by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 12, 2026 | Broken Behaviour
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4ee2JRv
Broken behaviours and sex – plenty to choose from!
Not asking for what you need is a big one.
One version of this is saying nothing about not having an orgasm. I realise some women sometimes enjoy sex without an orgasm, and that’s fine. But I suspect women sometimes tell themselves it’s okay because they know it’s not going to happen regardless of what they want. And then of course there are the times it doesn’t happen because he’s clueless, needs better feedback, or is selfish. And that’s not okay. If you want to orgasm, you should have one. And saying nothing when you want to and don’t is a broken behaviour.
By the way, this is not just a female issue. Some studies have found that up to a third of men have faked an orgasm. It could be he is struggling and is embarrassed. Or he may be afraid he is taking too long. This is particularly likely if the sex is “just for him”. He fears that if he’s not quick, she will get upset. And that might keep her from saying yes in the future.
Another way this plays out is not asking for what you need for sex to work for you. Most women need plenty of foreplay for sex to be good. Even if they manage to climax with short foreplay, it feels rushed and is not as good as it could have been with proper warm-up. Fear of “taking too long” is a big factor here. But it takes as long as it takes, and you deserve sex to be good for you.
Again, this is not just a female issue. As a man gets older, he needs more foreplay. He may be embarrassed about this and not ask. This results in poor erections, having to wear himself out to reach climax, weak orgasms, and other problems. His broken behaviour keeps him from asking for what he needs to make sex good for him.
Beyond what we need, there is what we want. I want to go beyond what my wife needs; I want to give her what she wants. That can be tricky if what one of you wants is distasteful or distracting to the other. But if you don’t express the desire, you can’t discuss it.
I know sex is more difficult to discuss than most things. Our past injuries, our fear of rejection, and possibly lack of language for sexual things are all obstacles. But it won’t get better if you ignore it, and it’s hurting your marriage. So take a breath, open the dialogue, and make that effort together.
~ This is Paul, and asking for what you want and need is Doing Sex Well!
Throw the stick, Dad!
And I did! 😎
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 11, 2026 | Broken Behaviour
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vaOIeU
Today’s broken behaviour is allowing your spouse to mischaracterise, exaggerate, or refuse to let go of your wrongs.
We all do things that annoy, inconvenience, or hurt our spouse. Some are born of cluelessness or mistakes. Others are a result of selfishness or a hard day. And sometimes, in our worst moments, we may intentionally hurt our spouse because of our own pain. The last is more serious and needs to be addressed more seriously.
These things happen when you live with someone. That doesn’t make it okay, but the reality is they happen. We should confess, repent if needed, and apologise for all of these things. And usually, that should be that. If you do the same thing over and over, that’s an issue that needs extra attention. But occasional things, or things you’re getting better at, should be forgiven and let go. For serious issues, that will take longer, but it should happen.
But what if your spouse won’t forgive and let go? Or say they do, but then bring those things back to life?
Perhaps they exaggerate what you did. It goes from you stepping on their toe to them claiming you stomped on their foot. They make it bigger, worse, or more frequent than it actually happens. Assigning intention where there was none is another way of doing this: claiming that stepping on their toe was not an accident but that you meant to do it.
Then there is refusing to let go of something well in the past. It might have happened once or many times, but you haven’t done it in months or years. Yet they still bring it up.
Doing these things is a tactic. It’s playing the victim or looking for sympathy. It might be to distract from what they are doing they shouldn’t or not doing what they should. Or they might want to make you feel bad so they can manipulate you and get you to do something you don’t want to do.
Allowing your spouse to get away with any of these things is a broken behaviour on your part. When it happens, push back. Say, “I apologised” or “We dealt with that.” Say these calmly, flatly, and without anger. Beyond that, don’t give in to manipulation. Do what’s right because it’s right, and don’t feel you must make up for something in the past if you already dealt with it. See what they are doing for what it is, and refuse to play their game.
~ This is Paul, and putting up with manipulation is not Doing Marriage Well.
I’ve noticed a lot more sheep being raised around here the last few years.
They turn grass into meat. What a deal!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 10, 2026 | Broken Behaviour
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4xBV88v
Today’s broken behaviour is allowing discussions to be sidetracked or hijacked. Sometimes this is poor communication skills or rudeness. And sometimes it’s a tactic to prevent you from saying what you need to say or getting resolution to a problem. Dealing with the situation is the same, regardless of why it happens.
Let me start by saying you have the right to be heard and to have your concern addressed. If that does not happen, there is a problem. If you allow your spouse to avoid hearing you or addressing your concern, that is your broken behaviour.
The most common version of this is diverting from what you say. You mention the trash is overflowing, and he asks, “Did you finish the laundry?” You pointed out something he has agreed to do has not been done, and he counters by asking if you have done something you have agreed to do.
Another version of this is “You do it too!” You say to your wife that she has been rude all day, and she replies by reliving how you were rude to her several days ago. And also last Saturday!
Then there is the ‘best defence is a good offence’ version. Your concern is met with something totally unrelated. This is common in full-on arguments, with one or both spouses adding unrelated things to the fire.
All of these have the same goal: derail the conversation so they don’t have to deal with their actions or failures. They can’t defend what they did, so they try to change the subject. If you allow that, the relationship loses because the issue never gets resolved.
