by PAUL BYERLY | May 22, 2026 | Biases
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fACUNQ
Biases certainly mess with our sex lives. Nervousness, lack of sexual information, and difficulty communicating about sex all make it worse. Let’s look at a few common examples.
Frequency:
It’s been said if you want to know how often a couple has sex, you ask both of them and then average their answers. The higher-drive spouse tends to underestimate how often sex occurs, while the lower-drive one tends to overestimate frequency. Several of the biases I talked about this week are at play here.
The simple solution to this is to keep track. A smiley face on the calendar when you have sex, for example. The odds are you will both be surprised.
They Know I Wanted Sex:
If you send a hint you want sex, and sex does not occur, do you assume your spouse knew what you wanted and turned you down? Telling yourself they knew doesn’t mean they did. Even if they got the hint, they may think a hint indicates a weak desire, and that a strong desire would be expressed more openly.
You Loved Your Boyfriend More:
I’ve had a number of men complain their wives gave one or more boyfriends oral sex but won’t give it to hubby. Rather than seeing it as a good thing that she feels able to say no to a sex act she dislikes, most men take this as a slight.
You Signalled ‘No Sex Tonight”:
A spouse looking for sex may interpret certain words, phrases, or actions as a silent “Not tonight”. Phrases such as “I’m tired” or “I have a long day tomorrow” might be seen as “Don’t ask”. Ironically, they might be saying, “If you want sex, ask now, not later.”
What a spouse wears to bed may also be taken as a signal. If she usually comes to bed naked, does a nightgown mean “Forget it”? Or maybe it just means she’s cold! BTW, the opposite happens too, with less clothing being seen as a request for sex.
The Meaning of Her Orgasm:
Men ascribe all kinds of meaning to their wives having an orgasm. It means the sex was good. It means she is glad she had sex. It means their relationship is okay. The reality is orgasm is an involuntary reflex. Provide enough of the right stimulation, and it can happen even if she would rather not be having sex. And some women orgasm very easily.
Men also ascribe things to their wives not having an orgasm. It means she’s upset. It means she didn’t enjoy making love, never mind that she said she did. It means she is attracted to someone else. The reality is, for some women, orgasm is difficult. For some it takes a good deal of effort, which she might not be up to on some occasions. A woman’s cycle can also make orgasm difficult or nearly impossible at times. Understanding the biology helps us stop making it a ‘test’ of our worth as a lover or a spouse.
Biases will try to fill the vacuum when we lack information and communication. But they will give us more wrong ideas than right ones.
~ This is Paul, and biases interfere with Doing Sex Well.
The purple irises are about to open.
The yellow ones are two weeks ahead of them.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 21, 2026 | Biases
Podcast: https://bit.ly/498tN36
Three more biases: the Zeigarnik Effect, Negativity Bias, and The False Consensus Effect. (Who names these things?)
The Zeigarnik Effect is our tendency to remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones. So you recall the times your spouse didn’t finish something very clearly but tend to forget the times they completed a task. This skews your internal count.
Negativity Bias is the tendency to focus on negative experiences more than positive ones. To some degree, this is human nature. But some of us tend to be negative in general. In marriage this causes us to dwell on conflicts and problems rather than celebrating successes and good times together.
The False Consensus Effect is overestimating how much others share your opinions and beliefs. This can lead to assuming your spouse feels as you do about something and then being upset when you discover they do not.
This bias can also lead to mind reading, miscommunications, and frustration when spouses assume their partner shares their perspective, only to discover that they do not.
The bias can play out as assuming our friends agree with us about something we disagree with our spouse about. We think everyone agrees with us, making us less willing to attempt to understand what our spouse thinks.
There are plenty of other biases that can mess with how we see our spouse. The best way to avoid all of them is to keep asking yourself if you might have misunderstood or made a wrong assumption. Question what you think, then seek clarification from your spouse.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple. (And my wife does not agree with me on the ‘correct’ way to hang the toilet paper. ***note from Lori: because she is right about it***
All 14 turkey eggs hatched.
They are different sizes beause they hatched over about three weeks.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 20, 2026 | Biases
Podcast: URL
Today our cognitive biases are the Availability Heuristic and Anchoring Bias.
Availability Heuristic is overestimating the importance of easily recalled information. This can be things which have happened a few times recently, or things given more weight than they should. For example, plane crashes are rare, but they get a lot of news time. Car accidents, which happen all the time, get far less attention from the media. So we might think flying is more dangerous than driving, or fail to understand how much safer flying is.
In marriage we’re better at recalling what we do than what our spouse does, so we give what we do too much weight. Or, if our spouse made a mistake once or twice recently, we see that rather than the many, many times they did it right before that. This one also tags our past; if a previous partner did something hurtful many times, that carries more weight than our new spouse doing it right every time but fewer times than our ex.
I have suggested in the past that a good way to track change is to mentally plot the high points. Doing that will help you overcome the availability heuristic.
Anchoring Bias is allowing an initial, strong impression to disproportionately influence current perceptions, ignoring more recent performance. The first time something happens anchors our understanding, belief, or expectation. This could be the first time we experienced something, or the first time we experienced it with a certain person, such as our spouse.
