and value in being needed. If you find yourself in such a relationship, please get professional help.
Codependence is a real thing. But it’s become a psychobabble word that gets thrown around by folks who have no idea what it means. In a world where many couples are not as close as they should be, those who have a solid relationship may be called codependent from time to time.
~ This is Paul, and life is better with a loving spouse!
Here are the dancers and story tellers from the native heritage dinner.
The tall fellow centre back is 77, and has been doing this since he was nine. The young lady is eleven, and this was her first performance.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 3, 2025 | Being Together
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47KsHcm
I suspect I’m going to ruffle some feathers this week as I discuss this. Feel free to push back in the comments!
Lori spent the weekend at a women’s retreat. She said it was great, but we both missed being together. It’s been a year since we were apart overnight. It’s something we don’t do often: half a dozen or fewer days a year.
I think I’ve mentioned friends who said Lori and I spend too much time together. As if it’s somehow unhealthy. Which is exactly what I found when I did a bit of Googling on couples who spend most of their time together.
- It’s unhealthy, when they make their world about each other to find one day they are alone.
- Too much is not good. It shows a clingy or needy person.
- Such a relationship is unstable.
- Being together all the time isn’t healthy.
- If you spend too much time together, you can lose your personality.
And of course, the word codependent was thrown around a good deal.
Much of what I saw seemed to be folks trying to justify what they do in their marriage. I don’t want to be guilty of that, and as I always say, “Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple”.
The reality is, few folks could spend as much time together as Lori and I do. We’ve both worked from home for twenty years now. We do have our own friends, and we do things that don’t involve the other. We do spend time apart, but not a lot of it. This is, by design, as it’s our mutual choice. I don’t think other couples need to do the same.
That said, I find a lot of couples spend very little time together. Some studies say the average couple has two to three hours of interaction a day. But they counted meals, watching TV, or any other time the couple was in the same room. If she’s on her phone, and he’s on his laptop, and they don’t talk for an hour, I don’t call that interaction. It’s certainly not quality time. Proximity ≠ presence!
Studies that look at real communication about things other than the kids or the house, put the average at 5 to 15 minutes a day, depending on the study. How can you have a deep, meaning full relationship with someone if you spend so little time sharing your life with them?
May I suggest you take a bit of time to think about how much time you really engage with your spouse? Is that enough, or would you like more? Might your spouse want more?
~ This is Paul, and I am so glad to have my wife back!
Programming note: I’ll get back to motivation next week!
Widget also missed Lori.
Tilly seemed vaguely aware she was gone the last morning.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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