by PAUL BYERLY | May 2, 2025 | Busy
There’s too busy for sex, and there’s too busy for good sex.
Aside from the obvious issues, being too busy for good sex is a warning sign. It means you’re way too busy, and your marriage is suffering. Not your sex life, your marriage.
I am focusing on good sex here. You can have bad sex even if one of you would rather not, gets nothing out of it, and just wants to get it over with as fast as possible. Bad sex is bad for your marriage, and should be avoided.
Having time for good sex means more than having enough time for plenty of foreplay followed by whatever you both desire. Having good sex requires an emotional connection. That means you must have time to talk, time to play, time for non-sexual touch, and time to relax together. You can always squeeze in some bad sex, but good sex is time intensive.
I’m not a fan of quickies due to time pressure. It encourages bad habits, establishes bad patterns, and leads to resentment. Most women can’t orgasm from a quickie, even if they start out aroused. And that’s not fair to them.
If a lack of time keeps you from having sex as you would both like it to be, I suggest you come up with a stop-gap solution while you make more time for your marriage. That could be giving each other manual sex, or masturbating together. Quickies just for him may satisfy him enough that he is not motivated to make the changes required to allow the couple to have good sex.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well requires doing marriage well first.
A waterfall we saw on our trip.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 1, 2025 | Busy
Don’t let others make you busy. To exclude busyness from your life requires strength, awareness, and strategy. You have to make plans. If you don’t make plans, other people will make them for you. ~ Dallas Willard
This is huge. And it’s a lesson many of us need to learn for the sake of our health, our sanity, and our marriages.
Benjamin Franklin once said, “If you want something done, ask a busy person.” It’s valid advice because someone who is busy has shown they don’t have reasonable boundaries.
This is very much a boundaries issue. It’s about respecting yourself, your spouse, and your marriage enough to know when to say no. It also means being strong enough to say no and be okay with someone getting upset about it. Saying yes out of fear is a bad place to be.
I suggest you and your spouse practice a bit of accountability here. Regularly ask what is on the other’s plate, and ask if that’s too much. Encourage and help them say no. And please, don’t ever commit them to something on their behalf.
The world will make you busy unless you actively fight it. Make a plan, and stand strong.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well often means doing less.
Not as impressive as the fields we saw a couple of weeks ago, but our tulips are blooming!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 30, 2025 | Busy
We do not rest because our work is done; we rest because God commanded it and created us to have a need for it. ~ Richard A. Swenson, MD, author of Margin
Rest and margin are critical for a good life. And for a good marriage.
Rest is taking it easy physically and mentally. It means relaxing, reading, and playing. Without rest, busyness drags us down, and stress overwhelm us.
In the Big Ten, God told us to rest one day a week. It’s all well and good to say “We’re not under the law”, but if the God who created us thinks we require that, it’s probably a good idea to do it. Over on The Generous Husband, I talked about our multi-year journey from “we should take a Sabbath” to actually doing it. It’s probably the biggest and most difficult change Lori and I have ever made. Our only regret is not doing it much sooner.
Margin is free time, time not committed to anything in particular. Margin means you can do important things that come up unexpectedly. It means you can be there for the folks who count. Or it might allow for an unplanned afternoon of fishing, an evening walk on the beach two hours way, or some afternoon delight!
The saying “Life happens in the margins” is so true. Without margin, you don’t have a life. What’s more, you can’t have a good marriage, be a good parent, or please God without margin.
Swenson’s book, (see below) is in my short list of most life-changing books I’ve ever read. I highly suggest you find time to read or listen to it. It can improve your health, your life, and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well takes time… off!
Great Resource: Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives
Paperback
Kindle
Audio
Widget knows how to play hard. And rest hard.
We should all learn from her example!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 29, 2025 | Busy
If we’re too busy for each other, we’re too busy. ~ Ryan Frederick of Fierce Marriage
And I say “Yes and amen!”
Your relationship with your spouse should be second only to your relationship with God. If you’re too busy to make your marriage good, your priorities are way off.
Sure, there are busy seasons. But if you’re always busy, or busy seasons are common, then you’re too busy. And if your marriage is suffering because of your busyness, that’s an emergency.
The struggle is figuring out what to cut back. Or cut out. And that needs to be something you figure out as a couple.
Decide what is most critical to you.
- As you have to eat, work is in that category. But how much you have to work depends on how you choose to live.
- Family is important, but there are, or should be, limits.
- Friends and recreation of good and necessary to be balanced and healthy. But again, you have choices. If those things take up too much time, or too much money, you need to rethink.
We usually wander into being too busy. Getting out takes effort and intentionality.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that if your marriage is not a priority, it will suffer.
This is Widget with her favourite toy.
Yes, that’s an empty milk bottle. She chases it around, then grabs it and runs around bouncing off of things, including Lori and me!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 28, 2025 | Busy
Beware the barrenness of a busy life. ~ Socrates
If you’ve read much of the blogging Lori or I have done, you know we’re concerned about the way busyness hurts people and marriages. I’ve called it the sin of busyness, and I believe it’s the number one cause of unhappy marriages. It’s also an underlying factor in many divorces.
Our society practically worships busyness. If you’re not doing too much, you will be called lazy. And some well-meaning folks will take biblical passages out of context to justify or even command busyness.
If you want a healthy life, you will have to be countercultural about how busy you are. If you want a good marriage, you will have to be radical about it. And if you want to be obedient to God, you will probably have to do less while also doing more of some things you’re currently too busy to do as much as you should.
Please understand that changing this usually takes a long time. You’ve made commitments. You are halfway through various things. And if your change means a less expensive lifestyle so you can work less, that won’t happen overnight.
Grab your sweetie and have a hard discussion about how busy you both are. Also talk about the things you’re not doing that you know you need to make time for. And be honest, is your marriage on that list?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple
I’ve been busy getting the community garden ready. This picture is after flame weeding.
Lori, our son’s mother-in-law, and I plant and care for this space. Our kids and grandkids share in the results. We will be doing potatoes, corn, onions, carrots, beans to be dried, and sunflowers to feed the chickens.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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