In marriage, this is one more block to seeing growth and change in your spouse. Or, we see the changes, but we fear they will return to what they did first, even if there is no evidence to support that. Or perhaps we want it done well as many times as it was done wrong before we accept the change is real. If we thought this through, we would realise it’s neither fair nor realistic. But the anchoring bias makes it feel right if we don’t work through it mentally.
Not seeing or acknowledging change leads to frustration. If your spouse works hard to improve, and you ignore it, they’ll wonder why they bothered. If they did it wrong for years, odds are they will not spend years doing it right without any change on your part.
Another way this plays out is unrealistic initial promises or expectations. If these become anchors, it can be difficult to come to a more reasonable agreement.
If you want to fight this bias, challenge your assumptions. When you think “He always does that” or “She never does such and such”, stop and ask if that is true. Was it once true, but is not now? Does it still happen, but not as often or as bad?
~ This is Paul, and acknowledging change is Doing Marriage Well.
Might rain
And it did!
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 19, 2026 | Biases
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3R9ef99
Today’s cognitive biases are Fundamental Attribution Error & Self-Serving Bias.
Fundamental Attribution Error is the tendency to attribute your own negative actions to external circumstances, while attributing your partner’s behaviour to their character.
So when you’re rude, it’s because you were stressed or rushed. When she’s rude, it’s because she’s selfish. If he leaves the dishes undone, it’s because he’s lazy. If you leave them undone, it’s because you had a horrible day or you’re getting sick. When you’re late, it’s due to unforeseen traffic. When your spouse is late, it’s because they are unreliable or refuse to keep track of time. When you don’t want to talk, it’s because you had a mentally exhausting day and need space. When they don’t want to talk, they are grumpy or don’t care about you.
In short, we give ourselves every possible benefit of the doubt, plus a few that are questionable. But we don’t cut our spouse much, if any, slack. We’re better than them, and they need to step up their game! The result is in anger and a sense of betrayal.
A way to challenge this is to try to find valid reasons. So, for example, the next time your spouse is late, try to invent three ‘external’ excuses for them (traffic, a last-minute phone call, a lost key) instead of a ‘character’ flaw.
Self-Serving Bias is a tendency to take credit for successes while blaming our spouse for failures. It can also manifest as minimising your mistakes while exaggerating those of your spouse.
When your marriage gets better, it’s because of the hard work you’ve put in. When your relationship suffers, it’s because of what your spouse has been doing wrong. You see the things you do around the house as more difficult or more important than the things your partner does. Arguments are always her fault, never your fault. When he hurts you, you’re a victim. When you hurt him, he needs to stop being so sensitive.
This bias can make your spouse feel unseen, unheard, or unfairly blamed. It undermines compassion and trust.
Both of the biases are based on retelling the facts to make ourselves better and our spouse worse. This is normal human behaviour we use to protect ourselves. But being normal doesn’t make it right. Nor does it keep it from hurting our spouse and our marriage.
Being able to accurately see ourselves and what we do is far more difficult than it should be. But it’s necessary for a healthy, growing marriage. One way to work on this is to ask a trusted friend to get in your business and tell you when they think you’re being unfair.
~ This is Paul, and seeing yourself honestly makes it so much easier to Do Marriage Well.
Lori is well loved.
And silly.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 18, 2026 | Biases
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4u0hc9P
This week I want to talk about cognitive biases that can limit and hurt our marriages.
I don’t offer these so you can accuse your spouse of them. Seeing them in your spouse can help you navigate a situation better, but unless you’ve discussed biases and your spouse is open to you pointing them out, you’re probably better off not identifying them as they happen.
My primary reason for sharing these is so you can see them in yourself. These biases alter how we see reality, and that can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguments. As we go through the week, consider each bias, and ask yourself if you are given to it.
First we have Confirmation Bias. You interpret your spouse’s words or actions to fit your pre-existing belief. Your belief may be based on what they have done in the past or your own stuff. Either way, you see what you expect to see, rather than what is really there.
To see how this plays out in the living room or the kitchen, let’s look at a few common scenarios:
- The Underappreciated Spouse
A wife believes her husband doesn’t notice her efforts at home. When he walks past a clean kitchen without comment, she sees that as proof. When he thanks her for dinner, she dismisses it as automatic politeness. Her belief replaces reality as she plays up confirming evidence and downplays evidence to the contrary.
- The Criticism Loop
A husband believes his wife is hypercritical. He braces for criticism in every conversation, making him defensive. His defensiveness frustrates her, making her more critical. His original belief is self-fulfilling, but he is blind to his part.
- The Jealous Partner
A spouse suspects infidelity. A late meeting is proof. A normal meeting is suspicious. Friendliness toward an attractive person is a red flag. Coldness toward the same person is guilt. Fear colours every action, piling up more supposed proof of cheating.
- The Incompatible Couple
During a rough patch, one spouse decides they want such different things that they are incompatible. From then on, every disagreement is seen as proof of deep incompatibility, while areas of agreement are ignored.
Please challenge your negative beliefs about your spouse. Even if there was once truth there, people grow and change. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and look for change.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when you see reality.
Snapped this at a friend’s house.
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