When this happens, turn the conversation back to what you said. Try something like, “We can discuss that if you want, but can we first talk about what I said?” You can’t force them to talk about it, but you can point out they have tried to sidetrack what you said. Stand firm in the understanding that you deserve to have your concern addressed, and fight the temptation to talk about what they throw at you.
Reclaiming your own behaviour also means looking in the mirror. This strategy is far more likely to work if you are good about not sidetracking them when they bring something up. Your spouse has the right to be heard just as you do. Lead by example.
~ This is Paul, and each of you having your say is Doing Marriage Well.
Happy Birthday to the best wife in the world!
Lori is a gift to me every day.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 9, 2026 | Broken Behaviour
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4vHoXmd
This week we’re talking about broken behaviours: ways we tolerate being mistreated by our spouse. Today’s broken behaviour is allowing their unfair tactics to work.
When I was in high school, my girlfriend once tried to manipulate me by hinting she might kill herself if I didn’t do what she wanted. I knew it was a tactic; she had issues, but she was not suicidal. I got very upset, told her to knock it off, and said if she ever tried that again, we were done. Then I left. We never discussed it, and she never tried that tactic again. I wish I’d been as smart or brave about her other tactics, but that’s another story.
The point is I was unwilling to tolerate what she did, and my refusal meant she never did it again. Jumping on it the first time she tried it was the key here. If I had tried the same with something she had done many times, her reaction would not have been the same. Especially if her tactic had worked in the past.
While that happened in a teenage relationship, the exact same dynamics play out in long-term marriages. Allowing a tactic to manipulate you is a broken behaviour. If you have walked in that for a while, your spouse will not make it easy for you to change because they don’t want to lose something that works for them.
A common version of this is anger. You do or suggest doing something they don’t like, and they get angry. Or you say you won’t do what they want, and you get blasted. It might be subtle, or it could be full-on screaming. Or you might get the silent treatment until you comply. If you resist, the anger intensifies.
If your spouse’s anger has ever turned physically abusive, you need to be out of the house. But more often anger is a tactic. The solution here is to walk away. Saying something such as “We can talk when you calm down” is appropriate, but it will probably increase their anger. If they follow you, and continue to attack or yell, walk outside. Or call someone on your phone; odds are they won’t want others to hear them scream at you.
A related tactic is threats. These can range from self-harm to breaking things to telling lies about you or refusing to do things they normally do. Some will threaten divorce, or leaving, or taking the children.
The difficulty here is knowing if the threats are empty. When my girlfriend hinted she’d hurt herself, I was sure she was not suicidal. Had I been unsure, I’d have dealt with it differently; I’d have told her mother and pressed to get her help. That would have been the end of it if it were a tactic or helped her if it were more than that.
If you think your spouse will go through with any serious threat, you need third-party help. Having a recording of them making the threats may be helpful. Do check local laws before you do that. Pulling out your phone and saying “I’m recording this” should cover you, as you have given notice. If being recorded changes them, you know they’re not out of control and are employing a tactic.
Threatening divorce is hurtful and unacceptable. If your spouse does that, it’s your sign to walk away. I’d suggest not returning to the original issue until you get third-party help with the divorce threat issue.
None of this is fun; in fact it can be brutal. But the longer you put up with it, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to deal with it.
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Marriage Well is difficult.
We are getting way too many eggs. So we’re going to freeze-dry some.
First they have to be frozen. Come out like orange pucks!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 8, 2026 | Broken Behaviour
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fPsE4H
I really liked the image I made for last Wednesday’s post. It showed a man walking out of the room because his wife was saying ugly things to or about him.
The man is making a good choice. He is choosing not to subject himself to behaviour that is unloving at best, and possibly abusive. He doesn’t challenge what his wife is doing or start a fight; he just leaves. Doing this regularly would teach his wife that he will not tolerate such behaviour.
I imagine, because of the wife’s reaction by saying “Hey, I’m not done telling you why you’re stupid”, that the man is doing something different than usual. He has typically taken her verbal assault; now he is doing something new. He had a broken behaviour, which he is replacing with a healthier choice.
So this week, let’s talk about broken behaviours and how we stop doing them. A broken behaviour is more than something that doesn’t work; it’s accepting something we should not accept. It’s putting up with something you don’t deserve. It’s allowing your spouse to treat you badly and just taking it.
Some of these broken behaviours are things we learned in childhood. Either we had to accept being treated badly because we had no choice, or we watched one of our parents do it to the other and learned that is how it’s done. Other broken behaviours develop as a marriage progresses. Usually they are minor at first, slowly getting worse and worse.
Please notice I am saying that the “victim” in these circumstances is the one with the broken behaviour. Obviously their spouse is acting badly. But the issue we are examining is their acceptance of that. Allowing wrong treatment without a word is on you. It’s your broken behaviour. And that means you have full power to choose to end it, to stop putting up with what your spouse does. One way to do that, as shown in the image, is to walk away. Decide you will not be treated that way and will leave when it starts.
~ This is Paul, and ignoring bad behaviour is not Doing Marriage Well!
Presents for Lori’s birthday have started to arrive.
You can never have too many flowering plants!
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